To go for the third child or stick with two….

[CBC123]

I cannot stop thinking about it. It’s taking over my life! I am 37. I have two wonderful children. Ones 7 and one is 5. I work part time. My husband is the main earner and we live a comfortable life.

I keep thinking I will regret not having a third but am terrified. Am I too old? My husband ideally does not want another… he is happy to start moving into the next stage of life of ‘older’ kids and getting more time back… I’m just so so worried we will regret it… before we know it they will be teenagers and we both LOVE the younger ages (albeit newborn not to much because of sleep etc)… and I know no one can say what to do but your experiences of how you made the decision or what your thought process was would be amazing.

I’ve always loved the idea of a larger family, prolonging the older kids childhoods, I’m a very present mum who is lucky to work a very small little job and be there for everything . My parents are young and very present. We have lots of friends locally with lots of kids of different ages…. So we will have support. I think my husband could be swayed but yeah….. I’m also worried my hormones are all over the place and peri is round the corner making me feel like this!!! Am I too old??? What would happen if the kids didn’t bond?? Would they feel left out?? Help!!

This is very much a brain dump so thank you for reading!!

I felt like this for a while after my second child. I have one of each but kept all the baby stuff just incase. My youngest didn’t sleep through the night until age 3 and then life was getting easier as out of nappies, out of buggy etc that I realised I didn’t want to jinx it by trying for another! Also we have a 3 bed house so both kids have their own room and they both get on with each other!

Prolong the older kids childhoods? What tosh. You will be torn trying to find suitable activities to do with a 2 yr old, a 7yr old and a 9yr old. Worse still, ages 5,10 and 12. You can’t stop the two you have from growing up. I am with your DH in that having babies is a stage in life and you should be embracing the next stage and enjoying it. Also, you will be turning your younger one into the middle one. Never a good place to be.

Haha I appreciate the honesty - thank you!! I’m annoying myself!! And you’re right it probably is tosh…. I struggle with change and moving on.. I love their ages now and feel sick that in 5 years/10 years life will be so different… I hadn’t thought about the activities and interests that is so true…. I josh worry in 10 years fine when they don’t want to hang out with us and all the childhood things are over I would be thinking if only we had one more…… but thank you for your insight I’m super appreciative

I’m 37 and my third is now 8 months old. From my perspective, three is brilliant and I haven’t yet regretted it.

However, I think a third is off the cards if your partner isn’t on board? We have always wanted four children but husband is now keen to stop at three and I will sadly have to accept that.

The other thing that might put me off in your situation would be the age gap. It might be fine, but I’d worry your two older ones are obviously close in age and a third child might be on their own a bit? But I might just be projecting as mine were there under four!

I was the same as @Koptop- I wanted 3, I had 3, but close together. 3 under four is a wild ride but just brilliant because they went through each stage together. No way would I have embarked on a third with your age gaps… even if you fell pregnant straight away, you’d have 8 and 6 year gaps. When your youngest would be starting school, your eldest would be in secondary school and entering the teenage years and the other would be top juniors.

the other thing is that my dh was fully on board. He wanted 3 as much as I did.

it seems clear your dh feels the family is complete. To say your husband ‘could be swayed’ doesn’t bode well. Bringing another child into existence shouldn’t be about needing to persuade your partner. If he’s not fully committed to another child then I’d forget that notion

I have 3 and it's hard enough having a toddler with an 8 year old let alone a tiny baby. Maybe I'm just knackered from already having 3 but I just couldn't be bothered with the faff of juggling all the different needs.

Thanks for your honesty, definitely making me question… I think in my head because they are at school I would have more time, and they adore babies and younger kids… my husband has gone from no to yes to no to yes to no…. Hence why I just want us to be 100% certain as I would hate to look back in 5 years and think if only…. When you have slightly older children you know everything will get easier. Everything is a phase. But yes I do need tk live in the moment and be so grateful for what we have - which I am. It would change life so much…. I just have to accept it. Thank you everything you’ve given me so much to think about… shame there’s not more positives though haha

@CBC123 I would suggest just consider all eventualities and prioritise your existing children.

Can you absorb the stretch the 3rd would bring? What if the 3rd child is SEN?

I decided to go for a 3rd, had my 12 week scan last week and discovered I'm also carrying my 4th (i.e. twins). Very tough pill to swallow. Rare, but could you handle that?

Prepare for the unknown. Pressing the reset button has it's benefits, but isn't absent of risks/challenges.

Hi! I’m due in march, my boys are 7 and 4, and are very excited. I would have had closer together but nature had other ideas. Both are now in school so I think the morning will be stressful but then the day will just be and baby!
I’m older than you aswell. I always wanted 3, and after a horrible long journey of pregnancy’s I’ll be over the moon when here and then happily know that’s it, and can’t start to give away all the baby things after i could never do it before, only you know how you feel . xx

Someone once told me, it's not that you want another baby, you just feel sad that your babies are past that stage and it's so true!
Honestly OP i wouldn't. It won't keep your older 2 young for longer, it'll make them grow up faster. I'm the eldest of 3, next sibling is just under 2 years younger then a 5 year gap, i don't think it was good. We resented the youngest, it felt like our parents had no time for us anymore, baby was spoilt etc etc which looking back now it really wasn't that way but as a 7 year old that's how it felt. Our youngest sibling also speaks of how they always felt left out and almost like they had a different childhood because the 2 of us were close and he was quite a gap younger. He's had children of his own now and deliberatly had 2 fairly close together and stopped at that.

