Energy Imbalance

[D24]

Not sure of the protocol of this as I'm not a mum and this is my first post but was hoping I could get some advise on here regarding a situation that may or may not be familiar to some of you. Apologies if I've posted in the wrong section, I've put it in mental health as thats how it's affecting me but I guess it could have easily gone in general health or a relationship forum (if there is one here).

We recently had the pleasure of the arrivial of our first, a beautiful little girl. Both of us love her and would do anything for her. Things between us aren't so rosy and I think we're both getting very down as a result.

Mum has had persisent health issues that robbed her of energy for some time prior to being pregnant. Before going on maternity leave the mum to be would throw herself into her work leaving little energy to be up for being active with me after work or at weekends. I picked up the majority of the housework and cooking and weekends were for mum to recharge. Our sex life has slowly but surely dwindled from vibrant to, well, all but dead. Sometimes we'll have visitors or we'll visit family and she'll find some energy from somewhere to make an effort with them.

I feel I'm her lowest priority, and this is obviously the case when it comes to our daughter but hurt when she spent all her energy on work and found some to spare for visitors. Feeling low tends to make me withdrawn and less talkative, not that I'm one for talking much anyway, and I'm sure mum feels emotionally neglected and less willing to be active with me as a result. She snaps at me for not talking up enough or answering loud enough to be heard and thinks I'm ignoring her, I feel even lower and get quieter. Quite the vicious circle.

It's been like this for a while but the recent birth of our daughter seems to have amplified it I guess with spare together time having been restricted to tv and not much else and disturbed sleep affecting temperment.

I need to do something to change this or it'll break us, not something I want by any stretch of the imagination.

Has anyone else been in this or a similar situation? Any advise regarding this would be brilliant.

Hey you're a dad and that qualifies you for posting on mumsnet, and anything you want to say about mental health qualifies you for posting here -so that sorted and no more apologies

How recent is the recent arrival of your gorgeous girl? It may be necessary to rule out post natal depression, for your partner but also if necessary for you. The health visitor can help for starters.

Do you have any idea about the causes of your partner's behaviour/feelings or your own? If depressed it can actually be all you can do to hold up the bright face to the outside world (work/visitors) but you end up showing the ugly side of depression to the ones who are close to you. And my dh had depressive episodes in the past where he spent a lot of time sitting around at work doing nothing and then forced himself to stay until 11pm so he would get some work done.

This bit:
'Feeling low tends to make me withdrawn and less talkative, not that I'm one for talking much anyway, and I'm sure mum feels emotionally neglected and less willing to be active with me as a result. She snaps at me for not talking up enough or answering loud enough to be heard and thinks I'm ignoring her, I feel even lower and get quieter.' - could have been written by my dh while depressed....so are you ok?

If things were not right before the baby every chance is that problems will be amplified in the general fuzz of exhaustion that is the newborn stage.

It sounds like you two need to start with talking to each other and opening up to what is really going on. Get someone to babysit, not necessary an evening as you may be too tired. Maybe a Saturday afternoon so you can go for a walk and talk.

sorry for the ramble - hope it will do as a conversation starter

Thank you for the responses. Our lovely little girl is less than 3 months old. Getting lots of smiles out of her at the moment and playing with here is a real bright spot in my day

We had a chat last night which I think has helped. Found out that I hadn't taken into consideration the energy she required to deal with my inability to converse like a 'normal' person and encourage me into communication. That I'd made the effort to initiate the talk was a step forward for me, which was recognised. I know I have failings in the area of verbal communication, especially with my own feelings. I don't like how I am with this and want to change but it takes real effort to remember, it's not natural to me, and when I'm out of sorts I seem to regress to my 'default' with out realising.

But, hopefully we can build on last nights talk and things should improve again

I read your post to my dh (an experience expert in being male and clinically depressed) and he says you sound depressed and your wife needs to know that shouting at you to speak up makes it worse....

I don't know if I'd describe me as depressed, I just get low moods sometimes.

I can understand why she shouts, she gets frustated with me and does it with out thinking. When she is in a normal happy state then she takes the time to work with my level of social skills. Obviously she's not got the normal levels of patience and energy to deal with that at the moment. And I guess I'm the same, when I'm on top I find it easier to remember how to socialise properly with another person but it's a bit forced, it just doesn't come to me naturally and suffers when I'm not on top. Tried to get some sort of diagnosis but didn't really get anywhere though I did have some treatment for anxiety that helped that a bit and this to some degree (stress/anxiety hampers my ability to be verbal).

Anyway, I'm hopeful we can build on yesterday and things seemed much better when I got out of bed today

Has Aspergers been considered for you? dh is a mild aspie and a lot of what you write in your last post is very familiar to me...

We've discussed that in the past and concluded I may have a mild version. Unfortunately getting a diagnosis as an adult for a mild case seems to be nigh on impossible for the health care system to consider bother trying let alone get anywhere with! If I did have that then it 'only' seems to affect my ability to socialise in groups and some aspects of one on one communication. Though if I'm set to have a conversation eg, meeting a friend in a pub where we just drink and chat, then I'm generally ok (though struggle to converse about some subjects/verbalise what I'm feeling about something).

It seems to be responding (especially while my attention is on something specific) and initiating or getting drawn into a proper conversation that I(we) have problems with at home.

If I didn't know better I would think you are my dh.......

By the way we have 'diagnosed' him between us, knowign a fair bit about the condition. It actually helps me to be more patient with him, give him a bit of time to get used to a sudden change of plan, know that when we come home from socialising in a group or unfamiliar environment he is spent and there's no point to do anything except let him go behind his computer and get himself back togethe.

But he is a fabulous friend and a really good listener - if you get him one to one.

Pretty sure you're not my dw as I don't have a computer of my own anymore and I'm mostly ok with some sudden changes of plan (depends what the original plan was really) but the rest sounds spookily familiar!