3 kids and working full time - have i left it too late?

[user4501]

Hiya everyone!
I wanted to ask your thoughts. I am 39, soon 40. I have two kids (g and b) and they are 6 and 4. I always wanted 3, but always wanted them close together. Marriage not being right or finances being uncertain, we never got round to the third and at a really difficult time had to even have a termination very early with one when I was really not on a good place with long Covid and we didn't think our marriage would survive.

I was devastated at that termination and felt really conflicted about wanting to still have another but not at that stage.

Fast forward a few years. I now have just started a new job after being poached at the beginning of the year. It's a real challenge but it's also a dream opportunity. The problem is, I still want to have another baby. I also have bad health anxiet and I'm worried I've left it too late and risks of complications are higher. Also, I don't think my confidence would handle being on maternity leave with a replacement, and then having to return and prove myself again. Financially also it would be a huge loss for us if i took too long off work.. So I'm not sure what to do.

Questions:

1. If I went back early- let's say after 3 or 4 months, how hard is that? Has anyone done that? Am I a. Terrible person for even considering this as it's as though I'm squeezing in a child?

Has anyone gone back this early after a baby? What is it like? Is it impossible
To even consider returning to work? I will be able to work from
Home 3 days a week at least and put off travel until baby is older

1. Has anyone had a child with these age gaps ? Does the little one feel

Left out ? ( My 2 are very close friends)

1. Would

I just be getting out of needing wrap around style care and being able to rely on breakfast clubs etc. at school and then I have a baby, is this just complicating matters?

4 has anyone on her had a baby at 40? (I'm sure lots! My cousin had one at 43). Is it much harder?

thank you, @MotherOfCrocodiles for offering a different view. :)

I was ment to go back off maternity leave when baby was 16 weeks old and I just couldn't do it (not saying those that do are wrong but I thought I could then couldn't)

thanks, @NightOwl101 i did wonder how hard itwould be and whether that would end up happening. its very tough when theyre so young.especially when we had to commute and work away from the home

Since you’re asking for opinions - don’t do it
what makes you think your marriage wouldn’t get rocky again?
what if your dc3 has additional needs?
at 4 & 7 my first 2dc were pretty good and we added dc3 to the mix. It has been fun at times but had j known what I know now….

dcs have become challenging as they get older, mental health issues, emotional support needed:
Having 3 has affected my career, my body and my marriage more than I could’ve expected

thank you, @User0610134049 im sorry to hear it has been challenging. its not easy and who knows whether there would be health issues etc. its all a gamble. and does frighten me that id run the risk of ruining this, but also i suppose its the thought that it would be the complete family i had wanted

Forget about ‘being replaced at work’. You sound like you’re good at your job, you’re a successful woman. Have the baby & take a year off, if that’s what you want. Go back to work full time (with the nanny) & see if you need to scale it back.
WFH gives a much better work/life balance & PP said you can’t work with baby in the other room, well I do most days. My husband or mum look after him or he goes to nursery, i WFH in a (albeit middle not senior) manager role with 3 kids. It can be done.
I may be a less popular opinion as I have 3 kids; but I say go for it, if that’s what you want.

To add another perspective, we originally wanted 3 but I had my second age 39 and found the pregnancy really took a lot from me physically and as a newborn my baby was very high needs, hardly slept, colicky and milk allergy so we had a rough first year and our marriage never really recovered, so baby 3 never happened.

Sometimes we grieve for the life/family we thought we'd have instead of enjoying the family we actually have and accepting them for what they are. It took me a long time to come to terms with how I felt but I'm now certain it was right to stop at 2 and they are the best of friends and we're out of the baby years and can enjoy a lot more adventures.

thank you, @SonSonSon , interesting to hear your thoughts

You've got two presumably health kids, bonus of one of each and you're not in the first flush of reproductive youth. Why roll that dice again? That thinking is why I have two and not three.......

Ok- here are my thoughts as there are some parallels with my own experience:

-Yes, it's perfectly possible to return to work with a 3 or 4 month old. It was what we all did back in the day. In one respect it was easier than taking a long ML because there was absolutely no separation anxiety when leaving them in childcare

• however, physically a short ML is tough on you- I was bf my baby before doing a full days work, still doing night feeds, pumping etc

• nowadays it's not the norm to return so quickly and that might affect how you feel about it. As I say, it was the norm when ML was shorter; it was either return within 3/4 month or give up your work

• I had 3 but I had them closer together. Eldest was 4 when youngest born. I'm not sure I'd want a bigger age gap tbh. Even if it doesn't seem so much at the beginning, I think once the older ones are starting at secondary school, the gap will really show. There'll be very different interests and needs to cater for

• be careful not to fall into the trap of making the older ones feel they need to take responsibility for the little one. That's a risk with a bigger age gap. Let them all be children

-I was also younger than you when I had my third; I was mid 30s. Many women have no problem with a pregnancy at 40 but there's no doubt the risks increase and your energy levels drop

• if you really want 3 - and I knew I did, I always envisaged a family where the kids outnumbered the adults! - then you'll do it. You'll find a way because it will just feel right

• it's impossible to work from home with a child of any age. If you're going to do this, do it properly with childcare in place from the outset

Good luck with your decision!

thank you @missdemeanors you provide some really helpful insight.
@passport123 i totally see your point regarding health issues. i do worry about it. andi would obviously do the amnio as i am older and it higher risk. buti know also that does not rule out everything. it doesnt help my 2 best friends having kids the same time.

if i wasnt going back to work, or i was taking a year off, would both your advice be different?
appreciate everyone taking the time

PROS
3 to 5 months is what is expected when you have a career in my culture. You have to factor in the "what ifs" and be ok with it.
What if you need more time to recover yourself, what if your baby has special needs and later on the line you have to take more time off from work. If you are fine with the addendums at the end of the contract then sign off. If what you will do is similar to what you have done with the first ones you will not find it unfair. I come from a different culture.
If you have support don't be sorry about it. Don't apologize for it, use it.
The kids are not too much apart. Be very watchful of your health and accept that with "age" it does take a little bit more time to recover.
I got all my kids after 30 one at 41.
The child will put a strain on your relationship, for a while.
Make sure your husband is on board and mentally ready for the challenge.
You are not daydreaming about this and you started to draw out what you wanted so it's a possibility. If you both agree, why not?

