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Mental health

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Original poster

Can't believe I'm posting this

21 replies

NorkyButNice · 14/08/2010 20:46

I was diagnosed with PND a couple of weeks ago but they suspect I've had it since DS1 was born 3 years ago. I'm on Sertraline which I've been taking for 10 days.

Things have escalated quite quickly and the mental health social worker decided last week that I shouldn't be alone with the children whenever possible (not because I'd hurt them but because I've been having thoughts of hurting myself to get away from the situation).

It was my sister's wedding yesterday and the day totally took it out of me. DH has taken the boys up to his parents for the weekend to give me some space, and I'm absolutely dreading them coming back to the point where I'm having all sorts running through my head.

I'm alone with a bottle of wine and (depressingly) have no-one to spill my guts to IRL.

Has anyone been through PND and come out the other side smiling?

OP posts:

madmouse · 14/08/2010 20:55

I'm well on my way out of PTSD - and starting to smile again. The same friend who's been my rock through all this has commented twice this week on seeing me 'glow' again...

Does that count?

I didn't want your post to go unanswered.

Original poster

NorkyButNice · 14/08/2010 21:13

A glow would be good a month past giving birth.

I don't love my children - I don't know how drugs can fix it.

OP posts:

madmouse · 14/08/2010 21:16

Norky it's been a bit longer since I gave birth...

You don't meds to help you love your children - meds can help you to lift these dark awful clouds that make you feel so bad. Then you can see again. And then we will see if you still don't love your kids.

BuzzingNoise · 14/08/2010 21:21

norky, I have come through it. Ds is nearly 4 now, and although I don't have a 'normal' relationship with him and I spend a lot of time resenting him, it's all ok.
I'm still on the tablets and I can't see me coming off them soon.
The very dark days when I couldn't function at all, let alone look after my child (thankfully dh has been amaying with ds), are behind me. There is light at the end of the tunnel, although it might be a long and twisty tunnel, I promise.

smudgedred · 14/08/2010 21:29

i have pnd, and for me i love my elder son with all my heart, yet my younger one, i feel bad as i can't seem to love him even though he has done nothing wrong and is a better, quieter baby than his brother was. i resent him for getting in the way of my relationship with my elder boy. i know its wrong. yet i know that one day i will love my yougest.

Original poster

NorkyButNice · 14/08/2010 21:39

The first 6 months with Ds1 were intolerable - when I went back to work things got a bit better but since DS2 was born it's brought it all back.

I literally cant stand the situation. I'd rather die than have them back tomorrow night

DH is being great but he's just started a new job and I don't want to mess things up for him. I think that's the only thing stopping me at the moment.

OP posts:

BuzzingNoise · 14/08/2010 21:48

please take comfort in the fact that you are not the only one to have such feelings.

OnEdge · 14/08/2010 21:54

My experience of commencing Sertraline (for anxiety in prgnancy) was that it took several weeks for it to kick in. Sadly it made me feel a lot worse before I felt better. I think this is normal, so your Sertraline might be making you feel worse.

The good news is, mine has kicked in at around 6 weeks. I feel amazing, I have my life back , I feel content and happy and very competent as a Mum again, like the Lioness I want to be.

Just keep going.

Original poster

NorkyButNice · 14/08/2010 23:11

How do you keep going?

Everytime DS2 cries I want to run out of the door. DS1 asks for hugs and I resent him for it.

I'm not a natural mother and they deserve better than me.

OP posts:

madmouse · 15/08/2010 09:34

You are a poorly mum who deserves to feel better than this..

That's the truth of it

The way I see it little kids make constant demands and if you are not well and you feel you can't meet their needs you start to feel awful and guilty and you start resenting them.

Give the meds and support a chance and you will feel different...

itsonlyajob · 15/08/2010 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dontrunwithscissors · 15/08/2010 13:55

I could have more or less written your post a few months ago. I had undiagnosed PND after DD1, which improved a bit once I went back to work, but there were clearly many issues that were never resolved. I thought I was just a crap ('unnatural') mother, who preferred to be at work than care for her child. Everything came to a head after I had DD2. I was diagnosed with PND when she was 8 weeks old. She's now 29 weeks. As someone said above, it's been a very long and winding road, and I've been where you are now more times than I wish to remember. In between, though, there have been glimpses of a different 'me.' I've realised I do love my children, although I often still question that fact. I'm also slowly coming to terms with the fact that it's not such a terrible thing to enjoy going to work. How do I keep going? Minute by minute, hour by hour. I'm learning to take heart from the times when I find myself smiling at the DD's, or I laugh at the TV. It took a long while until I was able to do that, though. You're still very early on with the med's - give them chance to work. Be kind to yourself & try to reach out for support wherever you can find it.

