don' know what to call this but may upset to some ppl. open with caution. (sexual abuse)

[SagacityNell]

I am sorry to post here but thought it safest.

There have been a couple of threads recently that have spoken about rape/sexual abuse and the after effects. Because of these threads i have remembered lots of things that i had previously blocked and things that i remembered one way have come flooding back as actually happening another way - does that make sense?

Anyway, one of the things that came back was an incident in a church. Long story short, i was groomed and raped.
I have been back once since it happened and that was really bloody hard and i sat at the back. However, I have to go to a funeral there and possibly sing in the spot that 'it' happened. I can't not go.

I just don't know how i will get thru that part of the day.

Oh no I feel for you - double so because it was probably my threads (as willsurvivethis) that did it

I've had a lot of stuff come back to me over the past year and a half and it turns your life upside down in a really not funny way.

You may hopefully find that your protection mechanisms kick in and you will get through it kind of ok but there is a risk more will come back and you will feel very very shite.

Is someone going with you? Things that help me: clutching my phone which is my symbol of safety: I can call or text someone if I can't hack it alone. Pushing my nails into my hands really hard to make imprints - pain without damage - helps me to stay with it...

I'm open to CAT/chat on here if you think thgat may help.

DOn't worry, it's not you. I guess i had to remember at some point. ANd i do feel inside out.

Its complicated but the person who died is a v v close friends FIL. I spent a lot of time with this friend and her family is like my own family, her children call me their big sister etc. I have to be there, to say bye to him and to be there for her and her girls.

The church where the funeral will be held will be the church where he was a local preacher, where i helped with sunday school, two youth groups and was on the toddler group and coffee rotas. There will be people there who i have missed but who meant a lot to me a long time ago, there will be people there who know what happened as i reported it to the minister but who did nothing at all about it. I HAVE to be ok with it and my coping strategies are not anything that i can do in public (SH)

If by " sing" you means sing in the choir or a solo then i dont think you should agree to this at all. Way too much stress

given that there are people there who know and did nothing, are you sure you really want to go? It might be different if things had been handled properly

why don't you just call off on the morning of the funeral? phone the family that morning and say you've been up all night vomiting and have diarrheoa and can barely stand. these things happen.........

if you are totally overwhelmed by fears and memories then you wont be able to be a support to the family and get some closure on your friends death anyway . It will just be a terrible ordeal for you to get through and no comfort at all

you can still offer support in the weeks and months ahead - usually when its most needed

I think you are perhaps expecting too much of yourself in the circumstances

Sagacity

is there any thing to trying to think of this as a chance to creat a new memory to over ride the old one IYSWIM

Rather than trying to blank it , plan what you will do to make this new memory replace the old one.

I suspect just trying to not think about it won't work. Is there anyone who knows your history that could help you?

It will be solo singing. He used to play piano and i used to sing with him. Was also a singer in the 'worship group' for a while.

I HAVE to go to be there for the family. One of her daughters has aspergers and even if i am just there in body that will be enough. She just would not understand if i didn't go. ANd they specifically asked.

Pag, I haven't told anyone about this. Not properly. ANd the only person who knows the most about it is my friend.

if you are determined to go then i think pagwatches plan sounds good. though i honestly think a solo is a very bad idea, unless you are 100% sure that you will be in control of your emotions

even under normal circumstances, its much harder to participate in a funeral than in a normal worship service

can i just check - have you been to plenty funerals before? sorry if this is patronising, its just I'm often surprised how many adults have never attended one until its their parents/grandparents

ah. That makes it harder. You poor thing.

I don't really know what to say that won't sound trite.

But you should remember that you are doing well. You are getting on with life and you are a good person, supporting family and friends that you care about.
You have done all that in spite of what he did. That is pretty bloody amazing.
Maybe you can find some strength in thinking about that rather than the bad memories?

sorry that does sound trite but it is what got me through a few bad moment.

good point Kristina. No i haven't been to many funerals. I think i have only been to 3 in my entire life. 2 of those i was singing at. I didn't go to my either of my grandads but went to my grans.

Pag, you aren't being trite at all :)

When we get confirmation of the date i will get in touch with a mutual friend who knows other parts of my past and ask if she will be free before and/or after. She knows that i struggle to go in there but not why.

BTW i saw your other thread about clothes. Don't worry about your outfit. I'm guessing its not high church and is a non conformist or evangelical church? they are much less traditional about funeral clothes - anything dark and smart will do.

just buy something you will wear again - dont waste money. doesn't need to be black if you dont wear it normally - charcoal grey, navy, dark brown are all fine

Its a methodist church and is more so that i don't have to worry about 'being right' i think. he person doing the service is an old friend so not worried about what the preacher will think.

Thanks by the way all of you x

nell - i was wondering about your late friend.if you told him what you have told us, what would he advise you to do?

I wouldn't have told him. Those kind of things are not spoken about by his generation and are kept secret so as not to shame the family.

Personally I wouldn't go, although I very much appreciate the situation you're in. I also have a history of sexual abuse and going back to the place of the memories can be very stressful. One thing that helped me in the past and you can do it in public is to put an elastic band round your wrist and 'ping' it when the memories come. It can stop you disassociating into past memories.

As a long term plan, I would consider asking your GP to refer you for counselling. Lots of people who have experienced childhood sexual abuse have post traumatic stress disorder which is very treatable. My therapy is helping enormously.

Thinking of you and talk to us any time you want.

Seconding Queen really - the elastic band is the same 'trick' as I do with my nails.

And also about the PTSD and the therapy. I was diagnosed in April 2009 and I'm really coming out on the other side now and it is great even though I still have bad days life is more worth living than ever before.

I have been offered counselling but I don't want to talk about it. Its different on here in a way. And there is no way that I can't go.

I already wear a hair bobble for pinging but I would have prob taken it off for funeral tbh.