I posted this question when my two kids were 4 and 6 (I was 38) and mumsnet told me absolutely not. I am so glad I didn't listen as around 11 months later I delivered my youngest, who has been an absolute blessing and source of immense joy. My kids are now 4, 8 and 10 and I never once regretted going for the third.

We stopped at two but my other half and I both now wish we'd had more. If we could wake up tomorrow with a newborn we would!

Three if you don’t work is fine. If you need to work it’s not fine. It’s very difficult. Holidays get expensive and cars. Your existing dc don’t get the time they deserve and might even resent a baby keeping them awake. I’d stick at being happy with what you have.

I posted this exact thing! We went for it and she's a gorgeous 11 month old now. Kids are 7 and 4 are smitten - she's part of the gang already. I'm exhausted and it's been a hard year for lots of reasons but the baby isn't one of those. She's the light of all our lives!

gah it’s just such a huge decision. I read somewhere that said - what do you want your dinner table to look like in 5/10/15 years… I’ve always thought a bigger family would be really special. Also I’ve lost my grandparents and have seen my parents who have 3/4 siblings each have more support - aware this isn’t always the case and probably a weird thing to think about!! And I had considered what if there are health issues…. My husband has a very stressful job and works long hours however I don’t need to work … but yes it could just be too much. I would hate for my children to feel they aren’t enough and not have as much time for them….. but they keep asking for a brother or sister which makes me question everything again!! I think if my husband was on board it would be different but I think I may just have to accept our families complete… it’s just hard to accept the finality, and there will be no going back in a year or so.

ignore your kids asking for a brother or sister. they were probably asking for chocokate for breakfast not so long ago!

your hormones will be wantimg you to breed so thats definitely in the mix. but you have two kids already so there is no need. there are too many people in the world as it is.

if anything happens to your husbands health in his stressful job what happens then? or if he left you? Or got made redundant? how would your finances be then?

i’d suggest hes worked hard to provide you with the lifestyle you wanted and now it’s his turn to get what he wants. i imagine it’s you who raises the subject as he doesn't really seem to want a third so i’d suggest if he could cut back his hours in his long work days and you could soend more time together wirh the kids you have that would be a better change than an extra baby.

SEN needs can be overwhelming. you really don’t need that. the kids you have will get much less time with you and you may have to give up your job. that would affect you all in your comfortable lifestyle as it will all be changed around the needs of the sen child.

if you love babies go work with them instead of having more? that way you can hand them back when it’s time to see your own kids. i know thats a simplistic view however some people just love babies so if you are one of them it could make sense if the hours suited, either paid or voluntary.

Babies have needs that are easily satisfied. Come the logistics of after school clubs, holidays and managing 3 with dh working hard, it’s another matter. Children don’t decide on family size surely? I’d also be worried about SRN if no issues with 2. Be happy with them.

I’m a third. I hate it. Mum definitely should have stopped at 2.

I think it really depends on what support you have and financial situation. We decided to stop at 2 because we didn’t think we had the resources (including time/emotional) for another. But other people may well feel they could manage a third/fourth easily. There is no right answer. Only the right answer for you. My OH wanted another child so we took a long time to make the final decision (7+ years!). But have now made permanent the decision not to go for a third.

I have 3 and couldn't recommend it more. Having a third finally turned me into a relaxed mum and made me capable of actually enjoying parenting! Of course having 2 is easier, just like having one is easier than 2. The fundamental question is, do you both want a 3rd? Because if your husband isn't on board, that kind of puts an end to the idea!

We had three. It's insane. We keep thinking about four but prob can't because of school fees and money.

I was undecided at 37, at 39 im so glad I dont have a toddler. My kids are 6/7 and it's AMAZING now they are more mature/"sophisticated", im 40 next year and cant think of anything worse than still doing nappies etc

I had my third with sameage difference. Absolutely no regrets,cannot imagine our family without number 3 .
All have been close throughout childhood and get on brilliantly as adults despite very different personalities.
Youngest in Oz visiting his older brother as I speak .

God no. Stopped at two sooooo glad we did. It’s not the first 10 years that are the issue.

Teens are extremely expensive and emotionally demanding - even nice easy ones. Cannot imagine doing this a third time in perimenopause. Friends my age with 3 are well over it and jokingly say what the hell were we thinking.

Then when they are adults and have their own families there are too many of them to host all at once. So ironically smaller families it’s easier to be closer to.

We have three and I absolutely love it. Very aware the teen years could be challenging but that seems pot luck in terms of the personalities/scenarios you find yourself in. Agree with a previous poster that we weirdly feel more relaxed as parents of three than we did with two. I think if you’re feeling this strongly you’ll regret not doing it you should do it (if you can give all the kids the resources/time they’ll need).