Feeling so fed-up with my life I just want to run away

[Squirrel3]

Anyone who has read my threads in the step-parenting section will know what a bad time I have been having since returning home from holiday early, it seems like everyday something else happens and I can't see it getting better.

My family is splintered, so no support there, dd has huge problems too and is (of course) expecting me to support her, dp is being a complete @rse and causeing me more grief, I need to cry, grieve, scream or shout even but I can't because I have to 'keep it together' for everyone else...

Feel like just running away and letting them all get on with it.

I know it's impossible to compare relationships/people but my husband was a total arse throughout my second pregnancy. Like your bloke he seemed to completely change. This carried on for about 6 weeks after the baby was born and over the whole period, I (variously) shouted and screamed and locked him out at night and said I couldn't live like this and that we'd have to split up. He never thought I had a leg to stand on and seemed to think pregnancy and childbirth were poor excuses for expecting to be treated at least as well as his friends, ideally better. However, as I got better (I felt pretty down throughout the pregnancy) he got better too. Some people cannot cope with other people's grief or when they are feeling very low and seem to be trying to make it worse. If he was OK before, maybe he'll be OK again and supportive in a crisis just isn't his strength. As I said, I'm only sharing my experience, not at all suggesting your's is the same. I hope it gets better for you.

sorry lost connection, hope you get a decent nights sleep will log on tomorrow and check u ok

How are you doing? Not heard from you in last couple of days. Hope u ok. Keep us posted

Hello Kath4kids, would you believe another couple of bombshells have dropped on my family, 1st my dd's bf left her. DD has problems with unstable hips and a kyphosis (sp?) of the spine, they have 2 children one is only 8 wks old so life is very difficult for her anyway. The 8wk old girl (dgd) had a scan a few weeks ago which showed that she too had shallow hips which was hard for dd to cope with because she obviously didn?t want her to suffer the pain and problems that she has in her life, we were just coming to terms with it and hoping that this would fix the problem as medical science has moved on since she was a baby but dgd had an appointment with the orthopaedic surgeon yesterday and he said that one is very shallow and she needs to be referred to Great Ormond Street. We don't know what they can do for her until we get to Great Ormond Street next month.

We were outside the hospital trying to absorb the news when her ex-bf phoned her to find out what they had said. When dd told him he started to have a go at her saying that it is her fault because dgd got it from her. MEN!!!

Almost as soon as she put the phone down to him she got another phone call to tell her that the house that she had set her heart on getting had gone to someone else, she lives in a third floor flat with no lift and with her 'disabilities' it is impossible for her to negotiate the stairs with two kids so she is a prisoner in her own home unless I can help her get out. Having a house would make so much difference to her. The house has to meet all of the criteria that her OT has specified (enough room for a 'through lift' to be installed) or a bungalow so her choices are quite limited.

I haven't asked dp to go yet, think you are right now is not the time to make life changing decisions. We are still sleeping in separate rooms, I have told him that I am going to find it hard to trust him to not act like this next time there is a crisis and how much it hurt, because it took a lot of courage for me to let him into my life and trust him (because of the past) and how betrayed I felt that he would add to the pain that I was going through. I told him that he would have to find a way to reach out and prove that he is worth taking a chance on again (I admitted that it wouldn't be easy) but it seems he is trying, taking things really slow. To be honest I don't know if we can get the closeness back again, but I suppose it will take time.

Sorry this is long.

I think that my family needs a few miracles to happen.

P.s any advice on how to support and help dd with her pnd would be gratefully received.

Hi Squirrel, this probably isn't much help, but can't think of anything else - I assume your daughter is still having the health visitor coming. If not, she should be (phone call to the surgery), and she could help her with arranging 'Homestart' to visit her. They are volunteers who can help her practically. Also the health visitor would help with her PND.

Sorry to hear things are still so bad for you and yours.

emmatom thank you for your reply, dd has already had homestart help but I don't know if its the pnd but she is determined to 'prove' to all of these quote "people" that she can do it on her own and she will not accept their help.

