AIBU to be terrified about having a second baby?

[tes761]

Hi all,
Long-time lurker, first-time poster. I need to tap into the hive mind because my own mind is going in circles.
DH (Dear Husband) and I have one lovely DS (Dear Son) who's just turned two. He's absolutely hard work but wonderful, and we feel like we're finally coming up for air from the newborn fog. And now... the question of a second is starting to loom.
On paper, it feels like the logical thing to do. We always said we wanted two, we’re in our mid-30s so the clock is (annoyingly) ticking, and I like the idea of DS having a sibling. My friends are all starting on their second babies, and the peer pressure is real!
But. I’m also daunted. Truly daunted.
The thought of going back to the sleepless nights, the relentless newborn phase, and the financial hit of another round of mat leave and then double childcare costs is making me feel a bit sick. I’ve just got my career back on track, and we’re only now feeling like we have a sliver of time for ourselves again. AIBU (Am I Being Unreasonable) to worry about losing that completely?
So, I’d love to hear from those of you who have been there.
🙆🙆🙆

We are going to be joining the 2 under 2 club. I am getting on in age and have a medical issue. The first took over a year to conceive, number 2 is a happy accident. I feel that waiting might have removed our chance of a 2nd. I've met other much younger mums that have a large gap through no choice of their own.

You’re not unreasonable - you have to do what is right for you and your family and having a second may not be for you. Just don’t feel rushed into it. And whilst everyone will offer their view on the ideal age gap, the reality is you may not have a choice in that anyway (our 5 year gap is bigger than we’d planned as it took us longer to conceive than expected and we had an ectopic pregnancy inbetween). We got to the point we said we’d give it a couple more months and were starting to come to terms with not having a second, but then fell pregnant. She’s wonderful and I wouldn’t be without her. But the dynamic is different - sometimes they are magic together but a lot of the time they drive each other mad, you feel pulled in multiple directions but then have double the love. It’s equally as hard and wonderful as just having the one. Doesn’t mean it’s better or that it’s right for everyone - you make your family special whatever size it is so don’t let pressure impact your decision. Follow your gut and you still have plenty of time if you want to wait it out a bit.

If you definitely want a second, crack on with it. A smaller age gap will be easier as they get older.

We had two under two and it was fine. I'm glad there is only a small age gap.

I was quite uncertain about having a second too. I just felt quite overwhelmed by having my first and the absolute annihilation of my life as I had known it prior to motherhood but I really wanted a sibling for my daughter. We had an almost 3 year age gap between DD1 and DS2 and my experience of having a second really surprised me. I found it sooo much easier. Really loved it and when the two of them started to interact and play, it was the nest thing I genuinely found it easier having two. Obviously having a toddler and a baby is hard work but they now really entertain each other and keep each other engaged when I have things to do (they are now 5 and 3). Anyway we ended up having a third (that's a whole other ball game, not sure I'd recommend! 😅). Anyway, it's a hugely personal decision but that was my take on it.

Its such a personal thing....
I guess the main question is do you have any sort of urge to have another baby?
Do you look at babies and feel a pull, same with families of 4 and when you see siblings together?
How long do you feel like you want to keep mothering young children?
What sort of lifestyle matters to you if 1-2 would mean any significant changes to that?
I was an only child and always wished I had a sibling, but many other only children might say they enjoyed it just being them.
I think the size and availability of your network makes a difference....do you have relatives? Cousins? Plenty of close friends with kids? And are you close both emotionally and in location?
Lots of questions to ask yourself....

@tes761 for me I just knew that I either wanted 0 or 2.
I probably could have lived a life without kids, but as a couple we decided we'd have children.
And once I knew I was going to have a child I knew I would want 2.

I basically just cracked on, first baby at 34, second at 36.

It's hard, but now my youngest is 3 it's lovely. It is such a great gap. You have to just accept that the sleepless nights and nappies etc are part of it. It is a short time in the grand scheme of their life.

If you're going to do it, do it soon. There was no way I could have tolerated a bigger gap. I needed to re-use all the baby stuff and then get rid!

