Where do you go to MEET other women who are depressed?!

[Meercat]

Where do you go to MEET other women who are depressed?! Depression is supposed to be an epidemic, but I can't find groups through the obvious places like MIND, Depression Alliance, etc that operate near to me. Groups are thin on the ground and it depends where you live. Most help is thru 1-1 therapies which I've tried. I live in Hornsey, London. I'd love to go on a mumsnet meet one day, but I'm a bit low and nervous atm. If I'm having a bad day and facing people is really hard, I need a few kindred spirits to say "I know how you feel" (rather than being asked the usual question by a therapist "How did that make you feel!"). I'm not all doom and gloom, I'm just exhausted, having been through a lot for a long time and beginning to move on. I don't have a lot to show of my life in recent years because I've been affected by D.Violence and this can make your personality close down considerably until things improve, which is happily the case. I am feeling better and I want to engage in life and happy things again. I tried Women's Aid a while back but got into the 1-1 trap again. Does anyone have any ideas about groups/support? Thanks. xx

I don't know but I hate people saying "how did that make you feel?" and I'm not depressed. It makes me want to scream at them to shut up! Grrr!!

So yes, I do know how you feel about that. But have no idea how you would meet others in a similar situation.

Oh yes, but do go along to a mumsnet meet!!

Have you considered meeting people/groups that aren't necessarily meeting because they're depressed? IME, a depressed person would be rubbish at supporting another depressed person.

In any group of people there's bound to be others who've been through really sh*t times and would understand where you're at at the moment. If they've pulled through and found some peace, then maybe they'd be better at being able to support you. My advise would be to go to regular groups, take it easy and let friendships evolve naturally. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to meet those that you feel comfortable with - kindred spirits.

Having depression in common doesn't mean you'll have anything else in common.

I love meercats btw x

chareypops, i agree, when i had pnd my HV suggested that i get together with another mum who had pnd.

she came to my house and it it turned into a competition about who was the most depressed.

"you're only on 30mg?, well i'm on 60 AND I have a CPN"

my advse would be to surround yourself with fiends and family and sit it out

actually, just read the entire thread, sorry meercat, wished i lived a bit nearer as it would be nice to get together

I agree and think that meeting someone who understands what it's like to be depressed but isn't necessarily depressed themselves any more would be a better idea. Some of the loveliest friends I have/have had over the years have experienced depression. So the usual, NCT, toddler groups, smaller mumsnet meets if larger ones make you nervous. Or ask your hv about local groups or there's netmums, which has local websites/meets or MAMA (Meet a Mum Association). All of these are about mothers supporting other mothers, depressed or not. Good luck.

beehive, sorry, but that does sound funny! (can appreciate that it wasn't at the time though!)

i still see this lady around now and do you know what it reminds me of?

you know that advert for Always Ultra Sanitary towels with those two ladies scrabbling to get the most in their trolley?

well thats us quite funny

not sure if that makes sense now, reading it back, i meant the competative element!

Thanks all of you - for the advice. I know what you mean when you say to look at other groups and orgs too. I need both kinds of help - specific help and straightforward organisations. My ds is 7 btw so he might be old for some of the orgs suggested?

I understand that depression groups might be hit and miss, but I'd include them as one of my starting points before I expand my comfort zone. I'm quite vulnerable atm. I can't just get out there, the world is a scary place for me right now and I need to take small steps and do things at a steady pace.

To explain my hesitancy, maybe I need to say more about the DV. I don't want to go on about it too much, but it has affected my life, my decisions, and it shaped me into someone I no longer want to be. I feel I'm walking away from smoking ruins. I don't generally like facing any questions about my life because just about everything is touched in some way by the violence and suppression I've lived through - my life seems quite stagnated - I'm not proud of it. I fear joining ordinary groups and being rejected because I feel so dulled down - obviously you can see what it has done to my self esteem. I lost friends and family when I really needed them the most - this was actually before violence took hold - so when it did I was more devastated to find myself alone with no one close to turn to. Im scared to reach out to people. I tried to get closer to some mums I'm friends with at school recently, but they became suddenly very distant when I told them I was seeing a psychotherapist (I didn't disclose why). I don't know how discreet they are, but I hope they kept this info private. This seemed to prove to me that people want friends who are light - not weighed down with problems. Maybe you can understand why regular groups seem scary atm - I want to be in a safe atmosphere where I can disclose things turning painful. As soon as people want to get personal I want to run.

I'm no longer in the relationship, but when I tried to engage with life again I found I was a shadow of my former self. If you are criticised and ridiculed regularly you can argue back defiantly, but your subconscious mind absorbs all the negative statements and once you have no self esteem you can literally be brainwashed to believe that you are hopeless, stupid, worthless, and you will never hold down another job or succeed in anything. It may sound bizarre, but imagining leaving was more terrifying than staying because of repercussions from his family and fear of starting out alone/unstable with a dependent child. I think the mental effects are worse than the physical - low mental health can stop you working and you can then be taunted for being a liabilty and then controlled financially.

Thanks again for all your support. Anyway tell me what you think - I appreciate all your comments.

Meercat xx

meercat, i will be back tonight, can we chat a bit more then, will try and get online if dh ls me

take care honey

meercat, I suffer from depression and I too have endured a bullying and abusive relationship so I really do understand how you feel. I feel very bad that the mums at school reacted as they did. If they are that shallow, why bother. When you meet someone with a bit more depth they will respect you for doing all you can to recover your real self out of these 'smoking ruins'. If I met you at the school gate and you confided in me I would feel privileged that you felt you could and would want to help you with your rebuilding.