The Health Visitor just says that anyone would be depressed in her situation, I think that they are keeping an eye on her though, but what can they do if she wont accept the help that she needs?

Its frustrating!

I've been 'researching' on the internet and I'm hoping that from what I've found out that if dgd has not got the same problems with her spine as dd she will possibly only have to have an operation then a plaster splint for two to three months at worst and then after that the outlook looks good...

Here's hoping...

Think it sounds like your going to have to take everything one step at a time.

Has your daghter had her post - natal check yet. We have to fill out a questionaire and if your score is of a certain level then GP probably offer Ads anyway or counselling but waiting list is usually pretty long.

Not accepting help all sounds like part of the depression though tbh. Its easy to believe that we have something to prove. But until she is willing to admit that she needs help there is little that you or anybody can do until she is ready to accept the help that is there.

As for you and partner does he recognise what he has done? Does he know why he acted as he did?

Maybe just now you need to get some counselling you seem to have so much going on at the moment.

Keep in touch

Kath4kids, dd has had a post-natal check and her score was pretty high but one of the questions was (something like) Do you worry or get anxious for no good reason? Dd answered no, the health visitor questioned her about her answer as dd had already burst into tears when she had asked her how she was but dd said that "yes, she was depressed, worried and anxious, but it is for good reason, not for no good reason." The health visitor had to agree. I supose that it is hard to tell if the depession is post natal (she had it after her ds was born) or the situation.

I also think that she is worried that if she admits that she can't cope the social services may get involved and (I know it won't happen because she is a wonderful mum and dispite her disabilites, her children want for nothing and are happy, loved and well cared for) I think she is worried that they may question her ability to look after them.

Dp is still being very quiet, think he is trying but its hard to trust him again. I supose time will tell.

Even if it is her situation that is making her feel depressed that doesnt change the fact that she is down does it. I really feel for you because unless she lets go and lets people who are there help then you are powerless.

As for social services they too busy to sort out the people who don't look after their children. The only way social services can get involved is if they have a referral either from GP HV etc or a member of the public who rings and reports her which i doubt is going to happen, but thinking about it maybe a social worker could speed up the process of the house move.

Wish there was something practical i could do.

Are there any parent and toddler groups around I know you would probably have to help her get there but great friends can be made at these groups and they sometimes can be a life saver.

Kath4kids, RE:dd's housing situation we have been in touch with the local Councillor who is trying his best to help her but for some reason the people in the Allocations Department are not being very co-operative to the point that they have lied to dd, myself and the councillor about one particular property. They told her that the property is a 4 bedroomed house when I know for a fact that it is a 3 bedroomed house because I have been inside it!!! DP is a contractor for the council and his firm does repairs on the empty houses to get them ready for new tennants, he had the keys for this property which would have been perfect for dd and as they keep on telling her that the next suitable house is hers we assumed that it would be given to her. When we mentioned the house to the Allocations Dept they told us that it was a 4 bed. I went and had a good look for this illusive fourth bedroom and it doesn't exist, there wasn't even a dinning room down stairs that you could turn into a fourth bedroom, so it was an out-an-out lie!!!

I will try to get her to a mother and toddler group but it is very difficult to get over to her flat early enough (she lives in the next town and I don't drive so I have to rely on public transport and it costs over £6 round trip each time) I get over as often as I can and if there is anyone I know that is over that way I try to get them to give her a lift over to me so I do see her nearly everyday. dgs is suposed to going back to nursery in Sept but we don't know how we are going to get him there. She needs to move urgently to a house closer to me.

Thank you for thinking of us, I know there is nothing practical you can do (apart from the mountain of ironing and cleaning my bathroom lol... Joke) just knowing I can vent on here does help.

Hopfully in a few months time all of this will seem like a distant bad dream.

Does homestart not run a nursery in your area for mums like your dd. In our area they are picked up by a mini bus and returned again. May be worth a chat to HV think they have to be referred by HV or the like. Our toddlers is in the afternoon check with HV they may have list of local groups.

YOu keep venting if that helps and hugs to you

What do the council say about this illusive 4th bedroom then?

Kath4kids, I don't think there is a mini bus, I'll look into it.

