What to do?

[Em1705]

Hi all,

Last month we found out I was pregnant and we was both quite excited. We decided to pay for an early scan, so at the beginning of this week we had our scan and found out its twins. We also have a 15 month old. My partner is taking the news pretty hard and is saying that he didn't want twins but he'll just have to deal with it. He's saying its going to be hell with the twins and the toddler and that he doesnt want his life to be over run with kids.

Ive told him that, that won't be the case and its not going to be as bad as he thinks (trying to be positive)

Its understandable that hes going to be going through all these emotions. I just dont know what else I can do. As his attitude is slowly starting to have a negative effect on me.

Has anyone been in this position or have any advice? Thank you

my comment stands

It will be hard for a bit, but then you'll have three kids at very similar ages and so everything is easier than having them all spread out. Acknowledge his worries and think them through together.
You'll have a 2yr old and newborn twins. Can you take a full year maternity leave?
Then you'll have a 3yo and two 1yos - childminder is definitely the cheapest option if you need to return to work. Do the sums.
Two years after the birth, your eldest goes to school.
Two years after that they're all in primary school together. Life gets a lot easier again :)

Well, as Judge Judy would say, he's a keeper, isn't he? Start making plans now for life as a single mum. He's not going to be supportive and will be a drain on your energy with his selfish, immature attitude. You don't need a Man Child when you have little ones to think of. Put your kids and yourself first.

It hard but its not forever. No twins but I had 3 under 3, my useless piece of crap DH left so I had to do it solo. I wont pretend ut was a bed of roses but once they got into nursery/school it was a whole lot easier. They are all in their 30s with their own families now so we survived 🥰
I wish you well OP, whatever road you choose x

Twin mum here, don’t panic!

My other half went white, then didn’t talk to anyone for a week and then decided to smash the back of the house because we would need a bigger kitchen 😂 Have some time to process it, I think after a few weeks we both came around and it’s all been ok. We already had a toddler at the time and I think the biggest life impact was no kids to kids, not one kid to three as our lives were pretty much the same but just with more kids 🤷🏼‍♀️

What he is like as a parent now will tell you everything you need to know, rather than his current reaction/shock.

I had 3 children under the age of two. Twins came when my eldest was 19 months

Be organised, with a good routine and you will get by.

They are awesome and it's great that they go through things at the Same time

All children are a blessing

Congratulations!! Wonderful news to have twins coming.
it’s only been a week since you found out so your husband is probably in shock still.
however he will know deep down that if you do the deed you must be prepared for consequences like pregnancy

I’ve three children myself and I’ve zero regrets (no multiples though) I’ve pals who’ve had twins and they’re lovely families full of chaos and love.

I would chat with your husband and acknowledge that it will be hard for you both with three children under 2 but you can get through it together.

Honestly I think you both need to time to come to terms with it. Is exciting but also scary. Just give it some time and have gentle discussions to express feelings. Of course it’s going to be scary and overwhelming. But maybe discuss vasectomies? Do you know you are done after this? That could give him an element of control even if he decides against it.

Tell him his complaining if impacting you and he needs to look elsewhere to have a moan. You don't need to be taking on his emotions when you're pregnant. Getting pregnant with multiples is always a possibility when trying to conceive. It is what it is, and besides from termination, which I don't get any indication from your post that you want that, there isn't anything you can do.

I've had a few kids myself so I would like to say that even though, I imagine, it's difficult, getting some practical help , daily from outside , will help....to pay for a couple of hours cleaning etc. PRACTICAL help goes a long way to bring emotional relief. Also in a lot of ways: TWINS ARE EASIER than singletons because there's no need to go outside for a perfect playmate, and they amuse each other. Try to join local Mothers Groups or Twins groups for excuses to get out the house.

I think a reasonably large number of men/ non pregnant partner, feel that way, when they are faced with an “unexpected” addition. That can be an unplanned pregnancy or a multiple. Many of them will almost go into shock, and then rally once they’ve got their heads around it. I also think that women, with their pregnant hormones raging, can be a bit casual, with an “it’ll be fine”. There ARE considerations to take into account. Realistically, three car seats won’t fit into the back of many cars. You will need a double buggy, that will also allow you to carry/ push a 3rd child, at times. You should consider your own financial independent in the future; a career break, for how long? My personal advice would be to keep working, in SOME capacity, for as long as possible, and return after your maternity leave, even if it’s only part time, but keep a pension etc going. I’m very much of a “it’ll be fine” person, everything tends to work out in the end, but don’t underestimate that it can and WILL be hard for a while. And looking forward, I wouldn’t rush into a vasectomy (which wouldn’t surprise me) but look at reliable, long term contraception, for a while.
Congratulations OP. I second the poster who said not to let him pressure you into a termination. If you look at the cold hard facts, and decide that that is best for your family, no one can tell you otherwise; but if you let HIS reservations override what YOU want to do, then you WILL regret that. Give him time, and be prepared to listen to him, with an open mind. Good luck.

The last paragraph here is excellent advice.

I was in this position and I probably felt similarly to your husband, initially. What I found hard was that I couldn’t vocalise that, as everyone either said “ooh how exciting” or “haha you’ll be busy”. My advice therefore would be to really listen to him, and talk through things you could do together to help with some of those worries. Things like PPs have suggested…car choices, home changes, childcare plans. Once you’ve worked out tangible steps you can both take, he might feel a little better and more in control.

Wishing you lots of luck, it is really hard but it’s very special. One thing someone said that always stuck with me is “the novelty never wears off” and that’s so true 💕

Mum of singleton followed by twins here. 🙋🏽‍♀️

You’ll be fine. I found the first SO much harder than my twins. I would say you need to be really organised and have a good routine from the get-go.

life is BUSY but mine are toddlers now and it is the most gorgeous thing in the world seeing them giggling away at their own little private jokes and hugging each other when one of them is sad

Where are you based? i would recommend finding your local twin community ; ours has been a real source of advice , support and friendship!

ps don’t take advice from anyone with a small gap between two singletons. It is NOT the same!

Mum of twins and a toddler here too! We found out we were having twins when DS was just about to turn 2! Our twins were born 9 weeks early so that was a bit of chaos dividing time between home and hospital as they were in the NICU but once we were home we just made sure we had a routine and stuck to it as much as possible! They are 6 months old now and sleeping through the night so that has made things easier. It is hard but at the same time so lovely to see all of them together and each week it gets that little bit easier

Your 15 month old will
be 2 1:2 hopefully routine and toilet trained by the time baby is here. Don’t list the the constant it will be hell. Not the same but we had 3 kids within 4 years or less and I can’t remember any of it being hell as someone suggested. Yes he is adjusting to the news but so are you. So he needs to vent elsewhere and not have you panicked. Yes it will be tough , try plan in help if possible and not dread the impending. Not everyone has the same experience, I was told 3 kids so quickly would have been hell and we loved it. Youngest is 8 now

What a lovely post honest and with hope. Op good luck

We have a 1 and 5 year old and can't imagine throwing a 3rd into the mix, so we'll done!

OP - From what I know of others who have twins, it is very hard to start with - balancing having 2 babies but also an older kid will be hard. However, when they start playing together it will be SO much easier as they will play together, plus your oldest isn't much older, so you can do the same activities with all 3. I can tell you that 1 and 5 year olds have very different needs

Exactly! In my experience, it gets easier once they turn three. My 3- and 5-year-olds can disappear into the playroom for hours. The challenge for us is having a younger one who wants to keep up, but for you it will be the opposite since your two younger ones are the same age. My view in life is that we only have one life to live, so let’s make the most of it. OP, it will definitely be a journey—but have fun!