Life after clinical depression.

[KEAWYED]

I have been diagnosed with severe clinical depression after quite possibly the worst 2 years of my life.
I have started councelling and on Citalopram.

I always wanted 4 children ( I have 3 beautiful DS) and have made the decision to stop at 3.

I'm petrified of the depression coming back if I had anymore and felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders when I said no more.

I now need to get my head round looking to the future as I have been cocooned in baby world for 7 years, my youngest is 15 months.

Now I feel like I'm feeling more positive I think I should enjoy the family I;m blessed with.

I know its not a question, just needed to write it down.

I have just been told that I am suffering from depression and anxiety and am on a waiting list for therapy. I have been struggling with how I am feeling for a long time and so am glad that it has been recognised and that I can start getting help for it.

I still try and be the best Mum I can for my little girl tho it affects my mothering in ways like I get upset easy or just sometimes lack motivation to do things with her, I also suffer from OCD which I am hoping the therapy will help.

I dont want to be judged because I hae depression my daughter still has a good home life and a mummy that loves her loads and would do anything for her.

xxxxx

When I was at my worst I did what I had to do for my children but it was hard.
I just wanted to be myself and the tiniest thing really wound me up.
I remember one time my eldest loves squirt squirt cream so I got us some and he pressed the top funny and broke it. I was fuming thought hed ruined everything and how I try and be nice and they just don't care. Now I try and let things go, it was a struggle at first but my anger is lessening.
Yesterday I had a bad start to the day, didnt want to get out of bed so I forced myself to the park with the boys and actually enjoyed myself.
I have been on Citalopram for 9 weeks and I started seeing the benefits after 6-7 weeks. Now I feel like I'm coming out the otherside after hitting rock bottom.
I told my DH last week what the therapist asked about why I didnt kill myself (lack of motivation and the children) and how I would do it (hanging, didnt plan it, just had mental images in my head everyday of me doing it). That seemed to hit me just how bad I was, I'm glad I'm getting help and think the depression has been there for a good couple of years, I've always just 'soldiered' on and tried to forget the horrible thoughts but now I'm glad I faced it head on.

I actually laughed genuinely for the first the other day in ages and I had forgotten what that feeling was like.

I'm sure you are being the best mummy to your daughter and she loves you. Keep doing the best you can for her, I know its hard.

It's been the worst couple of years of my life and the past few months have been terrible beyond belief but I can now see a better future. It takes time but you will get there.

Take care

xxx

Your post has really struck a chord with me. I had undiagnosed PND after DD1, which stuck around for a good 18 months. It came back with a vengeance after DD2, who is now 29 weeks. I was admitted to a mother and baby unit when she was 2 months, and spent 6 weeks there. I've been on my 2nd type of AD for 4 weeks now, and the suicidal thoughts are only just starting to alleviate. I don't know how I've made it through this. I've always wanted 3 children, but the last few weeks-as I've started to feel some relief from the PND-I've realised that I have to stop with two. I've not really come to terms with this yet, and feel like I'm still mourning that 3rd child. I worry that I'll give in and have another, and that I won't get through it next time. Anyway, I just wanted to say that it was quite comforting reading your post and realising I'm not the only one (and that you seem to have come to terms with your choice.)

DONTRWS thank-you I thought I was the only one. I think I will always want more but can never be sure that I will get through it next time.

I've started having a clear out as DS3 is 15 months now and getting rid pf his baby clothes. I have to admit to smelling practically every item before packing them away.

A few people have said sell all the stuff but some how it just doesn't seem 'right'.

My SIL is 9 weeks pregnant and I'm bagging loads up for her as I would rather see the items go to a good home plus I have a couple of friends with younger boys.

I'm trying to focus on the fact that in 18 months time we will all be able to go bowling as a family in the evening or to the cinema which isn't possible at the minute as DS3 goes to bed at 7pm.

I'm not sure how you come terms with no more when you are yearning for a child and I totally understand about mourning the loss of a child that hasn't been.

It has helped having a clear out, just feel like I'm muddling through a but at the minute but can see it getting easier.

Keawyed - I've been wondering what to do with the baby clothes DD2 is growing out of. I guess I'll know I've come to terms with my decision when I feel able to pass them on. I know what you mean about selling them.

Yesterday I saw what felt like countless pregnant women and I actually felt myself thinking 'thank goodness I'll never have to do that again.' (I hate being pregnant.) So perhaps that's a sign I'm thinking more positively!?

The boys woke early the other morning and found myself with that horrible feeling of sleepless nights and though thank-god I don't have to do them.

Because I have been in baby mode for over 7 years I need to get my head aorund a new way of thinking.

I'm tied to the house from 6 in the evening because the youngest goes to bed early and cannot stay awake beyond 7 so I'm try to focus on what we will be able to do in the near future.

I had to force myself to sort the clothes out and it felt quite theraputic.
TBH I think I would have kept them forever.

It definately sounds like you are thinking more positive.