Am I being unreasonable? (May be upsetting for some)

Alfie1222 · 2025-10-27T23:36:24+00:00

My husband and I have just found out I am pregnant for the fourth time. We already have two children and our third pregnancy was unplanned, which resulted in a medical termination. We both agreed this was the most responsible thing to do, as neither of us wanted anymore children. That abortion happened 5 years ago and broke my heart. I was lucky enough to catch the pregnancy early and took the abortion pill as soon as I could. I have been on and off the contraceptive pill from the age of 15 and have tired countless brands over the years. The combined pill caused havoc with my mood, weight and libido so the mini pill was my safest option. This also caused unwanted symptoms and my libido was non exist. I put up with this for four years, before finally coming off the pill last year and feeling like a new woman. My husband said he would get the snip but still hasn’t. After seeing that faint positive line on the pregnancy test, after trying to be so careful and my husband complaining about wearing condoms, I am beyond angry with myself. I have exploded at him tonight and told him he is a selfish coward, who will not be getting sex until he takes some responsibility. I feel awful saying these things and I know I cannot force him to have a surgical procedure, but I now have to put more hormones into my body to end a pregnancy that could of been prevented if he had been man enough (or woman enough) to have the snip. I am so upset and angry with myself for being in this situation again.

AnyOtherBrightIdeas · 27/10/2025 23:38

I’d be bloody furious in your position too. You’ve birthed two babies and will now have gone through two terminations, and this prince won’t even have a day procedure.

Original poster

Alfie1222 · 27/10/2025 23:42

Thank you for replying, I am just devastated to be in this situation again and feel so bloody stupid!!!

OP posts:

MumChp · 27/10/2025 23:50

No more sex before he does the snip.

Original poster

Alfie1222 · 27/10/2025 23:53

MumChp · 27/10/2025 23:50

No more sex before he does the snip.

Yep! I am done!

OP posts:

LemonTreeGrove · 27/10/2025 23:58

When you say he complained about wearing condoms, did he actually wear them or not bother? Awful if he didn't.

Original poster

Alfie1222 · 28/10/2025 00:01

He would try to and then take them off. I allowed this, so I am a stupid woman for allowing this. I was tracking my menstrual cycle and avoiding ovulation, but this obviously failed. I am so upset with myself.

OP posts:

LeftBoobGoneRogue · 28/10/2025 00:10

AnyOtherBrightIdeas · 27/10/2025 23:38

I’d be bloody furious in your position too. You’ve birthed two babies and will now have gone through two terminations, and this prince won’t even have a day procedure.

Also he complains about wearing a condom.

Ponderingwindow · 28/10/2025 00:24

Your response is rational. You have done enough with your body. You shouldn’t have to do any more or risk another pregnancy. Sex may simply no longer be worth the risk for you as it would not be for many women.

A vasectomy has risks, but it isn’t riskier than a pregnancy, an abortion, or birth control pills. you have taken those risks again and again.

him no caring enough about you is a libido killer.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 28/10/2025 00:26

This pregnancy is both your fault, and you can’t force him to have a medical procedure anymore than he can force you to have another abortion. You chose to have unprotected sex and that’s on both of you. I’d be frustrated at him too but there is no point tearing him apart over a mistake you both made.

Mammyloveswine · 28/10/2025 00:29

I had similar, no longer with husband and I have the coil

ktopfwcv · 28/10/2025 00:39

It's the responsibility of both of you.
If he won't wear condoms then it needs to stop.
Have you considered sterilisation?

Original poster

Alfie1222 · 28/10/2025 00:40

ToKittyornottoKitty · 28/10/2025 00:26

This pregnancy is both your fault, and you can’t force him to have a medical procedure anymore than he can force you to have another abortion. You chose to have unprotected sex and that’s on both of you. I’d be frustrated at him too but there is no point tearing him apart over a mistake you both made.

You are completely right, it is both our faults and I cannot force him. I am more angry at myself than him, however I cannot have sex again and have this worry, so unless he does something, we are in a sexless marriage.

OP posts:

AnyOtherBrightIdeas · 28/10/2025 00:47

ToKittyornottoKitty · 28/10/2025 00:26

This pregnancy is both your fault, and you can’t force him to have a medical procedure anymore than he can force you to have another abortion. You chose to have unprotected sex and that’s on both of you. I’d be frustrated at him too but there is no point tearing him apart over a mistake you both made.

No, absolutely not; he said he would wear a condom, did, and then took it off because it spoilt his 15 minutes (I’m being generous there) of pleasure. He cared more about his immediate gratification than the fact his poor partner had done with having babies, didn’t get on with hormonal contraception and had already had one abortion.

This kind of dude isn’t an equal partner and therefore any “it’s both your faults” conclusion is null and void.

You were correct to lose your temper. Do that more often, because this guy just gets his own way without any inconvenience to him.

AnyOtherBrightIdeas · 28/10/2025 00:53

@ktopfwcv are you joking??

Ask yourself why you think it is ok to suggest a woman gets sterilised when a man can’t be bothered to do a very simple, usually complication-free procedure.

This woman has grown and birthed two whole humans from her body, with all the risks of prolapse, pelvic floor issues, years of ingrained tiredness. On top of this, she has also gone through endless hormonal fluctuations, borne the cancer risk of the combined pill and abortifacients. And you still think the solution is for her to undergo further invasive surgery with a much higher complication rate than male sterilisation? … good grief.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 28/10/2025 00:55

AnyOtherBrightIdeas · 28/10/2025 00:47

No, absolutely not; he said he would wear a condom, did, and then took it off because it spoilt his 15 minutes (I’m being generous there) of pleasure. He cared more about his immediate gratification than the fact his poor partner had done with having babies, didn’t get on with hormonal contraception and had already had one abortion.

