Feeling desperate, anyone have time to talk?

[SparkleRainbow]

I am sane enough to recognise that I have reached the point of crying for help. I feel so depressed and sad I feel I can barely function. DS is seriously ill with potentially life threatening condition, DH has had an affair, although it didn't get far, with woman now his boss, who went out to get him as best she could. We have talked it all through and much is resolved at least for him, but my self esteem is destroyed, I thought he was someone who would keep me safe, someone for whom I would always be special, now I know I am not special to anyone, and it is so desperately lonely. I watch all my friends in rl and feel so alone. If it wasn't for the children I would have given up by now, I won't ever, because of them, they need the stability I bring to have a normal life, I love them dearly. I just need to share these desperate feelings, is there anyone who has felt the same and come out the other side?

I'm out now for a few hours but will be back after that to talk - hang in there. You have had to deal with a lot no wonder you feel desperate. have been there - sometimes still are (teetering on the edge right now).

You are not alone - try to talk to someone in real life, a friend or the samaritans.

i think its best to think that you are copletely normal

child with life threatening illness
husband has an affair

if you feel depressed - than that is NORMAL under these circumstances.

so you are NORMAL

its not normal when life does what life does, nothing spectacular has hit you in the face, a few little things that you would ordinarily cope with sends you into a spiralling depression........that is NOT normal.

you are normal.

yes, talk talk talk, make the time to talk to someone. look after yourself and plan for the future

becuase future planning = hope.

without hope you have nothing.

look after yourself - go for a night out if you can

Sparkle, I don't know if I can help but I just wanted to say how much I feel for you.

I've been crying all day, feeling down and miserable, and I don't have half the problems you do.

I can identify with your self-esteem feeling shot - of course it does. As Custardo says, that is normal. Do you have friends you feel safe with? People you can just 'be' with, without having to pretend everything's ok?

I have wanted to duvet dive all day and feel like my insides are frozen but I did find that keeping vaguely, slowly active helps. I did the hoovering and felt better, believe it or not.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Keep talking, if you can.

"Is there anyone who has felt the same and come out the other side?"

Yes absolutely. I have had a rough time for a long time but with counselling and some medication, I have come out the other side.

I understand how overwhelming and desperate things can feel, believe me. Just wanting to run away and leave it all behind, or sleep for a long time.

Just wanted you to know really that feeling awful and barely getting by won't last, really it won't. But to get to the "other side" you do need to reach out and ask for help. MN is very good. But so is a trained counsellor, so your GP would be a good start.

Do you feel ready for counselling? It is such a daunting prospect sometimes, opening up. But a good counsellor can help you, and it will be tackled sensitively and slowly, at your pace.

Things that helped me get by was to be with friends as much as possible, day or night, and to try to do things I liked, such as a hot bubbly bath. I know it may not sound like much, but the idea behind it is to nurture yourself, a bit of tlc.

Please post again, talking on MN is such a help sometimes.

Just had to stop the baliffs from removing our possessions because my neighbour hasn't paid his council tax bill, and his address sounds similar to ours, they can be bothered to collect our council tax on time, but clearly not read an address! This feels like the icing on the cake, why am I living this life? I don't mean that, I love my kids and that is why, but everything is too much.

Sparkle I know that feeling. I felt similar when my bag was stolen in front of my eyes in my last week in a difficult job while psychologically feeling quite ill.

How are you feeling now?

Can't stop crying, trying to hide it from my kids. Just had some negative feedback from the school about the "hassle" of having to cater for my son's special needs for his physical condition. Everything is such a battle, not sure that I have the strength to carry it on. DH is not taking any responsibility for everything to do with the support my ds needs. In fairness to him he is working so hard to keep us financially afloat, but it so doesn't help that she is his boss, and she is manipulating him all the time. To a small extent I thing he recognises that now, but ...... I can't cope with it all.

i'm feeling similiar....other stuff going on with me,but read your post and feel for you.

does it help that schools almost over for a while?

very at school - as if they forget that sn are not easy for us parents or for our child either (I have a young ds with cerebral palsy and a speech delay)- how dare they call him a hassle.