The Council just fobbed dd off saying that it was def a 4 bed and they had offered it to someone else who had need of a 4 bed. I really think that ther is something dodgy going on with it. The Councillor who is helping dd asked the council if he could have the keys to have a look for himself that it was a 4 bed and they wouldn't let him.

DP is in a difficult situation because he is not meant to tell people about the houses that are availabe let alone let people in to look at them, he could have lost the contract, but he is in a good position to let us know when there are more suitable properties availabe and if it happens again that we will go to the newspapers and he will talk to them as an annon builder.

That is so disgusting, why would they lie? I spoke to the homelessness officer the other day about a family who are now homeless with nothing and they said they weren't a priority and even if they ran out of money they still wouldn't be as they should be able to find their own accomodation. This basically is never going to happen as they will never get refrences for various reasons. So what is supposed to happen to people like this? They have a heck of a lot to answer for sometimes thats all i can say.

Hiya.

The Home Start people would organise the transport to a family group if they run one, i certainly used to organise it for people I had come to my group (or more often i'd collect them myself but anyway!). I'd also have taken a family to toehr groups, or that would be well within the remit of a volunteer anyway, exactly the sort of thing we encourage them to do, because we weren't monitoring or anything like that (though I am sure I can understand her perspective), we were trying to find ways for the famillies to build self supportive lives.

Kath4kids- that is so typical I am afraid! I had a young family who were offered accomodation that Mum felt unable to accept (because the man who tried to murder her lived opposite)- that was a refusal nonetheless, so she didn't get a house!. Only dread to think where she is now, as no longer work for HomeStart.

Kath4kids, I sometimes think that they either don't have hearts or they hear so many hard stories of people in trouble that they have grown 'immune' to it.

I'm so angry that they are lying about it, I think that someone in allocations had it 'ear marked' for someone they knew, but that's only my opinion, I might be wrong.

The sad thing in this case is that I have actually got the keys to the house in my home and my dp has got to fit a new kitchen, bathroom, doors etc knowing that it should have gone to dd. Feel tempted to just give her the keys move her in and get her to claim squatters rights. (I wouldn't do it really but.......)

Peachyclair, I'm shocked, they saw that as a refusal I don't know what else to say...

aghhhhh is all i can say. Sometimes we're in a no win situation i think. fancy not seeing that someone who was threatening to murder u lived opposite as not a right to refuse.

Trouble is (and I am sure there are exceptions), Housing IME attracts a lot of admin people, as opposed to the social work types in otht=er jobs, so maybe they're just after the figures adding up- ie was offered, refused, end of problem.

Sayingt hat, I used to know a lovely bloke who was a manager at Weston S-M housing and although he wasn't soft (overtly gay professionals rarely are IME, think they have put up with enough already by the time they get to working age), he wouldn't hurt anyone or cheat them for the world.

Quick up-date,

Kath4Kids you have been praying haven't you. DGD has had another scan and the results are amazing! Where her hip was practically non existant one is growing!

I know this can sometimes happen, but the orthopeadic surgeon was very surprised when he saw the scan. Her hip is still very shallow and she still may need surgery but it is a vast improvement, considering that the ortho said that it was the most severe case he had seen to what it is now its wonderful.

DD is much happier, still no sign of a house for her but even so its such good news.

brill to hear from you squirrel. glad i found this. Was only thinking about you the other day. How you doing? shame there still no house for dd but brill news about granddaughter. Tell you what you are just the uplift i needed. thanks

Kath4kids, why are you thanking me? I told you that we needed a few miracles to happen, well we got one with dgd.

DP has got the keys for another house which would be good for dd, we will have to see if the council tell us is a 7 bed mansion when in fact its only a 3 bed terrace!

Talking of dp he has at last recognised that I am grieving and that it may take some time for me to 'get back to normal' and he is at last being the supportive, careing man that I fell in love with.

excellent news lets just hope things keep on the up for you and we'll just pray she gets this house too shall we.

We all need miracles from time to time. Maybe the last house wasn't the right one for her, could have had bad neighbours or anything i guess.