This kind of dude isn’t an equal partner and therefore any “it’s both your faults” conclusion is null and void.

You were correct to lose your temper. Do that more often, because this guy just gets his own way without any inconvenience to him.

Show quote history

Total rubbish, OP consented to unprotected sex and is also responsible. Doesn’t matter about equal partners etc, contraception is both parties responsibility. You can’t deny fault on the basis of the partner being lazy.

But OP I don’t blame you for sticking to a sexless marriage now, he knows his options and hopefully he will make the right choice.

margegunderson · 28/10/2025 00:55

What an arse he is. I’m very sorry.

ktopfwcv · 28/10/2025 01:02

AnyOtherBrightIdeas · 28/10/2025 00:53

@ktopfwcv are you joking??

Ask yourself why you think it is ok to suggest a woman gets sterilised when a man can’t be bothered to do a very simple, usually complication-free procedure.

This woman has grown and birthed two whole humans from her body, with all the risks of prolapse, pelvic floor issues, years of ingrained tiredness. On top of this, she has also gone through endless hormonal fluctuations, borne the cancer risk of the combined pill and abortifacients. And you still think the solution is for her to undergo further invasive surgery with a much higher complication rate than male sterilisation? … good grief.

Edited

Why isn't it OK for a woman to be sterilised but it is for a man?

AnyOtherBrightIdeas · 28/10/2025 01:10

@ktopfwcv you have misunderstood. My point was, the OP here has done her bit (and the rest, x100). It’s now the male partner’s turn and any decent partner knows this. If you love and care for someone you don’t expect them to put themselves out and their health and happiness at risk.

No-one can require anyone else to undergo a medical procedure bevause that would be abhorrent. But then they don’t get to ditch the condom in the moment and expect their female partner to just have another baby or ya know, have another abortion.

It sounds like the OP here is a bit subservient to the partner (or at least puts her needs second/ 100th ;) hence why I think the “you all did bad” approach isnt legit.

ktopfwcv · 28/10/2025 01:13

AnyOtherBrightIdeas · 28/10/2025 01:10

@ktopfwcv you have misunderstood. My point was, the OP here has done her bit (and the rest, x100). It’s now the male partner’s turn and any decent partner knows this. If you love and care for someone you don’t expect them to put themselves out and their health and happiness at risk.

No-one can require anyone else to undergo a medical procedure bevause that would be abhorrent. But then they don’t get to ditch the condom in the moment and expect their female partner to just have another baby or ya know, have another abortion.

It sounds like the OP here is a bit subservient to the partner (or at least puts her needs second/ 100th ;) hence why I think the “you all did bad” approach isnt legit.

You could view it that way but it makes little difference.

OP doesn't want any more children, sterilisation is an option especially given his lack of effort to resolve.

AnyOtherBrightIdeas · 28/10/2025 01:17

Yeah but the pregnancy issue is only temporary. The “fuck - he sees himself as more important and valuable than me” issue is existential and won’t be solved with her sterilisation 🤷‍♀️

ktopfwcv · 28/10/2025 01:20

AnyOtherBrightIdeas · 28/10/2025 01:17

Yeah but the pregnancy issue is only temporary. The “fuck - he sees himself as more important and valuable than me” issue is existential and won’t be solved with her sterilisation 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely. But OP posted about pregnancies and abortions not divorce so my response was a direct response to the post.

CombatBarbie · 28/10/2025 01:20

ktopfwcv · 28/10/2025 01:02

Why isn't it OK for a woman to be sterilised but it is for a man?

Show quote history

Mainly because its a huge non reversible operation with a long recovery compared to a 1hr local anesthetic job which is reversible?

MarvellousMonsters · 28/10/2025 01:22

Alfie1222 · 28/10/2025 00:01

He would try to and then take them off. I allowed this, so I am a stupid woman for allowing this. I was tracking my menstrual cycle and avoiding ovulation, but this obviously failed. I am so upset with myself.

Is a Mirena coil not an option? It’s a different progesterone dose to the mini pill, and may not impact your mood etc? If not, a copper coil or a diaphragm are other options. I know this is putting the responsibility all back on to you again, but at least you would remove the worry and stress of it.

ktopfwcv · 28/10/2025 01:30

CombatBarbie · 28/10/2025 01:20

Mainly because its a huge non reversible operation with a long recovery compared to a 1hr local anesthetic job which is reversible?

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OP can't have the snip as she is a female nor can she force him to. The option isn't the snip or sterilisation it's unwanted pregnancies ending in abortion or sterilisation or abstaining.
There's little point even discussing the dp having a snip as he's unwilling. It isn't either or.

CombatBarbie · 28/10/2025 01:36

ktopfwcv · 28/10/2025 01:30

OP can't have the snip as she is a female nor can she force him to. The option isn't the snip or sterilisation it's unwanted pregnancies ending in abortion or sterilisation or abstaining.
There's little point even discussing the dp having a snip as he's unwilling. It isn't either or.

Show quote history

Amd contraception fails frequently. If I were the op id be stocking up on toys for her own satisfaction if he is going to continue being selfish.