What professionals have you involved with ds's care?

If you don't have anyone in rl to talk to about how you feel try to just let it out on here - there's always someone to listen.

We have orthopedic surgeons, paediatric rheumatologists, paediatricians, physios and the good old gp's. We are waiting for the referral for him to see a counsellor to come through.

I am so angry at the attitude of some people in school. He has been able to attend well less than 70% of the school year. Can't wait for school to be over, wonder if I should try and move him to another school, would home educated him, but not sure that would be good for him, or that I am in a place where I could do it well enough.

I haven't gone to the gp for help for me, I feel that I should be able to cope with this all, and that ad won't change what has become my life anyway, I need to just find a way of dealing with it. Not sure what that is yet though. I have been through the thoughts of suicide but I am out of them now, I also seriously considered leaving my children to dh and ow, but realise the stupidity of that, anyway I have completely unbiasly realised that she is a horrid person so I wouldn't do that to my dc.

It is just that getting up to this every day, watching my ds sleeping and knowing what the future holds for him, watching dh go to work every day and knowing that ow is there controlling his work life, manipulating him and his career....how can I manage to face another day.

Very few people in rl know the whole saga, maybe two, both of whom have their own diffiuclt challenges to face, both of whom impress me every day at what they manage to achieve and how they deal with the hand they have been dealt, I don't want to burden them further. I don't want people to think badly of dh, he is a good man who has been in a bad place. So I don't share my darkest thoughts, I don't let anyone know how black my world feels, I leave them unaware and let them go uncorrected when they tell me how well I deal with the situtaion with ds. Thank you for listening, well reading.

Sparkle, hope you're going to bed or in bed now. (Like I should be ...) Horrible to be going through this and it constantly churning around your mind and nerve endings. Get some sleep.

I know it's hard to talk to people with problems of their own but it can go both ways - sometimes it's good to help someone else with their problem, just to get a bit of time away from your own, if that makes sense. I don't think you can carry on for long pretending everything is ok, you need to talk to someone.

Am thinking of you.

Sparkle you WILL get through this.

Post on mn

Talk to friends

Do you have a sw or sen person for your son?

I am really feeling for you

I have recently lost dp and have a snchild.I ind posting on here has helped a lot.Soimrtimes talking to random strangers is cathartic.

The children are keeping me going tho hard amd I am far from good mum short tempered and feeding them crap house a mess drinking too much wine and so on

Small steps.I signed up for cat stuff ao thin am catable if you want random chat stay strong

Bugger forgot to namechange! Am also missing the intimacy stuff and will be easy to out.Lol

Thanks for all of your messages. I know that all of you will be struggling with this kind of desperate depression, one of the reasons we are here on mn I guess, I am so grateful that you have taken the time to answer me. I am so sorry for your loss of your dp missing.

It is my wedding anniversary today, I look back at how even after nine years of marriage and 17 years together I was still naive enough to think we were in this together, and I was special to him. Now he has done things with another woman that were just for us. I should say he is focussed back on the marriage, and realised what a complete and utter idiot he was, but at the moment for me something quite important has been lost and I don't think I will ever get it back.

Have been watching my lovely ds, who I love so much. He has been playing with his sisters and watching telly, gosh I love him. I have spent all night being furious angry with school. He doesn't have a key worker as such, because most of the time he just gets on with it by himself, but he does have two particular members of staff who take responsibility for him. We had a meeting last week about issues that will arise next year, one of them was getting him access to swimming. It seems that some staff, including senior managers feel one of the ta's is too expensive to spare for a couple of hours for one term, to go with him and get in the water with him, that was one of the things that made me angry yesterday, there were many others, it is just their attitude. Sometimes I think the only reason they are doing anything, and they are not doing much to make it easy (except a couple of staff) is that he is a good boy, who will get them top marks in SATs. I am having to fight for everything, and I could lose him anytime, I wonder if that is it, they just think well why should we bother he is probably going to die anyway. I am going in this morning to find out offically what is happening, best finish them getting ready for school, or we will never get there

oh sparkle.

you sound so very sad. it is completely natural to be feeling as you do, and you have every bloody right to be feeling like you're going through the mill.

