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Mental health

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Original poster

what do you do when life is such a mess???

18 replies

trying4bump · 28/08/2005 12:06

this story is s bit long winded but i need to talk to someone about it.

i was with my ex dp for 3 years and i love him so much but a couple of months ago we split up. I went out with a bloke from work who i've known for years and we decided to give things ago and he wanted to try for a baby and now im pregnant to him.

At first i thought everything would be ok and that it was what i wanted but now as time's gone on i've realised that i dont want any of it and i want my ex dp back.

I have moved back into my flat with ex dp as we are still friends and asked him if we can sort things out but he has said that at least for now he cant see that happening but i really want us to sort things out.

I dont want to make a go of things with a man that i dont love or bring up a baby on my own and am considering a termination.

Has anyone been in a simalar situation or got any advice??

OP posts:

littleA · 30/08/2005 02:34

Hi T4B,

I just wanted to say i'm really sorry and i do feel for you...I've never been through something like that,but my own life is a bit(a lot!) of a mess as well...so do symphathise

The only thing I could recommend is give your ex dp some time to think about it and get it all in,it must be hard for him as well,after all, you were together for a long time.
Hope you manage to sit down and have a good chat about it,and whatever the outcome,i wish you all the best...

Take care ((((((((hugs))))))))

crystaltips · 30/08/2005 07:52

DOn't want to got into too much detail ... but I soooo know how you feel ....
Termination is a horrid process - but remember that it's your choice and sometimes it's the "correct" option.

Search your soul and thinking of you {{{{HUGS}}}}

Original poster

trying4bump · 30/08/2005 16:25

thanks for your replies, its nice to know that there are people on here who you can share these kind of things with.

OP posts:

Toothache · 30/08/2005 16:31

I must say I'm a bit surprised that your posting name is "Trying4bump" when you are pregnant with a child you are considering terminating!!!

You tried for this baby.... sorry this isn't the popular view and I'll be slated for saying this..... but I probably speak for a lot of MN'ers when I say that this is very selfish of you.

Sorry... I can't even put into words what I'm thinking at the moment. I'm going to think carefully and post back later when I can be more helpful.

Toothache · 30/08/2005 16:37

And this has all happened in the space of 2 months???

Sorry, but I know that its the womans choice and all that..... but is it always a situation that we should all be supportive of???

This is my take on this situation:

You had a bad time with your DP.... left him and tried for a baby immediately with another man. Got pregnant. How long after finding out you were pregnant did you decide you didn't like this other man? Now your DP doesn't want you back because you are pregnant with another mans child 2 mths after breaking up with him (!!!!)... understandably.... so now you want a termination to try to get back with your DP?

What if he still doesn't want you back?

Original poster

trying4bump · 30/08/2005 16:43

tbh i didnt even think to change my name on here.
Its not jsut the fact that im pg that my ex dp doesnt want me back i think its just everything thats happened between us and he's realised it wont work.
Im not considering a termination just incase ex dp decides to give it another go but is it right to bring up a baby when things are so unstable. I admit that i messed up big time with this one and am now living with the consequences.

OP posts:

stitch · 30/08/2005 16:47

termination is a bad thing, yes, but if you are going to do it, then just do it, and stop agonising over it.
sometimes we all do bad things. and we know they are bad, we have to accept the consequences. agonising over something like this is just giong to keep you miserable.
i know im not much help im afraid. but good luck with whatever you decide.

Toothache · 30/08/2005 16:48

It's entirely up to you whether you can go through with a termination for those reasons, and live with your decision. Personally I wouldn't/couldn't.... but it is a very VERY personal thing and for some they see it as the best and only solution. When you joined MN you were trying for a baby with DP..... is that right?? So you really wanted a baby?

So this isn't your DP's baby.... but it is your baby (foetus/ball of cells). Plenty of women manage it alone, and you won't even necessarily be on your own. This other guy would have to stump up financially, and you might get back with your DP..... that still seems to be an option.

It seems harsh to do all this.... actually try for a baby, then just change your mind and terminate. Maybe it's just me, but it all seems a bit quick and hasty for such a momentus decision.

I hope you make the right one for you.

Original poster

trying4bump · 30/08/2005 16:56

i know it seems selfish, ive been thinking today that maybe i can have the baby and get through this on my own.
Whatever happens i'll have to live with guilt if i do terminate or struggle through on my own if i do have it.

