Husband wants a child not a baby...

[TakeMeToTheSunshine]

I really want to have a second baby, but my husband is still traumatised after our first born being an awful sleeper/CMPA/reflux/colic etc.

He loves being a dad and is really enjoying having a child and says he'd love another if you could just skip the first really hard bit when they are tiny.

I think it's just one of those things you have to get through (secretly hoping that second child might not be as tough as the first) but he is so stuck on how hard it was to start with (first 12-18months) that he can't agree to trying for a second.

Has anyone had similar and either gone for it or stayed at one?

My second was just as your first (and my first) but also prem. It almost ended our marriage because my husband was angry about it all the time. Think hard on what he's saying here. Can you do anything to put in extra support?

How old is your first, OP? If time is on your side, you may find he comes round to the idea with a bigger age gap (but not guaranteed, obviously)

My second was like your first. And we had a small age gap so DC1 was still young. It was horrific.

Ironically in our case DH was then quite up for a third DC after we had got through the first 2 years of DC2, but I couldn't face it.

They are small for such a small amount of time. If he wants another child and you do too I think you have to enter into it knowing it may be very hard but that this is a tiny percentage of their life and your families life

Would you consider adoption or fostering?

Well it would be worse if it was the other way around. So many people want babies and forget the decades of parenting ahead of them, most of which will be not the baby part.

Sort of in that I would love another baby but was so ill myself with hyperemesis during pregnancy I couldn't put myself through that again.

I think you are hearing him say 'yes' when in actual fact he's saying 'no' but trying to make it sound less blunt.

Probably needs another conversation. The person who says no always has the veto but the other person has the right to keep talking about it imo.

We were like this, but we eventually had a second and it was so much easier than the first, just because we’d done it all before. It also seemed to go a lot quicker than the first time round. I realised after having my second how much guilt I carried just having one.
I find some things are easier now that we’ve got two, for example you don’t feel like you have to constantly entertain one (although I wouldn’t say it’s easy by any stretch).

I think he is gently trying to tell you hes happy with just the one

Adoption is about finding families for traumatised children not finding children for families that find the baby part challenging.

With respect to the OP, if a family has struggled with 12-18 months of challenging parenting they are not likely to be cut out for adoption and certainly not fostering, where parenting at every age is generally tougher than average.

OP I agree with previous posters - I think your husband is saying no gently. You need to dig into this a bit more with him.

This is me...if I could birth a2 year old I would love to have more kids. But I really don't want another baby so we will stick to the 2 we already have. I think what he is saying is... no. (When I tell my DH that I would have more children if I can skip the first part I mean that I have accepted that it is a no because reality is that you get a baby)

@IlesFlottante different people cope with different stages. Finding babyhood hard doesn't mean they won't be great parents at different ages.

That's an interestingly narrow view of adoption @Awumminnscotland

Reverse roles and think how you'd feel if he was pressuring you when you said you couldn't go through it again.

Are you willing to risk losing your relationship for a baby?

Yes, this, 100%!! I often say i wouldn't have minded a third chilf, it I got them at about 4 years old and din't have to do the baby/toddler stuff .... but what I mean is that this ship has sailed, there will be no more babies

I was your husband in this, when DS1 was about 2.5 I couldn't fathom another baby because I'd found maternity leave and the first 2 years so bloody hard. Turns out DS1 has ADHD so that makes sense now!

There's a 5 year age gap between my two and I'm really pleased we did wait. I coped better the second time around BUT DS2 was an altogether easier baby and toddler.

We did some relationship counselling together before trying for a second baby, and also when I was pregnant. That really helped in my fears being heard and understood by DH, and DH felt that I became more open to listening and trusting him too.

Not sharing because I believe this is necessarily the answer for you and your family, but more to give you food for thought.

How old is your first?

And are there things you would do differently next time which would make it easier - for example you would presumably be very aware of the CMPA/reflux issue this time, so if there were signs, you could get it diagnosed and treated much earlier?

We had a very difficult time with DC1 as a baby and for a while I was adamant there would be no more despite having wanted 2 kids.

However 1) I convinced myself that no 2 would be different, eg we would get tongue tie checked and sorted quickly next time round and 2) DC1 got easier and the memories faded… a little anyway! My views changed completely in the space of about 6-9 months.

What I’m saying is, give it time, and speak to DH about what you could do to make it a bit easier next time. The only benefit of having an incredibly difficult first baby is that the second one is (almost) guaranteed to feel easier by comparison…

More like a very realistic view!!

My DH would only consider an 18yo+ as he wasn't keen on DC at all...

I felt the same but ended up going for it. Second time round has been so much easier. I think 0-1 is the hardest as you change as a person and your whole life changes, whereas with 1-2 you already are a parent and the baby just slots in.

We decided to go for ‘one more’ and it was twins. Just something else to consider.

He probably found the baby stuff so hard because he was new to parenting. Now he's got experience behind him and he's managed toddlers. There's a reason people often find it easier second time round, and it's not because the babies are magically easier (though lots of people think they are) but because you're going into it experienced.

Our first was similar and neither of us was particularly enthusiastic about having another baby as a result. We did know we wanted two children though.

We went for it quickly enough, with a two year gap, pretty much just to get the baby bit done while we were still in the swing of it. It turned out that our second was a very easy going baby. I think if we'd had them the other way around our second would've killed us!

It's really not.

I'm fascinated by people who have twins. It looks so difficult but parents of twins etc always seem so relaxed!

I worked with quadruplets once and could never figure out how they managed 4 at once.