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Mental health

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Original poster

Anxiety re: tantrums

29 replies

Sarahpo · 19/08/2010 21:26

DS is 2 now and i have found being a mum very difficult i love him to bits would die for him BUT sometimes i just want to run and hide away from everything :-(

now that he has hit the terrible two's i am becoming really anxious...i have pretty much stopped going out as his behaviour and tantrums just tire me out. I have had some help from HV re: tantrums but my anxiety is suddenly through the roof. Has anyone ever heard of this before? I no longer meet up with other mums as people comment on his behaviour i feel like i have no friends and its just too taxing to socialise with other people and their toddlers. I have no family around me for support and DH works away.

i have lost my point now.... i have had anxiety in the past should i go to gp and think about taking meds? I am starting to sleep an awful lot now as well.

OP posts:

madmouse · 20/08/2010 07:33

Two year olds you gotta love them (I have one) - exploring, curious, affectionate, clever and

prone to sudden outbursts of complete frustration, anger, unreasonableness and general wobbles.

Do you feel your ds is worse than others and that other people comment a lot? That is quite often actually in your head, other people spend a lot less time looking at you than you think. I can recommend Dr Green's book Toddler Taming, not so much for magic solutions (although he makes a lot of sense) but because he really helps you see what is going on it that busy little brain that causes tantrums and understanding is half the battle.

If you feel very anxious al the time and feel you are not coping maybe a trip to docs is not a bad idea. You say you are sleeping lots - that can be a sign of depression. Do you feel low, eat too much/little etc?

sailorsgal · 20/08/2010 11:16

I was like this last year as my ds was the same. He is now 4 and is a different child. Speak to your HV and see if you can do a parenting class, it may help show you some strategies to cope with the tantrums.

I kept a food diary as my son was a dreadful eater and this did seem to affect his behaviour.

I thought it was only my ds that was like this but I notice other kids now so its not only yours.

For yourself, yes speak to your GP maybe he could give you propanolol for the anxiety. You just take it if you need it. A course of CBT may also be helpful. Regarding the sleeping a lot, I was like this too and was diagnosed with Chronic fatigue which I put down to the stress. Look after yourself.

Which area roughly are you in?

sailorsgal · 20/08/2010 11:18

Just to add is to breathe in for 4 counts and breathe out for 6. Bye lengthening your exhalation will help you relax.

Original poster

Sarahpo · 20/08/2010 15:13

Thank you for messages very helpful. DS is a terrible eater he seems to survive on just raisins! I laugh but i have been stressed out about it at times. I got really upset with him today as he bit my stomach hard and i am ashamed to admit it but i smacked him (not hard) but just enough...:-( i do not want to smack my DS i really don't.

I think i am a very self conscious person anyway and that is why i feel that everyone is watching me and how i respond to his tantrums and its that 'tut tutting' you can imagine and people shaking their head but yes that might actually be all in my head. I find it all a bit tiresome to be honest with you BUT went to a toddler group today and he was as good as gold :-)

Have bought some St John's Wort and might give that a go because at times i am bored/anxious/tired/unmotivated all the usual and i have really retreated socially the past six months i am going to try to get out more i am in hertfordshire :-)

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sailorsgal · 20/08/2010 16:24

I took SJW but didn't feel it helped but you must take it regularly. Your symptoms sound like depression but you should go to see your GP. The longer you leave it the longer it will take to get better.

Do you get any time to yourself? Does your son go to nursery? My ds went to nursery one day a week so I had a bit of a break. My dh is also away so I know how hard it can be.

Original poster

Sarahpo · 21/08/2010 15:01

Madmouse thanks for recommendation re: book my friend loaned me a copy and i dip in and out of it when i can.

gawd today is another day and i am bored out of my fricken mind have resorted to Cbeebies

i really struggle to entertain DS i just cannot be bothered today and husband has gone out is that selfish of me? i can't stomach another boring trip to the park on my own with DS2 :-(

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sailorsgal · 21/08/2010 16:59

My ds has watched quite a bit of tv today. The weather is awful but we have been to the park.

Original poster

Sarahpo · 21/08/2010 17:05

I am reeeeaaaaaalllly lethargic today i think if i can't kick this i might have to go to doc's i seem to have lost all motivation to do anything :-(

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sailorsgal · 21/08/2010 17:12

Yes go to the doctor even if you don't want to take medication. See how long the wait is for CBT. It will really help.

Do you do any exercise? Find out if there is a buggy fit class in your area. It definitely lifts the mood!

Original poster

Sarahpo · 21/08/2010 18:39

hi sailorsgal sorry my comment about the park sounded really snotty there is nothing wrong with the park i think its the SJW making me feel even more lethargic urgh!!!!!!

next week is another week i have some visitors coming so that will liven things up

i have seen those buggy fit peeps actually
i am trying to go out to places further afield exercise does help you are right!

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GetDownYouWillFall · 21/08/2010 18:54

Hi sarah I am quite self-conscious too and dread being out in public if DD kicks off. I can feel myself going red in the face from the embarrassment, sometimes I feel panicky and I just have to escape! Supermarkets seem to be the worst place.

I wonder whereabouts you are, I am in Herts too. We may have passed each other (and our tantruming kids)!!!

sailorsgal · 21/08/2010 18:59

Sarahpo, I didn't think you were been snotty about the park

We only went out as there was music in the park and dh suggested it or I probably would have stayed in all day.