OP posts:

nightowl · 30/08/2005 17:50

i suppose we could say lots of things. why did you try for a baby so soon? etc etc. personally i dont think you should have tried for one if you werent so sure about it that you are now changing your mind...but... having said that.

it is ultimately your choice and your body and no-one can tell you what you should or shouldnt do. i think what you need to really ask yourself is this...putting everything else aside, possible outcomes and consequences..

DO you WANT this baby?

because, if deep down you do..then if you terminate you could regret it for the rest of your life. i nearly terminated my baby because her father had left me, she was an accidental pregnancy and i was so scared of bringing her up on my own. but i already loved her and so i cancelled the appointment. its been hard, but i am so glad i had her and wouldnt change a thing.

Original poster

trying4bump · 30/08/2005 18:08

thanks for that nightowl.

I think at the time i wasnt really thinking about what i wanted and now i have to live with that.

I think that deep down i do want to have this baby but like you said im scared of being alone.

I think i also need to get my head around the fact that me and my ex dp are over and i know he wouldnt take on someone else's baby. Thats another thing thats hurting me now but is suppose i've made my mistakes and ive got to get on with it.

OP posts:

PeachyClair · 30/08/2005 18:33

Sort of. I got PG to Dh after a few months together (we ere engaed and living to gether tho). I had a nightmare early PG, and I think I panicked and setriously considered leaving fiance and having a termination (which I could have got on medical grounds as I was so ill). I couldn't face a termination though, just not for me, and after a few months the panic wore off and we now have three kids and have been married six (often hard) years.

Are you sure you're not panicking?

Original poster

trying4bump · 30/08/2005 18:43

hi peachyclair

I think the fact that everything has changed so quickly might have something to do with it as well. i think in a way im just scared and my hormornes are all over at the min, i cant seem to stop crying. I need to just clear my head and decide whats best over the next couple of days.

OP posts:

PeachyClair · 30/08/2005 18:49

Have you thought about calling the Samaritans? They'll help you to talk things through, and your dr could refer you for appropriate counselling.

It must be very scary for you, but I can't help wondering if your 'need' for ex-dp is a need for thesecurity and safety you feel you have lost?

Original poster

trying4bump · 30/08/2005 18:52

i think thats exactly what it is. I still love my ex dp so much and i dont know if thats making me think differently about things. I do want the security that i had with him and although im staying back with him at the min its just until i can sort things out.

OP posts:

sunchowder · 30/08/2005 19:03

I think if you are not stable and sure of the pregnancy you have to move forward with a termination as soon as possible and not be indecisive about it. It this was a mistake, you must put it behind you and move forward, and not bring a new life into the world if you are not capable and/or have the strength to give your little one a stable home. You know if you can manage this in your own heartthere is no one that can tell you to terminate or notand it is a decision you will never forget, and one that you will grieve over, but you certainly will be able to recover from this in the future. Whether or not I could terminate my own pregnancy will not help you with your decision.

I believe you need some time on your own without a man in your life to be able to have some perspective on how you want your new relationships to look and what you are willing to accept in a partner. It would appear the new relationship was very much on the rebound and you won't want to make this mistake again with another partner. If your old DP is not willing to give it a go, you must be brave enough to move on and end it before you even lose his friendship. Easy for others to look in and say this, and difficult for you to act on I am sure.

Give yourself permission to have the start that you need in life to be successful emotionally, spiritually and financiallymaybe it is selfishbut you will be able to provide a different environment (not saying better, by hopefully better) for your children. All the best in whatever you decide to do.

RachD · 30/08/2005 19:15

You are in a right pickel, aren't you ?

Your feelings for your ex are very strong, aren't they ?

I could be wrong, but I suspect that if you sort that part out first, everyhting else will fall into place.

Have I understood you right ?
Does that help ?

Original poster

trying4bump · 30/08/2005 19:27

yeah rachd my feelings for my ex are still really strong, i think they always will be as this was my first 'proper' relationship, we lived together and were engaged.

i think i need to move forward with my life, my ex had said that things might change in the future but he cant see that happening yet so i cant really base my decisions on the 'what if's'.

Thanks for all of your advice it really does help to have someone to talk to

OP posts:

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