Getting seriously angry with little ones...

[yankey]

I have been a SAHM now for a year. I have never been the maternal type but I do love my children, unfortunately lately I dont feel very good at it. My dd2 10mths seems to moan whenever she is not in my arms, (but pulls my hair out when she is) and my dd1 is 4 and has tantrums about things like putting on her socks and never wears whats been irnoned. This morning I took the time to play one on one with dd1 while dd2 napping but once the baby was up dd1 started acting up (always jealous)...I tried to get us out of the house but dd1 had tantrum about socks being tight! and I felt my blood boil, I just got so angry like I could really hurt someone. I managed to keep my hands off her but I screamed and hit the door. Sometimes when really annoyed I do really grab her and yell. I am so ashamed at these behaviours I dont want to be this sort of mother, I really wanted to be a good SAHM and ensure my kids got the best. Now I find myself walking around numb trying to avoid them both because any contact will lead to dd2 moaning (as cant crawl/walk yet) or dd1 arguing, ignoring, shouting. DD1 has also taken to playing by herself good as gld a lot, because theres no one to play with which I hate even though peaceful. I am now considering whether I am cut out to be a SAHM, and think if I had a more interesting job to return to then I would (I know this is pathetic). I think maybe I am using being at home as excuse not to get on with own career/life which was a disappointment. I also dont understand when Mums say 'Oh wont you be sad when dd1 starts school', I think 'No, not at all I think life will be easier' and I don't think other people feel like me.

Actually life does get easier when kids start school. Can DD1 go to the kindergarten?

I think that looking after 2 lo is a difficult job. You seem to be bored with staying at home with them, any chance you could think about retraining/ upping your quals so you could get a better job?

Wrt your anger- it seems you're really frustrated at the moment. I think you need to think about your life and what would make you happy and what follows what would make you a more patient mum.

Oh hun, feel awful for you.

Don't really have any hard advice to offer but didn't want you to feel alone. I too have absolutely no patience with my dd's sometimes and have shouted out and smacked the sofa/car wheel/bed frame/etc wherever we happen to be negotiating the tantrum. You're not alone! It's when you get to the point that your dc displays that behaviour back to you that you think ok, gone too far now, must learn to control myself!

I know they can be little sods sometimes but it's perfectly normal! It's up to you to not let them see you lose control though, however angry you get. I have been known to go to another room and then hit inanimate objects to rant the stress rather than let them see me angry. I don't want to frighten them and I don't want them to copy me either.

Sorry can't be of much help here. I'm sure you're a great mummy, we all hit a hard patch now and again. You are most definitely not alone.

Big Hug. X

Thanks very much for your advise. DD1 cant go to kindergarten but starts school in a few weeks, so I think I will simply hold tight till then. I am going to get a reward chart back which seemed to have a positive effect on getting dd1 dressed in the mornings. I do need to upskill or change career but choosing a direction has always been my biggest problem . DD2 is already screaming and I have head ache already from night shift but think I am going to try no matter what not to lose control today see if I can manage that for just one day...

Well, that's good- just few more weeks.
I do tend to be a bit more laid back parent in that that I don't ever expect anything to happen as planned- so I am aways mentally prepared for all the tantrums etc. DS is 8 and DD is 18 months. I've stayed at home with her since she was born- there's a chance she'll get a place in a nursery from October- and as much as I don't really want her to go, I think it'll be very beneficial for my sanity. I just completed my first year of Eng Lit degree with the OU- at least I felt like I was doing something for myself iyswim.

And wrt the tantrums- if it's one at home, I just ignore it (of course not when she's crying because she hurt herself etc, but when it's the typically irrational toddler meltdown). If we're in a shop, I just put her under my arm like a rolled up carpet and leave- after I got my stuff, though. Of course, there's a bit of bribing going on and a bit of tv to give me a few moments of peace, but generally I'm quite consistent with that it's mummy that always wins iyswim- so far it worked.

I would seriously think about getting back to uni/work at some point. If you're unhappy taking care of the kids non stop, don't do it, if you have that possibility. Nothing wrong with that, don't feel guilty. I imagine your anger comes more from the frustration with life at moment that because you actually hate your kids?

Ah, just saw your DD2 is just 10 months, so too early yet for tantrums.

I think that your children are both at a very hard age - mine are a similar gap and I know I found just before my DS1 went to school and when DS2 was just finding his feet and being far more interactive (and demanding on attention compared to just being happy being plonked somewhere!) it had me on my knees most days. I think you're wise to hold out til school. The headteacher took one look at my DS1 on 1st day and said 'You're ready for school, aren't you?!' - and it was so true. His behaviour has really calmed down since starting school. Plus it gives you more time just for DD2 and when DD2 you get 'me' time - bet you can't remember what that feels like!!! I think you'll find that such a relief from the relentlessness and the frustration/anger you're feeling now will fade as you feel less stressed out and overwhelmed.

Maybe going back to work p/t might be a good thing, even if its in the old job. I was quite bleargh about my job pre-kids but now whilst its not perfect, its perfect for now iyswim. Keeps my oar in and gives me some thinking about something else sanity. You might find the same rather than putting so much pressure (that you don't need right now) about career change/upskills.

I did notice you mentioned about your DD refusing to wear what had been ironed....stop ironing, folding their clothes is usually good enough! And in the time you would've ironed have a cup of tea and a biscuit!!!

I loved 1-2-3 Magic as a discipline book. Worked very well with my mischievious monkey and very easy to implement for careworn-can-hardly-bear-to-think mummy's. Simple and aims to take the emotional aspect out of discipline (ie you not getting to very understandable blood boiling stage!)

And I loved a book by Paul McKenna - Control Stress - really helpful tips on coping/relaxation strategies!

Oh thank you so much for your advice and lovely stories , love the 'rolled up blanket one' and about zam72's kiddie being 'sooo ready for school', dd1 is definitely there too. The last two days have been totally different, its amazing what you can achieve when you keep your cool. It did happen to be the wrong time of the month as well (sorry for the detail) but feeling much happier now and have allowed dd1 to have tantrum without competing for who can be the worst behaved! I also agree that its nt the right time to be thinking of career change. I actually think that additional and unnesesary pressure has been stressing me out and the last 2 days I kept thinking 'just focus on enjoying the kids dont worry about anything else right now' and it really has helped. i was getting so stressed out arguing with dd1 the other day that when she came down wearing her 'yet to be worn new school uniform to go out shopping, I just said 'ok'..today she was in her sleeveless shiny gymnastics leotard and jeans with belt. How come everyone elses kids always seem to look nice and I reckon they didnt spend an hour getting them into it. Today I just looked at her and thought I love that she is her own little person. How long can these rose tinted glasses last? Also dd2 started to move forward yesterday, albeit SAS style but forward - an achievement at last HOORAY!

Ah...good! Sometimes all you need is a good few days! Love her outfit BTW....makes me smile thinking of her fiesty independence!