re your dh...you sound like you have a relationship worth saving...do you think so? he has wronged you, but it sounds like he knows that. can you try to rebuild things?

your ds sounds like a little treasure. school is nearly over now for the summer...can you try to speak to the council/hv/doctor/whoever to get him sorted with regards to him having what he is entitled to... can you try and plan nice things for the hols to give you all a break from the shittiness of life? i find a nice day out shared with the kids gets be back on track....even just for a few hours, its a break from the drugery iykwim?

keep posting here, and keep going.... x

Sparkle, don't really have any advice to add but you sound very strong, though you might not think so yourself, to be coping with all this as well as you are (yes, you are). As already said it is normal to feel severely depressed in these circumstances.

Your DS sounds great. Hope you get on OK at the school this morning.

Got told at school today that they aren't going to sort anything out until the new school year, basically said no-one can be bothered now...yes that is right! I don't know what to do, I feel I am fighting a knee jerk reaction to go in and shout at them, but how will that help, they will just brush it off as the rantings of a stupid parent. Thinking of moving the dc but they have so many friends and I have no guarantee that any other school would be any better. Why does everything have to be a battle, doctors, schools, husbands being cr*p? Just want to collect my children bring them home and say sod you to the world, but I will just cry on the dc and that is no good either. I adore my dc, but today I am questioning what kind of relationship I bought them into, why have I given my son this condition that can take him from me, how else am I going to screw up their lives.

Have just looked up ow on her facebook page and shouted at her, not sure it is proper therapy, no-one could hear me except my dogs, not even sure I feel better, but I said things I want to say to her and I think that is a good thing, or have I just lost the plot?

Anyone around for a chat, am trying to occupy myself, and stop sitting staring out of the window.

SparkleRainbow, so sorry you are feeling angry with school. Yes, I agree, we shouldn't have to fight all the way for our children (I also have a sn child). It's exhausting.

Just one thing though, "why have I given my son this condition that can take him from me, how else am I going to screw up their lives".. If you said this out loud to your children they would be horrified, and probably cross with you. No-one actually knows how long they are going to be around on this planet, and every day counts and is precious. Your dc will feel the same way too, that each day is precious and, in a child's eyes, each day is new and exciting (hopefully!). You know you did not intentionally "give" a condition to your ds. Therefore you did not and have not screwed his life up. He loves you, and almost certainly would never blame you.

My ds has cerebral palsy and can't walk or talk. But loves life! And loves me and his dad! No self pity, no fear etc. He just enjoys each day.

Please don't feel that any of this is your fault.

However I know that there are bad days, I have them, it's impossible not to have them with such overwhelming pressures with sn children. Hard work. But give yourself some tlc, you are fighting for your ds and that's fab.

Hope today is better.

I think today is a numb day, I am conflicted by all my emotions, I can see my logical side, laying out the facts, but I can't make headway.

That's ok you know. You're not still looking out of the window, are you? Do you fancy doing anything "nice" for an hour? Watch a film on tv, go for a walk, do you draw? Something you like doing. You don't have to fight every day! Just have a day for you.

I haven't done much today in the way of phone calls on behalf of my ds, or anything useful! Haven't even made the beds yet...but I have been wrapping thank you gifts for my ds school teachers (he has been there 9 years, and leaves tomorrow) and writing cards etc. Oh, and framing pictures to put on my dc walls (of our holidays). Nice things! And I don't feel guilty either. Just enjoying quiet time, before the hoidays start.

Got phone call and rushed up to school shortly after posting yesterday, ds was in severe pain. That got me out of the house and running on adrenaline. He is fine today, just stiff and sore.

Forced myself outside into the veggie patch today did some much needed weeding, and tried to think of some of the issues on my mind and think of them like weeds to pull out, not sure that bit of self created psycho babble worked but the fresh air and excerise made me feel less numb now.

What a lovely idea framing pictures of your holiday twoisplenty, really positive way of embracing the good bits in life. Made me wonder if I have any feel good photos to put up for me and the dc to remember and have a laugh about, think we could all do with that.