I am a regular who has namechanged for this.
A couple of weeks ago I got some really bad news.
For the past 10 years I have been working towards a qualification which will enable me to work in my dream job. It has been my sole ambition for about 16 years now to get this qualification and to do this job.
Two weeks ago I found out that through no fault of my own I had lost the placement I need to get the final qualification.
To say I was devastated is really an understatement. My hopes and dreams for the last 16 years have come crashing down around me.
All my friends and family tell me that I will get another placement and not to worry. But there is a very real chance that I will not get the placement. It is ridiculously competative to get one in the first place: only about 1 in 5 people who apply ever succeed.
I am trying to make it happen again, but have to face the facts that it really may not.
I just feel that I am barely coping with this situation. I have loads of RL support, but still feel completely broken. I manage to hold it together most of the time, but then at other times just can't stop crying. I sobbed my way to and from the train station going to and coming back from work the other day.
What is most worrying is that I have been having feelings that I want to hurt myself. Not to badly, but just things like deliberately walking into doorframes, scratching my hand on sharp bushes and stubbing my toe. I know that I can't go down this route, but it seems easier to do it than to stop myself.
I have good days and bad days. On days when I can do something to try to find another placement, I feel ok. On days when there is nothing I can actually do, I am not ok.
I have never had mental heath issues before, except for very recently when I was put onto a different brand of the pill and I got severe PMT- for a couple of days each month I had a horrendous, overwhelming feeling of loathing for myself and for everything else. It was difficult for me to get out of bed, let alone interact with anyone else. Whilst this was easily sorted out by changing my pill again, it does kind of make me worried that it is within me to suffer real mental health problems.
I am just so worried that if I don't get another placement, how will I cope? How will I deal with these feelings?
Please help.