How to debrief?

[Mishy1234]

My DS2 is now 12 weeks and healthy. When he was 10 days old he developed viral meningitis and the whole episode is still dominating my thoughts and I still dream about it.

DS was very unsettled overnight and wasn't bf much (on and off the breast all the time). I won't go into the details now, but there was some indecision (from both myself and DH) about what was wrong and if it was more than just wind. I KNEW something was wrong, but let him lead me and didn't follow my instincts. Eventually I took him to A&E after his temp went up to over 37.5. I feel VERY guilty about that and realise I was extremely lucky the outcome was positive (after a hospital stay) and we actually came home with a baby at all.

I can't seem to move on at all and nobody wants to talk about it. I was at the hospital alone during all the initial tests (lumbar puncture, chest x-ray, blood tests etc) as we have a toddler also who DH was looking after, so he doesn't really know the ins and outs of what went on. I don't think he wants to really know either.

How can I debrief from this experience? I feel a real idiot tbh, as I know a lot of people have gone through much worse and not had a positive outcome. I know I'll never get over the guilt and in a way I don't think I deserve to, but I do want to be able to draw a line underneath it and move on.

Can anyone advise if there's anything I can do? I'm on mat leave so not much spare cash atm for private counselling etc.

You are not an idiot - it sounds very traumatic and I'm sorry you went through this.

Your baby was still very new when it happened and you should not blame yourself for a bit of difficulty in deciding what was what. You followed your instinct - great

I had a baby in NICU/SCBU and you are so vulnerable when something is so wrong with your baby. So start by stopping to say that others have it worse, this is your experience.

It's too early to say whether you need counselling. If you are concerned you can ask your GP to refer you for some NHS counselling and you will get on a waiting list.

What you really need though from the sound of it is just to talk. To your partner, to a friend, on MN, to your health visitor. Give yourself time and realise that going over it again and again is the way you process it and put it to bed. It only becomes a problem if 6 months down the line you are not making any progress and still feel really bad.

Maybe your DH doesn't want to know about everything that went on because of feelings of helplessness, even though he was doing the very important job of looking after your toddler. He may also have feelings of guilt about not recognising your instincts.

However, the first thing to do is for you to find a way of dealing with your own feelings. madmouse's idea of talking to your GP would be a good start, and I'd suggest making an appointment next week. Most GPs will have experience of what parents go through in those circumstances, and should have ideas about what support is available, either now or further on.

Alternatively, you could contact the ward your son was on. They might well have a "debriefing" option, similar to what's offered these days in a lot of maternity units, and may know of local support for parents who have gone through similar situations.

I'd also echo madmouse's comment about not thinking how others have it worse. You went through a frightening and emotionally draining event, and you should allow yourself to focus on your own feelings about that.

The Meningitis Trust have a counselling service

details here

Completely understand your feelings. My little one nearly died when he was 2 and it took me ages to get past it.

You could ask the hospital for a debriefing about what happened. You could probably sit down with a senior nurse and just go over what happened and ask any questions that you haven't had answered yet.
They may also have a councellor who you could talk to.

Thanks so much to everyone for your feedback and suggestions. A lot of good things have been mentioned (didn't even think about the Meningitis Trust, thanks Jaybird).

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Your posts have made a real difference.