To go for the third child or stick with two….

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I cannot stop thinking about it. It’s taking over my life! I am 37. I have two wonderful children. Ones 7 and one is 5. I work part time. My husband is the main earner and we live a comfortable life.

I keep thinking I will regret not having a third but am terrified. Am I too old? My husband ideally does not want another… he is happy to start moving into the next stage of life of ‘older’ kids and getting more time back… I’m just so so worried we will regret it… before we know it they will be teenagers and we both LOVE the younger ages (albeit newborn not to much because of sleep etc)… and I know no one can say what to do but your experiences of how you made the decision or what your thought process was would be amazing.

I’ve always loved the idea of a larger family, prolonging the older kids childhoods, I’m a very present mum who is lucky to work a very small little job and be there for everything . My parents are young and very present. We have lots of friends locally with lots of kids of different ages…. So we will have support. I think my husband could be swayed but yeah….. I’m also worried my hormones are all over the place and peri is round the corner making me feel like this!!! Am I too old??? What would happen if the kids didn’t bond?? Would they feel left out?? Help!!

This is very much a brain dump so thank you for reading!!

@hotchocfiend You are more relaxed because you drop standards. Dc don’t get as much input because you cannot give it. Grandparents can take up the slack if available but I’ve seen parents of large families always wanting a lift from other families because they cannot work the logistics of child 1 and 3 getting to events and clubs. Others get roped in. Or if family is rich they get a home help doing school runs and housework!

If parents try to do everything they usually rope in eldest child if a girl as unpaid help. I rarely see this in a family of two but with more it’s usual. They have to collect siblings from school and have home duties the baby never gets given. Some dc don’t care but others are resentful. I’d be very careful because when teens the dc might resent the little one. I’ve seen this too and little one annoys them a lot.

I’m sure this happens in some cases, but it’s really fetching to suggest that all families with 3+ children are automatically doing a substandard job of raising them.

@Koptop I did not say sub standard. I said certain standards are lowered. Not to below base line care! Holidays, are a common one. 5 is more difficult than 4. Getting to activities without other dc inconvenienced is always an issue. Older dc mucking in is another. It’s not awful but with 2 older dc near to each other in age, it’s not necessary and not expected. Older dc most likely to become an additional pair of hands. If you pay for help, it’s avoided but I’ve seen many cases where dc don’t entirely get full attention or needs met. It’s just something to be aware of. Very much an issue if baby has health issues.

Stop at two! 🤣
I wanted two but my second turned into twins. Three is tough going.

DH and I made the decision to stick at two due to the logistical costs of three - bigger car, bigger house, more expensive holidays, etc. Found out I was pregnant with DC3 that month. He’s the most wonderful addition to our family so no regrets but we weren’t wrong about the extra costs. Plus, DC1 is nearly 12 and DC3 is nearly 2 with DC2 5 in the middle. Finding things they can all enjoy is definitely a challenge.

I get the occasional twinge that I won’t get to do the pregnancy/newborn/baby thing again and then I remind myself that my third pregnancy was so much harder than my first two (I was 29) and the toddler stage is such hard work and the feelings pass again!

Remember turning up at an activity as a family on holiday when ours were mid primary. We all four did the activity as a family it was a real laugh and girls still talk about it.

The other family doing the activity had two kids the same age as ours but also a baby. The mum was totally taken up with the baby. She obviously didn’t take part in the activity. Dad did it with the older two in silence.

This would have happened over and over again. Yes not the “end of the world” but confirmed to me how glad we were we stuck at 2 for our twos quality of life. And that’s before paying for university 3 times. And I’m one of 3 myself.

We have zero family or paid for support in terms of childcare but we make it work and all my children are happier for having each other in their lives. My eldest DD7 is hardly doing the school runs for me!! Activities wise my older two do two activities each a week and DS does an additional on Saturdays. Holiday wise, in this last year (baby 11 months) we've had three UK breaks and two overseas. I certainly don't think my kids are missing out because they have a baby sister. They adore her and each other and we adore the three of them.

Both of the older ones have had two one-to-one 'yes' days in the last year and regular one-to-one time each week. We prioritise this and yes, we are knackered, but my children know how important they each are to us and we have not dropped our standards of parenting! How insulting to suggest as much.

I have dropped some of the weight of societal expectations and haven't had as much time for myself as I would have if we'd not had DD but that is the same for any baby.

Seem to be mostly negative responses here, I just wanted to say I had our 3rd at 39 and our 4th at 42 (surprise baby 😳♥️) Yes it is a big change whenever you add another child to the family and a LOT of work whether it’s your first or tenth! So it doesn’t exactly get easier but I got more relaxed in some ways and I love having a big family so much.

I think you’re right in that having younger siblings can allow their childhood to slow down a bit as our 14 year old, though old for her years still plays games with the little ones. (Youngest is 3) I have to say if you have support around you and your partner is on board I’d recommend it, (we don’t have nearby family support and that is tough, but we knew that when we decided) Good luck whatever conclusion you come to.