3 kids and working full time - have i left it too late?

[user4501]

Hiya everyone!
I wanted to ask your thoughts. I am 39, soon 40. I have two kids (g and b) and they are 6 and 4. I always wanted 3, but always wanted them close together. Marriage not being right or finances being uncertain, we never got round to the third and at a really difficult time had to even have a termination very early with one when I was really not on a good place with long Covid and we didn't think our marriage would survive.

I was devastated at that termination and felt really conflicted about wanting to still have another but not at that stage.

Fast forward a few years. I now have just started a new job after being poached at the beginning of the year. It's a real challenge but it's also a dream opportunity. The problem is, I still want to have another baby. I also have bad health anxiet and I'm worried I've left it too late and risks of complications are higher. Also, I don't think my confidence would handle being on maternity leave with a replacement, and then having to return and prove myself again. Financially also it would be a huge loss for us if i took too long off work.. So I'm not sure what to do.

Questions:

1. If I went back early- let's say after 3 or 4 months, how hard is that? Has anyone done that? Am I a. Terrible person for even considering this as it's as though I'm squeezing in a child?

Has anyone gone back this early after a baby? What is it like? Is it impossible
To even consider returning to work? I will be able to work from
Home 3 days a week at least and put off travel until baby is older

1. Has anyone had a child with these age gaps ? Does the little one feel

Left out ? ( My 2 are very close friends)

1. Would

I just be getting out of needing wrap around style care and being able to rely on breakfast clubs etc. at school and then I have a baby, is this just complicating matters?

4 has anyone on her had a baby at 40? (I'm sure lots! My cousin had one at 43). Is it much harder?

yes health risks are the biggest risks for you and baby, for you it's loss of quality of life, chronic illness that does not go away, trauma of miscarriage, trauma of delivery, PND, genetic pb, asd. And what not. If you are less healthy you will loose on money and autonomy. There are relationship risks. When it's sunny we never see the clouds coming but this one is a cumulonimbus for quite a while, lack of sleep and pain, lack of time, prioritizing another for a while, it will definitely be a strain in your relationship. Worst ? A change of dynamic in your relationship. I have overlooked a lot of things didn't I.

Last post. It's harder physically but easier mentally. You have more wisdom. More patience. For me that was.

Hi - I had my children at 38 and 41. Between the first and second baby I lost two babies. So that is the risk of having babies at 40. I know this doesn't happen to everyone but the risks are higher.

I am tired always but I put it down to working full time with a baby (youngest is 18 months) and they are continually sick).

Would I change - not for a minute and the youngest is an absolute joy while the eldest is currently boundary pushing all the time!

After the second was born - I would have loved a third - didn't want the baby/pregnancy stage to end but now I realise that I actually wouldn't be able to cope working full time and caring for three little people

thank you everyone.
Obviously, the risk of any complications is huge. I will be 40 by the time the baby is born. The reason we waited was because we wanted the children more settled, more certainty on financial situation (we have saved like mad). I am not pregnant, but I basicaly told myself when i moved jobs that I would wait until i was settled...and then waited and waited and now i fear with the baby ive left it too late. in my dream scenario, i thought i would build a team at work (doing that); then if i still wanted the third, i could look to take a shortened leave, and return full time from home but still from 4 months,. We will always have a nanny as i personally don't like wraparound care, i prefer the kids having variety and coming out of school, and tbh by the time i paid wrap around care for 2 including the school holidays, i may as well pay for a nanny. financially it works out the same, so the benefit of wrap around care for school age kids (my dd2 would be starting school just 3 months after a third could be born all going well). I think the career thing is so hard because I am absolutely the first to recognise that its just a job: they could fire me tomorrow, it could get bought, the role could change, my boss could change etc. I just wanted a good chunk of time under my belt to help me find another job, that was the reasoning not to take too long off. Also, it impacts my financial "package" if i do not take unpaid leave, so i thought i could work from home, and see how it goes. it might not work - and that is a worry.

my biggest concern is:

• preserving relationship: how could we find time for just us


• financials - will it be crippling if i decide to stop working


• any sort of health issue with the child: if im 40 just after the child is born (if i had the child a bit earlier, i could be 39 when it was born, and then about 2 months off being 40), how increased are the risks? how does anyone get comfortable with having children and not worrying about risks. I would take all of the tests I possibly could, but of course there is always a risk isn't there.

I think the "not knowing" and not preparing for any complexities is always hard - if you know, you can prepare the family as much as possible. Of course, it does totally change the situation.

I work and I have 3 kids and the age gaps were similar to yours OP. My kids are older now and working has become a real positive as my older daughters see me as a role model as they are making career and university choices now.

I was younger starting having children and one cautionary piece I would include is the likelihood of AN as maternal age increases. DS our youngest has AN. It is a consideration.

thank you. what is AN?