Feeling very overwhelmed, starting to slip

[livingthehighlife]

I'd suffered from depression for about 2 years due to being in an unhappy relationship. After leaving my ex and rebuilding my life 8 months ago, i successfully came of Anti-depressants 3 months ago.

I try to have a positive outlook on life. I look after myself as best i can, try to find a balance in my life and ensure i don't slip back down that path again.

Things with my exP can be very difficult. And it erupted big time this weekend when i had to tell him that DS won't be coming to stay overnight with him until a doctor has investigated why he gets loose nappies every time he goes to stay with him. In my opinion its due to the lack of hygiene, poorly stored and cooked food, and the type of food thats being fed to my son. Doc appointment isn't until next monday, however DS has lost weight, is pale and withdrawn, and even his creche have pointed this out as a concern. He was having loose nappies average 5/6 times per week, ONLY after having stayed overnight at ExP's house.

So my ex went through the roof, calling me all sorts. He knows which buttons to push with me and he pushed every single one of them over the weekend. He made me feel like an inadequate mother and has competely broken me. i cannot stop crying. He has a real knack of wearing me down so much that i even start to wonder "is it me?"

To top it off, my mother has moved 125 miles away, my dad suffers from mental health problems and isn't very reliable, my 19 yo brother is about to have a baby and is a drug addict himself, and my sister recently got married and decided not to invite her family to the wedding, yet had the cheek to ask me to mind her daughter overnight. when i said that i could not, i've been branded the worst in the world. Also I was seeing a guy for a bit there and felt like it was going ok but now he's relying on me more as a counsellor and i think i've enough on my plate rather than him draining me as well!

My little boy is the most beautiful little thing, but working full time, running a household and looking after him on my own is going to be very hard. I relied heavily on his dad to take him 3 nights a week. It gave me some time to myself and enabled me to keep on top of things. Now that i'm having to stop overnight access, i feel very under pressure and i'm so worried that i could slip back down that road to depression.

I've felt very low this last few days, like everything is getting on top of me and i'm about to crack. I REALLY REALLY don't want to go to the docs because i know he will suggest Anti-D's again and i don't want to go back there. I've acheived so much this last 8 months and i'm so annoyed that this is getting me down. But i really just want to close the door, pull my duvet over my head and tell the world to sod off :(

I don't think I can be much help but I really feel for you, that is so much stress to deal with. All I would say is that, if it comes to it, don't see going back on ADs as a failure. I've had to take them whilst pregnant and its taken a lot to come to terms with and stop beating myself up for this, but if it gets you through such a difficult time why torture yourself. You wouldn't for taking medication for anything else.

Not saying this is the only solution, but I know how awful depression is so I hope you can get past this. You are doing the right thing for your son anyway, so at least let that thought try and protect you from what your ex says.

Sorry not any more help.

There's a book by Dr. Claire Weeks called 'self help for your nerves' and its brilliant about floating through all this hellish stuff and just not letting it get to you. Sounds like your batteries need charging up, cos everyone else is runnning them down for you, if you let them. Easier said than done, but if you can manage to block it all out of your mind, just take each obstacle as it comes and deal with it in a sort of detached way, you will save your batteries!

Of course you are doing a great job with little DS and if his dad is so unfeeling as to make you miserable like he has, he's not worth even thinking about. You are obviously worn out and exhausted and you need some mental 'me' time. When you go for doc appt next Monday you could maybe explain about the food you feel ex is giving him and suggest the clinic gives you a list of what food they'd like DS to be having ,like as tho it was prepared for both parents to stick to, and ask him if he'll co-operate for DS's sake, and pin it up on the fridge over there. Then it doesn't seem like you are putting any blame on ex for the loose nappies etc.

This is not going to break you. You are doing brilliantly, having got off the ADs etc. Just try and float, don't think too deeply, and think about things you like doing and any treats you can give yourself. You are really important. You matter and things will continue to improve. Just hold on and remember we all have little blips now and again on the road to perfection, and you are just having one now, but it isn't going to last! :)