Rapid Mood Cycling - current state low

[onehackedoffmuma]

I'm sat at my desk at work on the verge of tears. I recently returned to work after being signed off for 8 weeks following attempted suicide.
I absolutely detest my job and every day it kills me to have to walk into an environment where a) a number of people know what I did b)feel trapped as there is no room for growth/improvement c) have less time with my ds.
I have a history of major depression with a personality disorder and anxiety disorder so I know that sometimes I don't help myself because of the way my brain/thoughts can spiral out of control.
Right now I feel completely stifled and trapped - I can't afford to give up work or just leave my job as I have to keep a roof over our heads. I have been with this company for two years and they have dangled a carrot in front of me throughout the entire time I have been here. I've worked my arse off and have had no recognition in return. Just empty promises that fall flat. I know I am rambling now but I think it could be my current state of mind. I don't know what to do as I often feel myself ready to explode in sheer frustration from the lack of support in this environment. I feel as though I slogged my guts out at university with a newborn, undertook countless unpaid work experience and internships, postgraduate courses and now from my last two jobs have nothing to show/. I probably sound like I feel sorry for myself - I don't. I just want my life to get better and to stop this constant swinging and cycling between states of mania/happiness and suicidal thoughts/major depressive episodes.

To top it off today is my birthday and all I want to do right now is throw myself under a train.

Am sorry to sound so miserable but I feel like I can't offload or talk to friends/family anymore. It's too painful for them and none of them really understand how I feel.

Happy birthday by the way! Although when you feel low, your birthdays are often anything but.

I presume you've tried looking for other jobs? It's hard at the moment, because there are fewer jobs around.

Is there anyone at work you like/ can tolerate at least?

It's an awful situation to be unhappy at work, to dread going in. However, feeling so rotten about work may be at least in part because of the illness you are going through. Depression sometimes can make you pinpoint an area for your unhappiness and it can be very easy to blame it all on that one thing, when actually those feelings would still be there IYSWIM?
In any case 8 weeks since a suicide attempt seems very soon to be back at work if you ask me.

Do you still feel suicidal, are you seeing the mental health team?

Hi

I also think 8 weeks is too soon to be back at work, due to your current mental state.
Did you go back because you had to, as I think you should go back to the doctors and be signed off longer.

It will give you space to get stronger and gets your thoughts clearer. Then when you go back to work, your mind will not be so negative.
In the long run, I think you need to find a different employeer, as I think your work place is a trigger that is keeping you depressed.
xx