You might be one and done and that’s fine. Alternatively you might just want a bigger gap. I know some people prefer to get it all out of the way but I wasn’t ready at two and we have 3.9 years between ours and that has been perfect for us. Yes we had to go back to it all when we were well and truly out the other side but we only had to focus on one baby at a time and our eldest was in pre-school for five hours a day when our youngest arrived. Maybe see how you feel in six months or a year

You don’t have to have two children. It’s fine to have one. Only have a second child because it’s what you really not, not because it’s the done thing.

There’s also nothing wrong with a big gap! Ten years between mine and there’s a lot of positives but I did have them in my 20s and 30s.

You definitely don't need to have 2 - its really common to have 1 child nowadays. In my daughters reception class around half the children were only children! Do what you WANT to do not what you feel you ought to. There is no need to rush into it either. I know people with 4 or 5 year age gaps and it is really lovely

There's 2 years and one week between my DC.

It is really hard but getting easier as DC 2 is getting bigger and the boys are interacting more.

I think I was very depressed for about 4 months.

Like yeah it's hard but we wanted another child. Truthfully I'd like a third and I'm dithering about whether to wait a year or 2 before trying again.

Don't have a baby for anyone else. Have one because you want one.

Agree with this. There is a 5 year gap between our 2 . The eldest DS1 helped DS2 with talking, socialising and told him all about cars 🙄. Now they are older they are still in touch. For us it made life a lot easier and now we are reaping the rewards.

I think the take away from this is everyone will give you mixed reviews on a) ideal age gap b) stopping at one or having a second. I have 2 under 2 and absolutely love it, haven't found it too bad to be honest but it was absolutely what I wanted with no doubt or concerns. All of your concerns are absolutely valid and wont go away. I agree with PP sentiment of you shouldn't have a child unless 100% certain. I cannot imagine the guilt of living with the regret of having a child, I think that must be hard for everyone involved regardless of the love there.

You don’t want a second child, for perfectly valid reasons, so don’t have one.

No wisdom, but empathy - I could have written your post I think!

I'm definitely starting to feel an urge for a second, but very aware of the potential drawbacks of this.

For me, I'm at least sure that I would want to upsize house before having another baby, so that will delay things a bit. I've also adjusted to the idea of having a bigger gap between children than I might have wanted pre-DC, e.g. 3 - 4+ years rather than 2 - 3 years, which I'm hoping will take the pressure off a bit financially (less time when they're both in full-time childcare) and practically (DS will hopefully be more independent).

I'm also hoping that some of what I found hard about having my first baby might be easier second time around. I'd be more experienced, and would be pretty sure that this would be the last time I'll be dealing with the sleep regressions, teething, nappies etc...whereas now, in the difficult moments all I can think is "how would I cope with this and another child to deal with..."

So I think we will try, if we're able to move house in the next year or two. But if it doesn't happen I also think we would come to terms with that, however painful it might be for a while. There are definitely advantages to being one and done, and we do have at least a couple of friends who have made that decision too.

I know the biological clock is real, but you definitely don't have to decide right now. If you only just feel like things are getting easier now, enjoy that for a bit longer! See how you feel in 6 months, or a year or so.

We’ve gone for two under two, as first bub was very easy, sleeps through the night now, almost potty trained in the day etc, so thought sod it, atleast will just be juggling a newborn overnight for the next one. But if first had been difficult/bad sleeper etc, I always said I’d wait 3 years to try and relax a bit first before the next one!

Four year gap was amazing for us. Big one a bit more independent and child care costs massively reduced, I would suggest having a bit more of a gap.

At least a three year age gap between siblings is the bit you’ll need to get your head around. At the moment you’re focussed on how you’ll cope with the baby phase and tiredness etc because you’ve just experienced that, but actually I found the tricky element of baby number two was managing that relationship between two small children with different and sometimes competing needs. The actual exhaustion and tedium factor is a familiar thing. Herding toddlers isn’t!

@tes761 what did you decide??x