What to do?

[Em1705]

Hi all,

Last month we found out I was pregnant and we was both quite excited. We decided to pay for an early scan, so at the beginning of this week we had our scan and found out its twins. We also have a 15 month old. My partner is taking the news pretty hard and is saying that he didn't want twins but he'll just have to deal with it. He's saying its going to be hell with the twins and the toddler and that he doesnt want his life to be over run with kids.

Ive told him that, that won't be the case and its not going to be as bad as he thinks (trying to be positive)

Its understandable that hes going to be going through all these emotions. I just dont know what else I can do. As his attitude is slowly starting to have a negative effect on me.

Has anyone been in this position or have any advice? Thank you

It was a pregnancy you were happy with, so please don't let him bring you down. You say partner, so make sure that you don't give up work, as that leaves him with all the money, pensions etc and you with none. I'm not sure there is much you can do about his feelings, you are not responsible for them.

I don't think he's being unreasonable in his reaction, but there does need to be a point where he draws a line under it.

Since it sounds like you're happy to proceed with the pregnancy, I'd try for a good conversation where you don't try and change his mind and he doesn't try to change yours - just get the feelings out in the table. Accept them, and try to move on from them.

Then look to the practicalities - finances, care, support etc.

Twins with a toddler WILL be hugely challenging, no doubt about it. Not in a "you won't survive it" way, but not in a "stick your head in the sand and it'll be fine" way. So you both need to give yourselves a little shake and deal with it rather than stick to your positions and feel like the other one is ignoring you.

I think you need to acknowledge that it will be hard, you sound a bit 'head in the sand'. I have a 18 month old and even the idea of another baby is terrifying. You both chose another pregnancy and twins is always a risk. I think you need to let him process it and not just be blindly positive.

It’s not even been a week, going from one child to three is going to be a challenge however you dress it up. Give him time to process the news, and give yourself time too. You can be both happy and daunted, scared and excited - his reaction sounds fairly normal tbh. I’d echo having some honest conversations about how you both feel - not to try and persuade each other but to hear your honest feelings and to support each other.

There are a lot of practicalities to think about - do you have enough room for 3, how are your finances, could he be worrying about being able to financially support a larger family than you both planned. It’s very exciting, of course, and very scary - or it would be for me.

I had 2 children with only 10.5 months in-between and it was sheer hell. His reaction is pretty normal, I'd say as I would have these worries too. Finances would also be a huge concern of mine. Going from just the 2 of you into a family of 5 in a few years is quite a change. Hopefully if you want to go ahead, he will settle down soon.

His concerns are valid and he’s trying to think practically, maybe he can try and talk it through with someone else though.

I think twins would be awesome but obviously hard work. However, your already still in the nappy, sleepless nights, world evolves around kids phase so hopefully it will be easier having them all now and as you get older lovely bond for the kids.
Good luck with the pregnancy.

Congrats on the pregnancy 💙💕

I think you will need to be quite blunt with him and explain yeah it will be hard but tough 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s either in or out

Twin mummy here just wanting to say congratualtions!

I can remember finding out our baby number 3 was going to be twins and we were terrified. The finances, needing a bigger house and car were our immediate concerns, but is not as hard as you think it is going to be and you will be fine.

We had a just turned 7 year old and a just turned 3 year old when our twins were born. It was beautiful chaos for about a year but definitely not as hard or as expensive as I had thought it was going to be. I found going from 1 to 2 kids harder than going from 2 to 4 and my friend who already had 4 said to me it doesn't matter how many kids you have after 2, the hard bit is the juggling of their needs and whether that is 2, 3 or 8 kids it's much the same.

Having twins was the best thing that could have happened to me. I feel so fulfilled and enjoy life so much more than I did before I had them. They have their moments but they are an absolute blessing. I hope your partner will come to feel like this too.

Sorry not the same position to advice but to be completely honest with you we have a 1,3 & 5 years old and it’s hell. We love them so so much but it’s sooo hard! We were and still are super chilled parents but cannot wait for them to be a bit older.

