No unplanned pregnancies or scares

[ConfusedAdult2001]

I (21F) have a 4 month old baby girl with my husband (27M). The pregnancy was unplanned, as I was on the pill (and taking it religiously), and we currently aren't planning for any more. I'm back on the pill and breastfeeding as well as insisting he pulls out if he doesn't want to wear a condom (I got pregnant on the pill once before, not trying to get pregnant again so soon after already having a baby). He no longer wants to pull out, we don't use condoms; he insists we'll be fine as in over 3 years of me being on the pill, I never got pregnant, and me now being back on it AND breastfeeding, I likely won't get pregnant.

I have my own reservations in all of this: sex is still somewhat painful after a vaginal birth and 3rd degree tear, no hormonal birth control is 100% effective, I don't like having to decide whether to keep a baby, abort them, or give them up for adoption.

Not to mention the fact that if I do get pregnant and I want an abortion, he literally told me to not tell him anything about the whole situation.

I don't care how slim the odds are, I don't like having that heavy decision weighing over me, the person literally carrying and developing this new person.

I've only ever been on the pill and hear horror stories about any other hormonal contraceptives. Any advice?

[RandomMusings7]

He's being a selfish pig. He's willing to put you through the distress of an abortion for literally 10 more seconds of pleasure! Selfish selfish idiot...

It's not very clear how many times you got pregnant on the pill - was it once or twice?

I remember reading somewhere that a small % of women have a genetic variant that makes them sort of immune to the pill. I would be terrified to rely on a method that has failed me once. You are being smart and responsible trying to double up.

If you're reluctant about hormonal methods, how about the good old copper iud?

[America12]

What does he mean , in three years you've never got pregnant? You have.
Unless he used condoms I wouldn't be having sex , end of conversation. He sounds like a selfish bastard.

[ConfusedAdult2001]

@RandomMusings7

He's being a selfish pig. He's willing to put you through the distress of an abortion for literally 10 more seconds of pleasure! Selfish selfish idiot...

It's not very clear how many times you got pregnant on the pill - was it once or twice?

I remember reading somewhere that a small % of women have a genetic variant that makes them sort of immune to the pill. I would be terrified to rely on a method that has failed me once. You are being smart and responsible trying to double up.

If you're reluctant about hormonal methods, how about the good old copper iud?

Only got pregnant once, but it was WAY too soon and completely unexpected. I always hear that with IUDs, if you get pregnant on them (because they're not 100% either), sometimes it essentially destroys your reproductive system and can make it more difficult for you to conceive later

[Meltingsocks]

He's a fair bit older than you and you're very young, is he controlling in other ways?

[Chomolungma]

The bit in your post that made me really furious was how if you do get pregnant he wants you to go ahead with an abortion without involving him at all. Wtf? This is a man who doesn't like taking responsibility for his actions. I think that you are being reasonable to insist on double contraception in these circumstances.

[TeaAndJaffacakes]

Insist on condoms. No condom, no sex, end of story. You need to be relaxed and happy to enjoy sex. And currently (and very understandably!) you need the extra reassurance of doubling up on contraception.
Also, try some lube - breastfeeding hormones can make things drier.
He should be understanding of the fact sex doesn’t always feel as good for you so soon after birth. He should absolutely not be pushing you to continue if you’re saying things are uncomfortable. And he should be making sure you are warmed up and ready with foreplay and lube before attempting PIV sex.

[RandomMusings7]

@ConfusedAdult2001

Only got pregnant once, but it was WAY too soon and completely unexpected. I always hear that with IUDs, if you get pregnant on them (because they're not 100% either), sometimes it essentially destroys your reproductive system and can make it more difficult for you to conceive later

The failure rate for it is only 0.8% per year. So 8 in 1000 women will fall pregnant each year.

Yes, if it fails, your chances of having an ectopic pregancy are increased. However, the overall risk I very small.

According to research:

The cumulative 4-year probability of having an ectopic pregnancy while using the Copper T was 4 per 1000 women.

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/428232/#:~:text=The%20cumulative%204%2Dyear%20probability,IUD%20experience%20may%20be%20compared.

[ConfusedAdult2001]

@Meltingsocks

He's a fair bit older than you and you're very young, is he controlling in other ways?

In our culture, it's quite common for the men to be dominant over their spouses and children, so the "control" he exerts in certain areas doesn't usually bother me. It just bothers me if he's willing to cause ANOTHER unexpected and unplanned pregnancy just because he wants to come in me versus elsewhere.

He's bothered we haven't had normal sex in almost a year, but that's because it hurt starting about midway through my pregnancy and of course it hurt afterwards, to the point where I was scared to even attempt to continue intercourse.

Why would EITHER of us want to risk all of that AGAIN right now?

[CJsGoldfish]

IUDs these days are a whole lot different, and better, than ones of old. It's a safe and reliable method that you don't have to give much thought to. Speak to your doctor. ASAP. Doesn't even have to be an IUD but if you don't do something, you'll end up with another baby and be even more stuck with this pig of a man.

