Just need to clear my head a little.

[Desperatetobenormal]

I've namechanged for this post.
I'm sorry for what this is going to be i.e one whole massive session or rage, self loathing and self pity. Delete it you don't need to read it I just need to say something to clear my head a little.
I don't want to carry on right now. It feels like my heart is full on breaking. I have had depression for the last 13 years o and off and I'm now seeing a therapist again they've told me I'm not to be left alone as my risk of suicide is too high. My brother wants me to go up next month in scotland we haven't seen each other in 14 years or so. I can't not in the state I'm in. I'm scared witless of going. I've been trying to explain it all to him and told him I'd let him know what the doctor thought today when I went to see them.

They doubled my antidepressents and warned me not to be alone for too long for the next 6 weeks til they start working. I've just had a message from him on here asking if I'm making up excuses like my Mum? Thats just not fair I want to go so much but I'm too much of a fucking failure to go. I just hate myself so much. Why can't I just be normal for once?! I don't want to go downstairs and bother DH because I'm just so ashamed of myself right now. I really wish I did have the balls to kill myself because that'd be less painful then being alive. I don't eat I don't bloody sleep all I do is sit here and cry and I just want it all to go away. I'm sick and tired of my life. I don't have any friends round here the only one I did have backstabbed me and now refuses to talk to me after I did everything I could for her. Including looking after her kid/pets/house everything I could do. I just hate my life. I don't understand why I'm not good enough.

Is the idea that you go to Scotland on your own or with your DH. If the latter then I really do wonder if you could manage a short visit, though don't know how far away you are from Scotland. Could your brother come to see you instead.

I do understand about the awfulness of depression - I had a major episode 15 years ago and have just been discharged from hospital after a 2nd major episode and and still not recovered. Like you I have contemplated suicide but read a very good article (given to me by my cpn) talking of suicide being a cowardly thing because we will leave people behind who may continue to suffer from depression, anxiety, guilt or whatever for the rest of their lives. The most profound statement for me was suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem................are you getting the right sort of help for your depression? I know how it feels to be ashamed of feeling a failure - I have felt all the same things.

I think if this proposed trip is a real ordeal then you shouldn't go, or maybe find a compromise - meet halfway and stay in a travel lodge or something BUT if you can get it together to go I think you may well feel you have achieved a great deal.

Good luck whatever