Husband wants a child not a baby...

[TakeMeToTheSunshine]

I really want to have a second baby, but my husband is still traumatised after our first born being an awful sleeper/CMPA/reflux/colic etc.

He loves being a dad and is really enjoying having a child and says he'd love another if you could just skip the first really hard bit when they are tiny.

I think it's just one of those things you have to get through (secretly hoping that second child might not be as tough as the first) but he is so stuck on how hard it was to start with (first 12-18months) that he can't agree to trying for a second.

Has anyone had similar and either gone for it or stayed at one?

I wasn't a massive fan of the baby stage (although I did love mine very much of course). I have an older step child and didn't want a massive gap between oldest and youngest so we didn't have long to make a decision after having DSS's sibling.

In the end we decided on a small age gap and a part-time nanny. DH switched to condensed hours and I worked 30-hours/week. The DC were only with our (lovely) nanny 2.5 days per week and I was working from home most of those so able to breastfeed - something I had not managed with my first. This ended up being the perfect solution for us although, not being rich, we did have to budget hard to make it work and I realise it is not an option open to everyone.

I guess what I'm trying to say is do you have the option (in terms of time, money or family support) of doing things differently this time?

My first was really, really difficult. It pushed me to the brink. I used to dream of being run over so I could spend a few nights in hospital and sleep.

I decided to have a second and it was a completely different experience. The second was a dream. No regrets.

There are threads on here saying the opposite. So I think OP no one can tell you how it all could pan out!

My BIL really wanted a second but my sister wasn’t sure as she just doesn’t have a huge maternal instinct towards babies and toddlers.

They made an agreement that he would do the majority of childcare and became a SAHD for the first 3/4 years whilst she returned to work.

If you really want one, are you in the position to do most of the childcare for it whilst it’s a baby?
I assume you would get maternity leave which would help for the first few months.
I think it could be a good compromise.

My first has allergies too and the baby stage was so hard. I still get emotional thinking about what she went through. Im currently pregnant with our second and have had similar conversations with my DH.

You need to think about ways to make it easier on you second time round. Can you pay for more help this time? Can you bf (therefore if the kid has CMPA you can just remove milk immediately)? Would you be willing to co sleep or sleep train if sleep deprivation is an issue?

It's a bit of a leap of faith but ultimately I decided that the downside of having an only child, together with being better prepared this time round, has made us go for it.

Yeah that's very true! And I totally agree, my husband is just stuck on the hard bit.

We've already said if sleep was as awful we would pay for help this time. COVID lockdown last time meant we had no help with anything 😭

All good points to think about thank you

Yeah totally. First time round we definitely shared it as much as possible, but I think it would naturally fall much more to me as he would have to look after the toddler

This is what gives me hope, my husband just won't or can't let himself see that this might be a possibility! 😞

My friend’s husband was totally useless when their children were babies, but as soon as they were old enough to play proper sport and have a decent conversation with, he totally changed. He’s now one of the best dads of teenagers I know!

This could be him 🤣 he loves it now they can do things together but found the newborn stage where they are so dependent on you so so tough

Honestly, they were on the verge of separating but he was very honest and admitted he’d tried and tried but just couldn’t cope with babies. He’s making up for it now in spades!

I feel like I was a better mum when mine were little, than I am now they’re teens. We can’t all be good at everything all the time haha, kids can be challenging little critters!!

I've got three and all three were different. Third was easiest, second was hardest because he has disabilities. First was hard, but I suspect we made it hard because side we were new parents. We had fixed ideas and expectations, but with the third everything was just more fluid (helped by him being a reasonable sleeper quite early on. It's the bad sleepers that kill you. There is nothing worse than sustained sleep deprivation. You lose your mind.

I liked having the second one tbh - i had a boisterous 2 year old, so I had forgotten how little newborns actually do. You're used to operating on no sleep, so that bits easier and logistically you have to divide and conquer, so I dealt mainly with the baby and DH took the toddler, so your dh might find he spends more time with toddler than baby anyway. I was also just generally more competent and less anxious second time round, so didnt really need DH to do much when DS2 was a baby - DH came in to his own later.

Yes, agree with pps that it's just easiest not to expect too much from DHs when they're babies. This was a massive pain in the arse with the first one, but I was fine with it second time round as DH wasn't getting out of anything. DS1 needed entertaining/seeing to in the night. (Also secretly DS2 was all mine and I didn't really like sharing him 🤫)

It's not a narrow view it's an correctly prioritised view 🙄

My dc1 was the same as yours. Just screamed 24/7 no matter what you did. Not through choice, we ended up with a 7 1/2 year age gap between our DDs so didn't have to deal with two little kids at once. This one doesn't have cmpa or silent reflux but she did have colic and weight gaining/feeding issues that made her very cranky for the first 4 months. She's 6 months now and will only nap on me/dh and mostly only sleep with my nipple in her mouth (yes, I should get round to sleep training), but it's nothing compared to dc1. I do now look back on the first year with dc1 and feel that actually I'm a bit traumatised (maybe that's the wrong word for it) by it. I still have some hang ups around it eg I've only been to the supermarket on my own with dc2 once as I had so many horrendous attempts with dc1 that I'm a bit petrified of doing the normal stuff. I'd describe myself as a resilient person but my god it was so very very hard. Neither dh or I do well on little sleep, so that didn't help. We don't have family around and can't afford to buy in help. What I'm trying to say is I can see your DH's point of view. It didn't put me off, in fact I had to fight very hard (lots of ivf, surgeries and miscarriages) to get dc2 and I have zero regrets. We feel complete now.

Our first was cmpa, severe reflux, tongue and lip ties, milk and food aversion and still doesn't sleep through at 5! He almost broke us, and me, in the first 2 years.

We did have a second with a 3 year gap. I assumed she would be like my first and prepped accordingly for allergies (went dairy and soya free to try to breastfeed 6 weeks before due), watched breastfeeding videos, and was armed with the knowledge that as an 'experienced' mum, I'd be more pushy and taken more seriously my medical professionals.

My kids are complete opposites in almost every way. Dd is ridiculously healthy (tongue tie cut on day 4), no allergies, no reflux, obsessed with breastmilk still at 2, great diet, and much better sleeper (though my bar is v low after ds...). She's been very healing for me. I'd even have a third (if we started pooping money and extra bedrooms) if I could guarantee another like her, health wise.

Well me and DH got plenty of sleep during the newborn time as we bottle fed and split the night in two - so the "off duty" parent was in the spare room with headphones.

We both got 7-8 hours of sleep a night every night.

Could that be an option? Rather than not having a baby

OP you need to listen to your husband telling you he doesn’t want another one. He’s made the decision.

Trying to convince him to have a child he doesn’t want will only make you unhappy and resentful when he isn’t a good co-parent and you end up doing it alone.