In fear of myself

[chasingrainbows]

i am new to mumsnet - signed up for support as i have been living with depression for nearly six years.

ADs have not worked for me and i do not feel that i could open up in one to one therapy (for fear of losing it altogether).

My kids are suffering because i cant cope - dc2 (of 3) has cried because he has been getting angry also and doesnt want to be this way which is why i am looking for help. I cant lose my family.My dd is a ball of fury most of the time. Ds3 is so far calm and rational and i need to keep it that way and repair the damage to my other two.

DH works away all week and I dont have much support - i work part time also - i just feel i am inches away from not being able to contain the fury and it scares me.

I live in scotland and think i can get on a CBT course - this doesnt seem to involve the face to face "confrontational" that fills me with fear.

www.breathingspacescotland.co.uk/bspace/959.html

Sorry to ramble but I dont know where to turn.

I hope I am not alone in needing to speak to someone but absolutely mortified and atrophied by fear and humiliation at the same time.

Is irrational rage typical of depression? I dont know whats wrong with me.

Bumping for you because I am not the best person to help you, but they are about, and will come and talk to you if they see this thread.

If theres one thing I have learnt from MN, you are never alone. There is always someone who has experienced something similar or who has a knowledge of what someone else is going through.

Hang in there

hey pet, you are definately not alone in how you are feeling. other people will be along with great advice

I will check back in the morning

Take care

i am so thankful to know there is support out there.
thanks for posting

You're welcome I will check back too

Hello

Anger can be a big part of depression. Depression can have many different guises not just sitting there feeling really low. I get agitated quite a lot, restless physically.

I understand your fear of losing it completely in counselling because I had it too - and I can now (after facing it) say that it is an unncessary fear. There were deep feelings there, still are, that hurt like hell, I still haven't worked through everything but it comes up in bits that you can work through.

The only time I really lost it was at home one night when it felt like I got 26 flashbacks at once and i couldn't breath and I needed emergency help from a friend to get back to a state where I could breath properly. In counselling it has always been controlled.

I'm saying all this because if there is a deeper cause for your rage CBT will not help you sort that, it may help you cope with the anger and express it appropriately but it will still be there IYSWIM.

I very much appreciate your comments and certainly feel I will arrange to speak to a professional - my family should not have to cope with my massively disproportionate reactions.
That it's the school holidays, it's raining, the kids are never satisfied and I have undertaken to have my friends 3 boys for the day won't help but I think I know what I need to do to move forward and get some control back.
Thanks for your advice.

Chasing, hope you are ok,

Hi, have had CBT in past, peronally didn't find v helpful but that was many years ago. Felt CBT was very impersonal and very much 'of the present', doesn't really address any past issues but doesn't mean it won't work for others. I've found antidepressants (at reasonably high dose) to be most effective, been on for approx 7/8 yrs and though not ideal, has prevented any reocurrence and feel has definately helped for me