Struggling mentally/emotionally after traumatic premature birth

[missjulie]

Hi,
I'm 34 & a first time mum.
I gave birth 18 weeks ago to my tiny daughter, who arrived at 32 weeks & 2 days, very unexpectedly.
I experienced a horrific 4 day ordeal before she was finally born,by emergency section and she ended up in S.C.B.U for a month.
The events surrounding the birth and following months have finally caught up with me, and I am now experiencing vivid flashbacks and nightmares about everything.
So very many things happened, so many worrying decisions, everything happened so very quickly. It was, and evidently still is, such a roller-coaster ride. With everything happeneing so quickly at the time, I simply did not have time to 'think' and it now appears as though it has all hit me at once.
I am extremely emotional, and really struggling with this, and wonder if any other mums in the area have experienced anything similar.
So many things happened, that I fear that if I were to type it all, not only would I take up the whole of mumsnet, I feel I would fall apart........

Yes, i am finding the face to face thing hard - although, i think it easier with strangers for some reason - yeah, find me on facebook - Julie Robert - am geared up in paintballing gear - with facemask on in my prof pic!!!!!

I have never had any experience of premature birth but do with PTSD. Although every experience is different, the condition always seems to contain flashbacks etc.

Can I just say, my Mum has just done a course of EMDR: it is very much geared for PTSD: I would really recommend it and it is possible to get referred as is not cheap.

Although my Mum has had an entirely different reason for having this treatment, I can say it has helped her process an awful lot; although she will always struggle, it really has moved her along a bit.

Good luck ladies: you all sound strong, but sending HOOOOGE hugs anyway, cos that's the kind of gal I am!

What is EMDR?

just 'googled' it!
Shall have a good read!

mm- sorry I totally missed your post about the name of DS's condition.
He has Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum and ventriculomegally.

Basically, the Corpus Callosum is the pathway which connects the right and left brain. DS's is completely missing and the space has been filled with fiud. Also, the ventricals in his brain are enlarged, usually they are about 7mm on a baby's scan. 15mm is considered seriously big, and my son's were 32mm, hence why I was told he wasn't expected to survive at birth.
The suture on the front of his skull has fused, so there is a 15% chance it will be putting pressure on the brain, so he will have to have a major op in Oxford in the next few months to remove and reshape his skull.

ACC has such a wide spectrum- some people don't even know they have it, whilst others are severely affected. It's the luck of the draw, I suppose. DS is much better than expected and we are so grateful.

YOu've been trhough such a trauma, and I'm glad you're coming through the other side now.

missjulie- you're definitely not alone. Just keep talking. I was advised to keep a diary, but I have to admit I don't want to open the flood gates!

Yes, sleepysox, a diary tends to do that. Part of me wonders if i really should have kept it since day 1 of events back in April, but maybe that is why i managed to hold it together for so long, who knows.
All that Evie had (brain wise) was a grade 1 haemorrhage, which kept being scanned, and that was scary enough......as she had other concerns.........I really do not know how you cope. I really have no right to complain, when i read other mum's stories & see what a horrendous time they are having.

You do have a right to complain. In fact, you're not complaining, you're just talking about a difficult time you're having- which you must do in order to sort it all out in your mind.

As madmouse said, don't belittle your feelings and minimise what happened- you've been through hell and you need to let it all out.

Thank you!
Yes, i do need to let it all out.............

Oh god.
I am soooo very disappointed.
My health visitor just phoned me to say she received today a letter from the community mental health team. They say they can't help me as it is not mental illness.
I am sooo upset.
I can't believe this.
I have spent every waking minute since last Tuesday clinging onto the hope that an appointment is imminent.................

how can they say it is not mental health when you are having flashbacks and are clearly traumatised?

for you.

You need to go back to your GP and explain how much this is ruining your life. Though I realise your confidence may well have taken a knock WRT asking for help.

So sorry. This should not have happened. You've been so brave to ask for help and you've had it thrown back at you.

FWIW the mental health team do basically have the "medical model" as their approach, ie. "a pill for every ill". Perhaps what they were trying to say is that they can't help you because they don't have a pill to take away all those horrible scary memories.

Is therapy an option? I think talking through everything that happened may be painful in the short term, but a good counsellor could be just what you need to stop this becoming bigger in the longer term.

I am so f***g angry.
I feel sick.
Can't stop crying.
My HV thought that this group would be a consellor, and that i could just talk, talk, talk about my experiences..
I feel i really need to talk to someone who is trained with dealing with traumatic births, prem babies, etc....as i really don't know if just a bog standard counsellor would 'get it' if you know what i mean.....
I have been feeling like this for about 6 -7 weeks, and have finally plucked up the courage to try to sort myself out, it does feel as though i have been beaten down with a big pole...
I have been doing a lot of reading, and it sounds like it is post traumatic stress disorder, and not post natal depression. I feel my doctor is a total waste of space.
WRT & FWIW - what do they mean again???
Yes, it does sound like they just wanna give me a pill, and make it 'better'.........
oh god, what a let down this evening..........

Just found the abbreviations! Totally understand your message now!

sorry about the abbreviations just so used to them now!

No wonder you feel flat, disappointed and angry.

This is a battle for another day. Have a lovely hot bath with candles and a glass of wine.

Then think about what you're going to do in the morning.xx

Can't do any of that!
Don't have a bath, and husband off working off-shore, so can't really drink either, as someone has to look after the baby!!!!!
Thanks for chatting..........xx

well that sucks. No husband, no bath and no wine.

ingredients for a full blown grown up tantrum I think!

Yes, my bottom lip is quivering as i type!

awww, what else could you do that would cheer you up? DVD? take away?

I don't know hun, am so fed up tonight.........
Tis freezing here! Have just put the heating on, got a HOT cup of coffee in my hand, and macaroni cheese in the oven to warm me up!!
Just feel sick, sick, sick.....have been trying so very hard over the last week to help myself, to find help, feel like everyone is letting me down.............i need a support network..........something to catch me..............

Hi Missjulie what an unjustified lack of support. for you.

Flashbacks do often point to PTSD especially if they go on for more than 6 weeks. See if your GP will diagnose you.

I've jsut come back from band practice - will be up for a bit - left you a fb chat thingie

I know! Am so cheesed off!
Ah, ok, shall go to FB!!!
Band practice? What do you play?
Shall make a doc appt though, although i feel she is a total waste of space!

Yes, have been in touch with her today, have to phone her tomorrow!
Thank you.
Have tried Bliss, Hapis, Birth Trauma Association.......so many diferrent places.
Feel like i am banging my head against a brick wall!

Thank you hun
Have you had experiences with them?
Are you 'local'?

4.30am & am wide awake! Went to bed hours ago, Miss Evie appears to be sleeping!!! Couldn't get to sleep for blooming images, flashbacks, ended up crying...........again.....so, got up, had a hot choc...........and here i am! - as usual, nobody to chat to!!!!!