AIBU to be terrified about having a second baby?

[tes761]

Hi all,
Long-time lurker, first-time poster. I need to tap into the hive mind because my own mind is going in circles.
DH (Dear Husband) and I have one lovely DS (Dear Son) who's just turned two. He's absolutely hard work but wonderful, and we feel like we're finally coming up for air from the newborn fog. And now... the question of a second is starting to loom.
On paper, it feels like the logical thing to do. We always said we wanted two, we’re in our mid-30s so the clock is (annoyingly) ticking, and I like the idea of DS having a sibling. My friends are all starting on their second babies, and the peer pressure is real!
But. I’m also daunted. Truly daunted.
The thought of going back to the sleepless nights, the relentless newborn phase, and the financial hit of another round of mat leave and then double childcare costs is making me feel a bit sick. I’ve just got my career back on track, and we’re only now feeling like we have a sliver of time for ourselves again. AIBU (Am I Being Unreasonable) to worry about losing that completely?
So, I’d love to hear from those of you who have been there.
🙆🙆🙆

You both need to talk about it really talk about what you both want.

I was one and done before i was 30 and i knew that i didnt want more i was told i would regret it he needs a sibling etc.
But i knew i was done.
The cost of the first one no way they was going to be a second.
By the time my sister and old friends started having babies my baby was in school.
By the time they was having baby 2 and 3 my baby was leaving home.
I had all my freedom back.
And doing me thing things i could not do.
But i know i made the right choice for me, i did not want to be parenting in to my 50s at that age i wanted to be on a beach free and sipping wine not doing school runs.
You had freedom and care free vibes before he was born think you will have it all back and your still be young.
More kids more money more time everything doubles.

If you're going to do it, do it really soon. A gap of more than say four years mean they effectively grow up as only children anyway as they have different interests and abilities all through childhood. They may still be close as adults, but days out etc are much harder when they are kids and you don't get the benefit of them playing together and entertaining each other and helping each other tolerate other young people.

I think it’s something you have to both really, really want - as otherwise it’s too hard. If you’re on the fence, I’d say it’s a no….

I found baby one easy, but having two is brutal to be honest. Though maybe easier with a slightly larger gap. I have two two years apart. But I knew one million percent I wanted a second so there was zero doubt in my mind. I’ve never ever regretted it.

For what it's worth, going from one to two felt much easier than going from zero to one for me. Less of a shock to the system!

Obviously it's very dependant on the type of child you have/ will get and your own personal financial/career situation. Everyone's experience will be different so it's really worth taking the time to sit and think about what suits your lifestyle and what you truly want.

I stopped at one because ultimately I knew we'd be better parents to one than we'd be to two. I love being a mum but I also love time to do other things that make me happy. I think I could have coped ok with a 4-5 year+ gap between children but anything less than that looks awful to me - never once have I been out with my child (now aged 5) and wished I also had a younger child with me.

I don’t agree with this at all. My kids have a good gap and are the best of friends and always have been. It’s so much easier as the okder one doesn’t need as much attention and care (can put their own coat on for example).

They play together all the time - mostly PlayStation now though!

OP your second is a lot easier. You know what to expect and you are generally more chilled. The second just kinda slots in either the family. Good luck.

We have a 3 3/4 year gap and it's great. Older child is a more reasonable (still has his moments) and able to walk and fetch things. No double childcare costs. Plus our second has been really chilled and slept reasonably well. So it has been harder than one but I'd say 50% not 100%.

That said you don't have to have another child out of peer pressure!

I have two. 3 year age gap, would be similar to yours. 4 and 1 in November

I will repeat this until the end of time

DO NOT do it if you are not 100% all for it!!!!!!!!

I found 0-1 harder than going 1-2. Partly because DC1 was a tough baby, and 2nd time round we were more experienced. I mean yes it's hard - but your child will become more demanding as they grow, it's good for them to have another child / person to help take the heat off you.

I agree with what previous poster said, best to get on with it and limit the age gap. Theres 26 months between mine and in an ideal world I would've had a smaller age gap, but they're still only 3 and 1, so gap feels wide for now.

Interestingly, I feel like you when it comes to thought of having a 3rd.

How much of the childcare does DH do? Eg if the child is ill does he take time off work, or is it always you? Does do much solo parenting or is it both of you or just you? If you are already doing most of the work / taking the career hit, expect to carry on doing it with baby no 2.

You are me ! I have a DS just turned 2 and have been going round in circles about a second. I am also terrified to do it, partly for the same reasons you have listed. Mostly, due to a terrible pregnancy, birth and postpartum though. It upsets my sometimes that it is likely he won't have a sibling but I can't make bring myself to go through it again. I've decided that 1 happy baby and happy mum is better than 2 happy babies with an unhappy mum. My mental and physical health took a beating during the pregnancy, birth and postpartum phases.

Exactly the same with me! I honestly feel no desire to do it all over again. Don't get me wrong I love my 5 year old DS and absolutely love being a mum but to me 2 is just double the hard work and everything else

I have similar age gap between mine, I don't get those saying 'the smaller the gap the better'... my youngest is now 4 and they've been best friends from the moment she was born. The older child teaches the younger one to read, while I drink my (hot) tea! Would not change it.