[RandomMusings7]

What culture is that, if you don't mind me asking, @ConfusedAdult2001 ?

[Pantst]

He won't do the necessary to avoid pregnancy, but won't support you or have anything to do with it if you get pregnant or decide to abort?

He is awful, horrible. Can you see how horrible that is? You are 21. You've got a hell of a lot of years ahead of you, do you really want to spend them with this man? Being treated in this way?

[ConfusedAdult2001]

@RandomMusings7

What culture is that, if you don't mind me asking, @ConfusedAdult2001 ?

Haitian

[Meltingsocks]

You don't have to accept coercive control just because of being born into a certain culture OP. Assuming you're in the UK, you have rights. What kind of support do you have? Friends?

What you want matters more than what he wants. You matter.

[RandomMusings7]

OP, you're so young... please don't let yourself be anchored down as a mother and nothing else. Get a degree, work as many hours as possible and carve out some financial independence. It's so easy for women to get stuck and trapped in unhappy marriages because they had babies and became the default parent and nothing else. Before you know you you're 30 with 3+ kids and no prospect of handling life separate from a husband that you resent.

Be smart.

[Bizzyone]

No sex for him then until he can behave like a grown up and a) respect your body and wishes and b) use a condom.

[NerrSnerr]

The most important thing is only have sex if you want sex. If it's too painful then leave it and he'll have to wait. If he won't wear a condom then he doesn't get to do it at all.

He sounds awful. I would be doing everything in my power not to have another baby

[Flairmaine]

I love my mirena coil and think this could be a really good choice for you if it's something you've not looked into before. I say this because of your fear of becoming pregnant again though, NOT because of your husband.

If he doesn't want to pull out, he can use a condom, end of. If you do not want another child, and you also wouldn't be OK with a termination (that's fine, I wouldn't either), then he needs to wear one.

[iloveorange]

I can see several issues here, to be honest.

The most concerning to me is that your husband seems to have no respect towards you and doesn't care about your physical not emotional well-being. He's also trying to evade responsibility by getting away with doing what he wants yet not dealing with the potential consequences of that.

Then there's your extreme fear of becoming pregnant again, which I completely understand given your age, your recent baby, what sounds like a difficult pregnancy and delivery AND the fact that all of it was unplanned and happened despite your trying to prevent it. It must feel very unsafe a the moment, and I completely get your need to eliminate any risk of pregnancy. Unfortunately, however, that is impossible unless you stop having sex altogether. You can try to reduce the risk by being proactive about contraception, but it only goes so far (as you have experienced). It's like going out into de street and wanting to be 100% certain that you won't be mugged or run over by a car. There're things you can do to reduce the risk (crossing only when traffic lights are green, going out in daylight and in crowded spaces), but the risk will always still be there. I think your fear of a new pregnancy is something you will have to work on, regardless of whether you stay with your husband or not.

[SomePosters]

Tell him no condom no sex

he can make his mind up

it’s despicable the way some men let women pick up all the worry about conceiving

it’s gross that he is pressuring you. Really gross

[SereneSemolina]

You've had lots of good advice.

I do think it's important to add that pre ejaculate can contain sperm too and even if he were agreeing to pull out this wouldn't necessarily be risk free regardless. Many people have become pregnant using this method, it is not foo proof.

I think in your circs I would be insisting on condoms.

[UsernameIsCopied]

@RandomMusings7

OP, you're so young... please don't let yourself be anchored down as a mother and nothing else. Get a degree, work as many hours as possible and carve out some financial independence. It's so easy for women to get stuck and trapped in unhappy marriages because they had babies and became the default parent and nothing else. Before you know you you're 30 with 3+ kids and no prospect of handling life separate from a husband that you resent.

Be smart.

Agree 100%.
Please take this excellent advice OP

[Slanty]

This man is trying to get you pregnant again.

[RandomMusings7]

@Slanty

This man is trying to get you pregnant again.

It's crossed my mind...

@ConfusedAdult2001 is there any chance he could have tampered with your pill? It's odd to fall pregnant if you've taken it religiously.

[ConfusedAdult2001]

@Meltingsocks

You don't have to accept coercive control just because of being born into a certain culture OP. Assuming you're in the UK, you have rights. What kind of support do you have? Friends?

What you want matters more than what he wants. You matter.

I have friends and limited family (not a lot who could actually help me), but I live a decent distance from all of them now.

I live in the US, so I don't really know what type of rights I may have based on this situation just yet.

I'm trying to figure other BC options that might work for us, but I'm just used to the pill and not really willing to risk my health and nursing my current baby, nor be forced to endure certain side effects.

[ConfusedAdult2001]

@RandomMusings7

It's crossed my mind...

@ConfusedAdult2001 is there any chance he could have tampered with your pill? It's odd to fall pregnant if you've taken it religiously.

I HIGGLY doubt it because I always had it on my being or in my purse/bag so I could take it in time