S445 · 15/08/2010 13:59

I had heard sertraline makes you feel really, really bad during the first 2 weeks or so - it can be a risk for suicide. So this is probably the drugs kicking in. Apparently after the initial bit they start to make you feel better.

Please hang in there darling.

Lulumaam · 15/08/2010 16:11

I had absoloutely horrific PND after DS. did not have quite the same experience, but certainly the feeling htat he deserverd better, and i was damaging him terribly .

it's because you are unwell.

for me , regular meds did not help one bit. i was finally prescribed effexor by a consultant psych and with intensive treatment, it did totally turn around

it was long hard slog made far worse by not being diagnosed for 18 mths after i had ds, despite having symptoms within days really of the birth.

him being DC1, i had no experience to compare it to.

i did get well, and no repeat of it with DC2.

you have my sympathy and empathy. it is a horrible illnbess to live wtih

Original poster

NorkyButNice · 15/08/2010 22:19

Thank you everyone for posting your experiences. I am reading and digesting but not up to proper reply at the moment - it's a battle to keep talking and walking.

Thanks again

OP posts:

Lougle · 15/08/2010 22:37

NorkyButNice, I haven't had PND, but your posts make me want to cry for you.

You are a good mother. The reason I know this? You care about how you are feeling. You are feeling sad that you don't want to be with your children.

You can get through this, day at a time. Have you got support for the coming week with the chiildren?

rewardgirl · 27/08/2010 08:57

I can confirm that Sertraline makes you feel rotten for the first few weeks but then the light comes shining through. Have been on them twice and both times I felt like a new woman by the end of the first month. Intge meantime, be kind to yourself and don't be afraid to be a bit selfish as this is the best medicine at the moment. Truly x

fattybum · 27/08/2010 22:41

I often find it very hard to love ds1, who's four. With ds2 it just comes much easier and I feel heartbroken by it. I think I was suffering from pnd after ds1 was born, feeling like I couldn't cope and that I was rubbish as a mother, and these feelings have never been resolved. It feels too late to do anything to change it now.

I totally understand how you feel not wanting them to come home.

basl · 28/08/2010 00:27

NorkyButNice just wanted to give you some support here. Long story but i have suffered greatly of late but not necessarily PND but my illness did effect the way i looked at my children. Especially my second. I wanted to tell you that once i admitted i could not cope and not feeling well and started looking out for me then things started to fall into place. My children act differently towards me now and i have a much better relationship.

Try to believe that you are not alone and things should get better for you and it's only early days so don't panic if your feeling like this about tomorrow. Try to tell yourself that you are a very good mother or you would not have taken any steps to get help.

I have told this to everyone but i was given this little bit of help when i was so bad.

On a flight when the oxygen drops down. The adults are asked to take it first in order to then help the children. In other words we need to look after ourselves and get better first then look at our relationship with our kids. My little boy is so different with me now and i am positive they can tell there is something up so they do what they can to get to you which then makes us feel worse and so on.

I suggest you talk talk and talk some more. Mums net is a fantastic place to do this. You will always have someone to listen and sometimes just typing it out is great.

Good luck and i really really wish you well again xxxx

BFAnon · 05/09/2010 16:06

hang on in there. it's really hard, but if you were a bad mum, you really wouldn't be thinking about being bad- you would have thought you are being good and it's your children who being bad, not you. you are blaming yourself- and it shows that you a good mother. hang on in there, get all the help that you can- parents, dh, child minders- and it will get better. hugs.

sorrento56 · 05/09/2010 16:16

I have had PND for a long time and some of what you have said is exactly how I feel at times. Try to take things as easy as you can and don't think so much. I think too much sometimes and it just makes things much much worse. Take care. You are not alone.

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