1 to 2 is notoriously the hardest ! I have 7 🙈 my oldest is 21 youngest 4.5 months I'm 37, all I've known is being a parent what I will say is every single child is different not a single one of mine have been the same

I was terrified of having a second one as well, and the feeling got harder once I got my life back after they turned 2. So although I liked the idea of having 2 in theory, I just didn't think I could handle the reality of it. Until my first turned eight and I started wanting another one and thinking I could handle it now that my first needed less intensive looking after
And then I did have a second one, with a 10 year age. So far it's brilliant, 2 kids at very different stages of life and I find the newborn and baby stage so much easier to handle now.
Do it when you feel ready or you might resent it, it's not a now or never situation.

You absolutely don't have to have 2. At least half the kids at our school are only children, and most adults I know aren't that close with their siblings.
So if you are only doing it because you feel you should, don't. Some people do it hoping for one of the opposite sex, well, you know that's definitely not a given. It is hard having two together, because you can't rest like you did after the first is born/do things whenever you like when the older one needs things. Friends who have lots say it does get easier when you've loads of older ones, because they play together and do things themselves, but when you have 2 close together, I won't lie, it is hard, for a while anyway. Or maybe that's just me! But seriously, I wanted more, but I know that's just for me-I know I didn't do it for my firstborn.

People don't tend to be judgmental now, like (maybe?) when you were a child, because it's so common to be an only child.

Some people say they like being an only child, some say they hate having lots of siblings, some wish they had more, so you're damned if you and damned if you don't.

No real advice other than I had 2 under 2 (22 month gap) for this reason.

I could habe written the "coming up for air" word for word.

Either go for it now over the next year or stop 6 yrs of nappies and broken sleep is my ide of hell.

Id actually have preferred a bigger gap in some ways as oldest got SO self sufficient between 2 and 3

my second was born when first was 2. It wasn’t such a shock to the system as was already parenting. I liked them being little together, and they have remained close now as older teens- likely due to the little age gap.

if you want 2 I would suggest sooner rather than later. They grow older together and things get easier. I couldn’t imagine leaving a bigger gap and going back to nappies and baby land when I had an older child, but for some that works better for their situation.

i think having 2 changes the dynamic completely . You create an adults and kids dynamic, whereas with 1 it’s more focus on the 1 child , if that makes sense.
also, they play together and entertain eachother … when they are both old enough, which is great!

I was very fortunate to be able to take a few years staying at home , and I imagine things would have been harder if childcare was a consideration.

We need to stop this concept of ‘you never regret another child’. I have one child, who is 6. What I never expected is the number of parents who have confided in me that I made a good decision to stop at one and that part of them wishes they had too. (I’m not joking, I’ve had this happen multiple times)

Never my plan to have 1 child, I always wanted 2,3 or 4. Awful pregnancy, having a bad sleeper, husband who works crazy hours, wanting to be part time and finances all made us decide to have one. Absolutely the BEST decision we ever made. Having one has given us a stable life and fantastic relationship with our child. She is a well-rounded, polite, popular, academically advanced, loving child (I’ve been told this by every nursery worker and teacher she’s had).
There is still such stigma around only having one child - but it is okay to have ‘just one’. The worry that they will be spoilt, lonely - it’s all complete nonsense… how you raise the child is most important. We host many play dates, she enjoys lots of clubs and has great friendships… the list goes on.

I’m not saying you would regret having another, or that you shouldn’t. But if you have a good chat with your other half and you both don’t actually want one, then don’t feel guilty. If you only want one or don’t think another would be manageable, put that energy into the family you already have and enjoy 🙂

We were very happy with one DS, who like OP experienced similar emotions on having a second DC. What changed for us is that DS1 was a quiet, thoughtful child, not wanting to spend time with other children, he preferred adult company, he also was becoming spoilt, our fault. DS2 was born when DS1 was nearly 4, he was so easygoing, just fitted in so well, didn’t sleep through till 9 months old, but slept for 3/4 hours daytime and was asleep nighttime by 8pm. It also helped DS1 come out of his shell, they completed things together, riding bikes, learnt to swim same time, were best friends.

I haven't found having two any harder than one. If anything it's easier because they play together. Babies are so much easier then toddlers too.

I found it much harder going from 0 to 1 than I did going from 1 to 2, but it was still hard work and there were moments I thought, why did I do this?! That said, you don’t have to have a second if you don’t want to.

To add, I think you should only have a second child if YOU want to have a second child, not for your firstborn 'have someone to play with' or so you don't 'have an only'. Plenty of siblings hate each other. People will stop judging you on 'having an only'... but will judge you on something else. I did find going from 1-2 way easier than going 0-1, and my second born was a much more difficult baby and an atrocious sleeper for years. Don't rush it. Give it another year and think again, see how you feel. I am extremely happy with the age gap between my two, it's 3 years 10 months, they are best friends still so it's not like your kids will hate each other if they're more than 3 years apart- that can happen with any age gap.

Currently in the exact same place as you! We are trying for a second, I am terrified and feel like it’s going to be so so hard - however when I got my period after the first month of trying I was super disappointed! So I just tell myself that it will be hard, but unlike first time round I have more realistic expectations. I know I really struggled with my little boy, especially in the newborn days - but when I look back I just have happy feelings towards that time. So I feel like that will be the same again.