So apparently it's not normal to dislike your children

[NorkyButNice]

DS1 is 3 in September, and DS2 was born 3 weeks ago.

Been struggling with my emotions for the last couple of weeks - lots of unresolved issues from DS1's early days have come back with DS2 and I find myself needing to escape.

I could happily pack my bags and walk out and it wouldn't bother me to never see any of them again. Am not a natural mother and am so angry/jealous of DH who gets to have a good nights sleep and then go out to work (yet thinks he has the hard job).

HV called yesterday to give test results and I ended up sobbing down the phone at her. She came over, stayed for an hour then organised a GP appt. I have sertraline to take as he thinks I have moderate to severe PND.

Since DS1 was born i've just thought I'm a crap mother as there was no rush of love. Still don't believe they wouldn't be better off without me.

PND makes you feel like a bad mother, that you just aren't good enough when really, you have an illness. But you are doing the right thing getting help so early so well done. There is light at the end of the tunnel even though it doesn't feel it right now.

Try not to be too hard on yourself; it will get better. You are not alone with these feelings, but it does get better (although that is of no consolation to you now). Getting help is the best way forward. I don't do the hugs things but (((hugs)))).

I've felt this way for so long that I can't imagine any other way. The HV asked what could happen to make me feel better, and I said "having no children" - isn't that awful?

Agree it is your illness talking - that's what PND does to you. Glad you are getting support and meds.

FWIW my ds was in hospital for 3 weeks after birth and the first week was hairy. I felt totally able and ready to walk out and forget I ever had a son. The nurses looked after him better anyway.

He's 2.5 and my angel baby - I love him to bits. Thoughts about walking away are self protection mechanism under enorm duress - be it a huge fear of big emotions and a very sick child (me) or PND (you).

It will get better.

it will get better. very well done for telling the HV how you felt, that was brave and something lots of people struggle with. you've done the right thing getting meds too. (I'm also on sertraline)

does your DH know how you feel? it's perfectly natural to feel jealous of his ability to swan off to work BTW. let him know how what you're feeling. with sertraline, BTW, it is especially important to have support while the effects kick in as there is a small possibility you will feel worse for a while before you start recovering.

you can get through this. keep posting, MN is so great for support

Its true about what the other posters have said. What you are feeling (and it is a real feeling) is completely normal (however 'at odds' this will feel to you). I absolutely can vividly remember thinking that I was just not cut out for this business of motherhood. In my head I had already organised the relocation of my newly born dd - it all seemed quite rational to me.
When people said to me it was quite normal I would think they were talking nonsense and I was the exception to the rule and my feelings towards dd would not change....they do. I'm sorry you feel like you do x

The HV just called to say she's arranging counselling with an organisation called Stepping Stones. She's also coming out to see me herself again tomorrow.

Ive only ever seen bad things said about HVs but I have to say that they've been great with us since DS2 was born.

In-laws are coming to stay this weekend - they've offered to babysit if DH and I want to go out one evening - I just want to go to bed and sleep but DH is keen to have some us time. Getting out of the house sans kids does sound good though.

stepping stones?

whereabouts do you live may I ask?

(I used to have family therapy at a place with that name)

yes, make the most of DH-and-you time.

Yes do go out, you'll feel tons better.

I was on sertraline for a year, it really will help.

Norky- I saw your thread the other day. I am so pleased you're getting help- hope all is uphill from here.

I'm in Kent, near Bromley. We moved here in March and I don't really know anyone which isn't helping I think.

I looked up mother and baby type groups but am terrified of going and people seeing just how detached I am from my own children.

yep, same building then!
I lived near the Bromley Court Hotel, if you know it. shame I'm in Crawley now, I could've met you and hung out

don't suppose you're near shortlands are you? my mum runs the library there, they do lovely baby bounce/story time sessions...

where did you move from?

Oh sweetheart, just replied on your other thread.

It sounds like you have had PND for the last 3 years :( It can be fixed. It may be a battle but you will love your babies in the end :)

From a slightly different perspective - my mother had ongoing PND which she never resolved. It has had a profound impact on my life in ways that I still am surprised and dismayed to discover (and hers too obviously - she is an unhappy bitter woman).

Please get through it for yours and your childrens' sakes. There's so much help available now. As far as I know, for my mother it was just swept under the rug...waste of a life really.