My life is falling to pieces but I've cleaned the bathroom.

[BananaPudding]

After ten years of marriage dh has decided he is "not happy" but cannot explain why. I cant decide if I hate him or am grateful because truthfully, I've been dreadfully unhappy too. We've both been trying to fake it and it hasnt worked. I am incredibly angry however, because he told me he's felt this way for four years, which means he wanted to leave me before I agreed to move to farking Texas, a place I never wanted to be. I left a fabulous job, my family, church, friends. And now I'm in Texas. Fucking fabulous. DD is establish in school here and has loads of friends. I do have two very dear friends here, I've never had friends this close before. If I didn't have these two women to lean on I don't know how I would function. So I am thankful for that.

I've put this in mental health because I've been terribly depressed for years. I know I need medication, but my insurance will not cover treatment or prescriptions as its a "pre-existing condition". I live in the US so no NHS for me. ObamaCare Has passed but is in the distant future. I am sure my depressed state for so long is a major factor in this current situation. One symptom is the state of my house. It's worse than some you'd see on television. It's a health hazard. I just spent an hour sorting the bathroom. I am horrified at how bad it was but it's done. I feel a little bit better and a little stronger actually. Who knew cleaning the toilet would do that?

I'm going to keep going. I am horribly overweight(another factor, probably) and doing the bathroom wiped me out. But tomorrow, the kitchen! Having a decent house will hopefully act as an antidepressant. When I've gotten it to a state I will allow others to see (still horrific to most I'm sure) I'll let me friend come help me. She's been asking to do it. She's a Monica if I ever met one.

Let him leave. I will have a fabulous life on my own. I'm sad and I cry about it. But fuck it. I'm not wasting anymore time with someone who doesn't love me.

I don't know what if any response I expect to this. I wrote it more for myself than anything, I think.

Banana,sometimes writing all of this stuff down is cathartic and a good way to start.Last night,drunk and depressed,i wrote myself a very long letter.But it crystallises things.I am in a slightly different boat as my dp died recently but doing all of these things are healing in some ways.Good for you you tackled the bathroom!Have you seen the flylady threads on mn maybe these will help.Yes don't waste anymore time on this fella(I know i know easier said tahn done when you love someone).But the fact you are taking small steps is a Good Thing believe me.you will get there.It is going to be a long road with ups and downs but stay strong.Am nowhere near sleeping so if you need chat and distraction will be around xx

Am so sorry this is happening to you.

Get your friend over to help, the difference having a clean and tidy house makes is unreal (I would never have believed it before I actually tried it)
At the moment mine resembles the friends episode with the really messy girl Ross dates, So I should really take my own advice huh?

I hope things improve for you soon and if both you and your DH are unhappy maybe a break is for the best?

ps re tidying.I have been in limbo for 3 years while dp was ill.I just couldnt face tackling the clutter.mY DM came over and we have decluttered some stuff and I feel a little sad yet a little liberated and better.Get your Monica to come and help.You WILL feel better xx

Thank you ladies. I'm surprised at how good it feels to have let it out of the box! I'm going to keep posting. It seems to help.

Gazza, I'm so sorry about your dh. That's terribly sad

Oh don't worry about that.tbh i am sick of people saying they are sorry (no disrespect to you)

I am still me but just minus him iykwim,as are others,bereavede,divorced,separated or whatever.

Sometimes having an online rant just helps

but yes,letting the emotional stuff go,it feels good in some ways.

Are you American then,or an expat?

A lot ofpeople seem to think i should move back to near my very lovely parents but as you say re your dc both of my dcs are really settled in school so not an option to uproot them atm as they are both happy where we are,and they haev had enough upheavel of late.

I can understand that.

I am American, but not Texan. Texan is a whole different thing.

My mother wants me to move home to Seattle, but tbh I don't know if I can handle living with her at the moment. I love her but she drives me nuts and life is hard enough right now. Plus, I don't want to uproot dd. And really, I don't want to move her that far from her daddy. They have a fabulous relationship and it would hurt them both horribly. I cannot imagine dh taking her 2000 miles away from me. I feel like I can't/won't do it to him either.

no idea re Texas,is it a North/South thing?Wasn;t GB a Texan,lol

In England the North is the less affluent part and the South the richer part.I am in the North hence the more "Hick from the sticks" mentality.People generally friendly yet where i live still somewhat an otusider having a "posh" accent as am originally a Southerner and dp parents not really understanding me.People generally friendly yet somewhat insular.dcs so happy here tho.Also couldn't contemplate living with dm atm.Lovely though she is it would be a total nightmare!

Oh yes, GB is a Texan. Not all texans are like him though! Its funny, for the most part its not a posh vs hick type of difference. It's hard to explain. It's just that you are a Texan or you aren't. Although after a time, you can adopt the Texan-ness no matter where you're from. It's all about how much you love Texas.

Me, I love rainy, green, sea-smelling Seattle.

Stupid dh came home from work (havent worked out the particulars yet, its early days and I'm not going to kick him out with nowhere to go) and has barely spoken to me. Twunt. Such a perfect word.