Not in the same position but my two were 11 months apart. Single parent and second was not planned. My life was a whirlwind of double everything for a few years and I wondered if I’d ever cope but I did. They are now 23 and 22 and are a complete blessing.

I would feel exactly like your DH - just completely overwhelmed and scared.

But I would get over it and I’m sure he will too.

I actually love twins but would probably faint if the doctor told me it was twins.

You’ll both find a way to cope and many people prefer to have babies close together to get the stages done at a similar time.
I think people are crazy when they have a child and then do it all again 10 years later.

I think it’s wonderful news. It’s all about mindset IMO. I have a 0,2 and 5 yo. It’s chaos but I love it and try to savour it all. Even the exhausting days. My husband is more negative like yours.

i would look on the larger families board and also thr multiples board as people with twins and triplets will give you tons of advice

It’s normal for him to feel apprehensive but you both still have plenty of time to process this and for him to hopefully come to terms with the reality of parenting a toddler and two babies! Unless you think he is suggesting you end the pregnancy? If you are happy to proceed, and it sounds like you are, then he will just have to deal with it.
It’s not your job to give him reasons why it will be ok or to to try to absorb his worries and serve it up in a way to make it seem more manageable. Because what this often means is the mother already becoming the default parent and it’s is they who will ‘manage’ it all so that the other parent can cope. He needn’t be given a reason to start thinking it will be ok cos you’ll do most of it! He needs to know you will both have to be all in. You’ve got time to discuss the practicalities.

Don't get an abortion, you will regret it for the rest of you life like I do.

I am so sorry, but the fact that you regret it doesn't mean that another person will.

If you're not bothered on the same page then you need to think how to cope as a single parent as that is a likely outcome

While it's great news, congratulations! - there was probably little point in telling him "that won't be the case" when he worried that you'll be overrun with kids - because he is right.

However, he was the one happy to have unprotected sex with you, so what did he expect, exactly? There is always a chance that it's going to be twins, so if he didn't want any more kids, he should have discussed contraception.

Way back in the 80s my aunt had twins when she already had a 4 and a 6 year old. I remember their house (overseas) was always happy chaos. They all now look after her in her old age!

Might be time to have a hard word and tell him to buck up his ideas. You both went into this with eyes wide open, this was always a risk. If he's not on board and wants to split up you need to know now.

It's hard to know from your post whether you have definitely decided to go ahead with the pregnancy or are considering a termination?

Choices can offer a one-off conversation to help you work through the options (termination or going ahead), with both of you present.

choicescharity.org/unplanned-pregnancy

You could also contact Twins Trust and speak to a trained volunteer

https://twinstrust.org/supporting-you/helpline.html

Couples counselling could also be really helpful in providing a safe space for the two of you to communicate effectively. You can find qualified counsellors here

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/adv-search.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling

If she gets an abortion it will have been more or less forced on her by her partner. That's not the same as wanting one yourself. So the other poster is correct IMO.

Congratulations! It’s a huge adjustment expecting two babies when he’d thought you’d have one.

Give each other space & keep your own joy. It’s work but my twins have a beautiful bond and we love having three.

Shut. Up. You do NOT speak for everyone.

Please consider getting married, if all this means you will be the one to give up your career and earning power

Both your feelings are valid. You should enjoy and be excited.

Taking a step back and considering the practicalities, is going from 1 > 3 financially viable if you’re together AND if you end up separating? If he really doesn’t want three children, that is the possible outcome once reality sets in? Have you focussed on the practicalities together? You should do this once emotions have calmed slightly.

Congratulations!

It is certainly going to be a big challenge. I can see why he's voicing his anxiety on it.
Thinking about actual practical things, could you sit down and talk through some of the more concerning aspects and come up with some hopeful solutions? It will be tough so no point sugar coating it. But it's happening now so you both just need to try and be as prepared as possible!

Wishing you and the babies the best x