The problem with depressed people mixing together is that they do bring each other down, so to my mind it's not really a helpful scenario. Most depressed people need great tact and support around them and another depressed person cannot normally provide that.

I feel that what you need is friends who are not depressed, but possibly have experienced depression in the past.

Keep going to your therapist, that is the way to healing your wounds and finding your authentic self again. Try to remember what your ambitions and dreams were long ago before the attempted destruction of your character. Revive what you can of them and sooner or later you will find the joy in life will creep back in.

It is hard to walk this road with minimal support, people do gravitate towards happy, seemingly 'together' people. But you are heading towards being just that. In the meantime, if you can connect with just one person who has enough depth of character to recognise the journey you are in the process of making it will lift you and help your steps feel that little bit lighter.

You are taking the tough path that leads to a new life. That is so much harder than the alternative and there are some of us out here that would respect you for it.

beehive, Yes, yes yes! Surround yourself with fiends sounds fab advice! Seriously, though, I need some happy people around me when I'm feeling low.

Such lovely messages. I think my timing to post was good, as it's nearly September and courses are starting up. When I get some quiet time in the next few days, I'm going to look for courses/classes that might be good for me, possibly therapeutic or something that can move me on mentally or socially. I'm working 2 days a week for an org that deals with women's issues and the ladies there are lovely and know my previous circumstances and I feel supported. They are going to put me on some courses in the future about management and new directions. My company director is an amazing women who is easy to talk to, so I'm not afraid to ask her for advice in the future - she's the kind of person who wants women to get 500% out of life, she's great, I know I'll keep in touch with her when I leave. I've also thought about renewing links with people that I haven't contacted in a while who were the right kind of people, proactive and lively/positive. I had a small network of friends that I met on a life coaching course but I had some breakdowns in the last year and I stopped joining in, again because I felt I'd failed the objective of the course, i.e. I was still stuck in a rut. The school term is starting soon so I will have more time to make plans.

Anorak - your advice so wise and sensitive - your words have hit all the right notes i.e. about my authentic self - you know exactly how it is trying to reconnect - thanks so much. Steffee - I will go to a meet! - erm, not right away, but as soon as I can. Charleypops/Beehive/WWW/Carla - thanks and I think the classes/courses will help me to meet regular people. Charleypops I had a friend like that too - but it wasn't competitive - it was just her talking and me listening and she would not have had the wisdom to hear or understand my stuff. Everyone is different though.

Some of your posts have made me think a lot and I feel really encouraged. The last few days were teary and sluggish but I'm feeling happer and hopeful. xx

meercat, come back to us whenever you feel like it, we will always be here.

take care

I'm thinking too much. I haven't had much "Me time" lately. Generally wake up feeling down and I gradually brighten up slowly - but that's depression for you. In the mornings, I often draw back the curtains, see a beautiful clear blue sky and feel this incredible nostalgia for the good bits in my life and the life I want to have in the future. Then I start comparing with others and think I have such a long way to go. I think half my depression is because I still live in the house where all the bad things took place and I badly want to move but for practical reasons I need to wait a bit longer. The neighbours/people in my road must have heard all the incidents/shouting/things breaking/me screaming and running out of my house from before. Most of the stuff that happened was always at top volume from xh and I am an extremely private person so this broke me into pieces and took my dignity. The first thing I think whenever I go out of my door when I see neighbours about is: everyone thinks I'm a dysfunctional person who makes them feel uneasy: I must come across as such a failure, etc. "Failure" was the word that was shouted a lot by xh. All these labels have given me a negative image about myself. I hope to put the house up for sale within next 3 months and make a fresh start where people haven't heard ugly things. I'm going to be out all day and ds's friend is coming to play in the evening, so I will check back later. I'd appreciate some more words of support. Thanks for listening. xx

meercat, did you know that paranoia is one of the symptoms of depression? I remember that feeling of everyone looking at me, everyone having a go. But in all probability they are thinking the opposite. 'oh, there's that poor woman who was given such a bad time by her ex. Thank goodness she managed to get rid of him. I do hope things get better for her in the future'.

What would you be thinking if you saw you? That's more likely to be an accurate representation of what others see.

Anorak, yes that is true. I'm letting my thoughts influence my behaviour and feelings. I know that in CBT works on these 3 things and the way they feed/influence eachother. I'm on a waiting list for CBT. The therapy is over now btw. I don't mean to sound self pitying, but because I'm quite isolated I need superstrength to keep myself buoyant and push out negative thoughts because there is no one else around me to talk me round. In the past when times were hard I had friends to unload to and turn my mood over and I know how important that is. I don't have those close friendships now and I've become frozen and unable to reach out to new people in the real world because I'm afraid of being hurt. I know I have to work hard to reverse this thought process and start trusting people, otherwise I won't improve. I feel like 2 halves of me are always battling it out, positive vs negative, so my moods go up and down. Inside I know I'm a fighter and I still have my spirit in me. I don't hate myself - there is still self love there - I give myself credit because I'm still standing even if the ruins are smoking! xx

What area do you live in meercat?

anorak, she says in her original post that she is in Hornsey, London

meercat, we meet up in the city quite regularly. Everyone is very friendly and you would be welcomed with open arms. I have suffered from depression too (am still taking the tablets) so I know a little of how you feel.

meercat, you just prompted me to arrange a meet-up for a city lunch . Would be great if you could make it

If you are worried about walking in on your own CAT me and I can meet you beforehand.

I've had a busy few days and couldn't post.

Kayleigh - I'd love to come to one of your city meets - it sounds lovely but it's doubtful if I could make it that one though, that's a busy week for me. How regularly do you all meet up - is it monthly? - if it is, the next one would be better for me. xx