I've changed my name as there are some people on here who know me in RL but I don't know them that well and I'd rather they didn't know how I'm feeling......
I have an 18 month dd. She wasn't planned and it took me a very long time to bond with her. I feel very guilty and sad about that and am worried she may have suffered emotionally, although I did all I could to care for her well in they physical sense (feeding, bathing, keeping her warm, cuddles if she seemed to want). I had no-one I felt I could confide in about how I was feeling and felt like a rubbish mother.
She is a very lively little girl who is into everything and loves to chatter and toddle around the house. She is quite strong willed I think and is going through a very independent stage at the moment and has very definite ideas about what she wants to do and doesn't want to do. I realise this is all standard toddler behaviour but I sometimes find it very challenging.
The other day she refused to eat her lunch and I snapped at her which made her cry. I could feel anger rising inside me because she wouldn't do what I wanted so I then walked away for a moment to calm down - turned out she wanted to feed herself rather than let me do it and smiled at me very proudly when I came back to find her with spoon in mouth. I feel like a rubbish mother for feeling angry with her for not doing what I wanted, and feel terrible for snapping at her and making her cry when all she wanted to do was do something herself.
I was brought up to do as I was told and in general did just that when I was a child. My father in particular was very authoritarian. I don't want to parent my daughter in that way but I can see some horrible throwback to it in my reaction to her - admittedly normal-toddler behaviour.
I just worry all the time that I'm not a good enough mum to her, that she is bored at home, that I'm not setting a good example, not making her happy. I want her to feel safe and happy and loved and wanted but I don't know if I'm achieving that, I want her to have a happy childhood and don't want her to be damaged by my inability to cope or respond appropriately to the more challenging bits of motherhood. I ultimately want her to have the happy childhood which I didn't. I feel I am failing.
I have very bad issues around rejection - she sometimes now ignores me when I collect her from nursery or clings on to the staff and cries when they hand her over to me. This is kicking right into my rejection issues and makes me very upset and like a poor mother and like she prefers being at nursery to being with me (although on the good side I can see it is great that she is so happy there). I get a far warmer welcome from the other little ones in her group, when I arrive to pick her up. I feel like she doesn't want me, which I often felt when she was tiny and I thought all she wanted was someone to feed her and anyone would have done, it wasn't me that she wanted.
The rejection issues stem from bullying at school for almost 10 years and my father having to go and work overseas when I was 7 (couldn't find job in the UK in recession in late '70s) and then finally having an affair and leaving my mother when I was 21 and not wanting contact with me subsequently. I have not seen him now for nearly 17 years and do not have any contact details for him.
I have very few friends and feel very lonely. I find it hard to believe that I mean anything much to anyone and feel like if I died tomorrow it wouldn't really matter to anyone much except DP, DD and my mum. I have had friends at various times and lost touch with them, if I had kept up with them all I would probably have many more friends now. I am crap at returning calls and texts as I can't really believe people want to hear from me. I have one good girlfriend but that is about it, a few chums from my NCT group but I wouldn't call them close. I do have another friend but she lives miles away and has just had her first baby so I don't want to disturb her. I am crap at the telephone but much better at writing so can do emails happily.
My relationship with DP is OK but not brilliant, if I didn't have DD I'm not sure if I would be with him. He is self employed and his business has been badly hit by the recession so I am the earner and pay most of the bills like mortgage and childcare. I am successful in my chosen career and (apparently) respected by my colleagues. He is not the world's greatest businessman by his own admission but is very good at his chosen trade. He isn't particuarly demonstrative and is what you would call a man of few words. He has some problems of his own but is fundamentally a decent guy and loves DD to pieces. He find it hard to share his feelings or talk about stuff, a trait he seems to get from his father. We get out very rarely as money is tight and we can't afford babysitters. There aren't any friends nearby we could ask to sit for a couple of hours for free.
Sorry this is a ramble really, I just feel sad about being a rubbish mother, sad that I'm lonely and have so few friends, sad that my relationship with DP isn't more communicative and demonstrative.
I have tried counselling in the past and it didn't change anything really for me. I still feel like I don't mean much to anyone and can't believe anyone wants to be my friend.
I just don't know how to move forward or make things better but I know something has to change as there are only going to be more things to deal with especially with DD - if I cant cope now how will I cope when she is a teenager?
Any help much appreciated