Just take small steps, day by day. Plan something nice for yourself if you can.

loretasim · 23/08/2010 14:10

I am an Integrative Counsellor, anyone in need can contact me directly.
However, I am a parent (3kids) and foster parent too.
People comment on your Childs behaviour because they had an easy child and they are not aware of the Childs development. Statistics show that anxious children got anxious parent. And so on... The circle will go on and on and on...
I am children counsellor (school), and mums you would be surprised how much your tot will change by doing simple art and craft, story telling with puppets or sand tray play. A little guidance and patience and your child will grow out of the "bad behaviour" :)

sailorsgal · 23/08/2010 19:59

My son only grew out of it when he turned 3 and started preschool. We did every activity under the sun before that and he still kicked off.

Original poster

Sarahpo · 23/08/2010 22:16

Hi thanks all we went out today and no problems at all i think if i am tired i feel it more. I don't have the energy to battle with him and he is very strong and wilfull!!

GetDownYouWillFall where are you? I am in Hitchin my profile is wrong actually but i can't work out how to change it.

I have a much bigger gripe tonight re: DH and his expectations of me but i am not sure where to post :o his family are coming up to see me tomorrow so i have to be supernice :o

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Just13moreyearstogo · 23/08/2010 22:24

Sarahpo: the trouble with not going out because you're worried about his behaviour is that he doesn't have the chance to run off all that energy and you don't get any fresh air or anyone to talk to. A tantrum is much better out in a field or a large park than in the house, in my experience. You can also distract them more easily, which is what they need at this age. Nice to hear you had a good day today.

Why do you have to be supernice because his family are visiting? If you're having a tough time you're having a tough time and if these are the grandparents they can blooming well help you out and take your DS out for an hour so you can have a nap!!

Original poster

Sarahpo · 23/08/2010 22:31

thanks just13moreyearstogo that is exactly what has been happening i have totally retreated (although i do have one or two friends who are a bit of a drain anyway)

that would be lovely re: DH family but that doesn't happen i am afraid and part of my gripe is that i am expected to look after DS for six days next week and six days the week after that as DH has work/family commitments etc and i just feel like i am going to slide into a big pit i get soooo bored ...ARG!!! i don't think i can do it actually i am going to go off my trolley

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Just13moreyearstogo · 23/08/2010 22:52

I think you're being far too nice about this and that you need to ask for help and support from your DH and his family. Your son is at a very tricky age and it is exhausting to have almost sole responsibility for a boy of this age (I have two sons so I know how hard it can get). This is not your sole responsibility. If your DHs family members are visiting they should NOT be going out and having a nice time with your DH and leaving you to cope with DS. That is just not fair - you need to express your needs more clearly or you will be walked over.

Original poster

Sarahpo · 23/08/2010 23:11

this has been an issue since DS was born i have always felt like he was MY baby DH works away at the moment (we have a very complicated set-up) but this means i have no me time never have

DH and i have never had a night out in over 2 years and well i guess the floodgates have opened here in MN eh? i haven't spoken to anyone about this ever! so thanks for listening

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WowOoo · 23/08/2010 23:22

Sarahpo, I know what it's like not to have me time and it's crap!

Also, you have to try to get out if you can.Fresh air/change of scenery does you both good. Let off some steam in open spaces instead of between four walls!

I often think people are staring at my sometimes terribly behaved son (they actually DO stare as I let him have a tantrum and don't give in to what toy or whatever he wants, he's 4) But, so what?! I'm doing my best and by the sounds of it so are you. It's bloody tough.

You need to demand a night/weekend/whole day off. Also, some time as a couple.

Original poster

Sarahpo · 23/08/2010 23:30

Thanks WowOoo i have put some things in the diary this week for me and DS to do but i don't think i can face childcare 12 days out of 14 full time i told DH that i am not a machine!!

Thinking about things i think i have made a rod for my own back here because of self esteem issues i think i have just taken care of DS all the freaking time with no notice of my needs and wants and i want my life back or at least some of it.

Am going to have a think about things tonight and have further discussions with DH as just13yearstogo said DS is not my sole responsibility it took two to create him so why am i constantly left holding him?

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Just13moreyearstogo · 24/08/2010 08:48

I'm glad you're starting to see that you have options. It's very easy to get into a pattern that's bad for you personally simply because you've been trying to do the best for your child. But an exhausted, resentful mother who has no time to herself is not in the best position to handle the challenging behaviour toddlers are so good at. Perhaps your DH assumes you like doing all the childcare, perhaps because you've always done it he has no confidence to do any himself and that can't be good for any of you. He needs to build up his own relationship with his son whenever he's at home. When your boy gets older he'll be looking for a strong male on which to model himself so it's really time for them to start building that relationship up now. It can only be good for you and your relationship with your son and your DH. It is perfectly possible to change your ways of organising your home life if they're really not working for you - but your DH needs to really understand how you're feeling.

GetDownYouWillFall · 24/08/2010 11:18

sarah I'm in Hertford!

Original poster

Sarahpo · 26/08/2010 20:50

Hiya just13yearstogo and GetDownYouWillFall ahhh Hertford is lovely i used to work at County Hall...have you been up to Hitchin? nice town.

Had a good chat with DH with lots of tears (unsurprisingly) with the result that i am going to go to inlaws for a long week-end but hopefully he will be around for some of that time i cannot and will not be stuck inside four walls with a toddler. We are all going on holiday soon so there should be opportunity for us to go out (me and DH) i think its high time we had some adult fun!!!!! oh and one thing that DH does that is really good is he goes to the Dad's groups at the Children's centres they are excellent for that father-son relationship building :-)

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Original poster

Sarahpo · 28/08/2010 15:56

does anyone have any anxiety about going abroad with their little ones? just wondering as we are going to France and i have fears about DS being kidnapped....

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