CONS
You now have it all, the depiction of the perfect family as per societal standards. There is always this hunch to want more. You now have time to develop an intense relationship with your husband, give two or three big pushes to your career.
Your present children will soon have to navigate the teenage years. Just a little time to strengthen your couple and enjoy the bliss before the next step. Maybe is the time to have total gratitude for what you have.

3 kids is not a unicorn, planned carefully it might just work. By now you know what you are doing.

If you weren't going back to work, and financially be fine, then get started tonight. Clock is ticking. Would you be satisfied though ? I don't think so. One year would not be wise. Go for 6 months.
Because of ageism, sexism and the financial crisis. Not a good mixt. Your position would be at risk. IMHO.

thanks everyone. I agree, i think 6 months would be the max. would i be satisfied- well, if i could sustain the quality of life i do now, being able to sign the children up to learn new skills and go to camps and learn musical instruments and play sport, yes of course. but if i had to cut back on it all, then no!

the dream is that i get to wfh, see the baby as much as possible, take it on walks with me to school runs, once a week swimming lessons, maxing out time at the weekends. i know its not ideal. but i would say that my 2 at the moment have 2x working parents, adn get more quality time than a lot of my friends who dont work can give their kids as come the weekend im desperate to spend every moment with them!

Honestly - don’t do it, your post is dancing with red flags that it’s a bad idea -

You have got a great job, got your confidence back , got your marriage ok, got over long covid and got both kids to just about school age.

You are about to enter a new and more fun phase of life- do not fuck that up for everyone - including the kids you have - by heading backwards.

Get a kitten instead. The baby urge will go.

re work - yeah it’s totally possible to head back early. But it’s much easier with 1 than 3 and you have to be a bit of a toughie, I do not think you are a toughie, although even if you were I would say Do. Not. Do. it

@Luredbyapomegranate i see what you are saying
do you think the health risks are the biggest risks? that is what really worries me when i read these responses.
is it weird that i dont want them to get to school age?! i know there is probaby a utiopia the other side of nrsery runs etc but the idea ofno longer having nursery and having them in my bed once a week in the week makes me want to have 3 more children (i wont!) but do you konw what i mean? i get everything you say though. also, i did get 2 bunnies. cute - but didnt scratch the itch of this mad incessant desire to want another child - its literally a head v heart situation i cannot win.

I had my 3rd baby at 40, and he is now coming up to 3 this November. My older 2 were 7 and 4 when he arrived.

They get on really well together as a trio- and are also a big help when needed.

I returned to my senior role after a year, and work 4 days currently, with some evenings here and there too. It helps that my DH is very hands on (& it sounds like yours is too thankfully). I would say- do it re: no3!

It adds another element to the richness of your days, is only a few months out of your career of which you've got many more years in, and children, teenaged, adults all offer different challenges and wonderful opportunities. Go for it!

@user4501 actually if my older two had already been school age then I wouldn't have had a 3rd

Why go back and put yourself through all the baby stuff again just when you're getting your first taste of freedom (and only wraparound care as opposed to all day nursery costs.)

I've never really understood why some people go on to have another when the older kids have got to school age- certainly not women who have a good job to channel their energy into.

You do seem to have a bit of a rose tinted view of it all, pushing the pram on the school run and everything fitting neatly around the baby.

Enjoy the wonderful early school years without a newborn in the mix

i can see how it looks like i have rose tinted glasses and perhaps i do! both my babies were a nightmare and i was really housebound. i suppose i mentioned the walking the baby up to school piece because it would be a way to spend time all together every day, as mornings tend to be when im free vs afternoon/evenings.
this is all really helpful. of course id love ot have one. but i am nervous of health issues etc, with 2 healthy children

NIPT test is none invasive and very good, it's on the NHS.

Goodness, if your first two were nightmare babies that's even less reason to go back to the baby stuff now you have a taste of freedom

Definitely rose tinted glasses with the school runs and swimming lessons, at least with a baby - I’m doing that at the moment w my 9mo and it’s hardly a magical bonding experience. The baby never naps at the right time so is often grumpy, it always seems to be raining or a heatwave, and killing time with a wriggly, restless baby while the bigger kids do activities is a right pita! Plus she loves a strategically timed poonami. There’s loads great about having 3 but juggling all their activities and the school run is not it!

I would give some thought to how a child with SEN might affect your career plans, even more so than a child without. The risks do increase with maternal age so it's definitely worth considering even if you don't then need to put into practice.

My DD has ASD, developmental delay and is non-verbal. She will be going to an (brilliant) SEN school next September and there is no wraparound care on offer. She will be picked up and dropped off each day by taxi and someone will need to be home to meet her. Her school finishes for the day at 2:30pm. There is no after school club and a childminder wouldn't be able to cope with her as well as other children so there's not much in the way of options.

I'm not trying to scare you OP - chances are you would have another baby and he/she would be fine but it's worth considering now as you already know you want to return to your career.

Call it a day. At your age risks rise and pregnancy may be more difficult. Your life is settled, your marriage and job are good and your family life is settled. Why turn everyone's life upside down for the sake of a dream which isn't really a necessity? I think your brain knows your fertility is waning and is pushing you into this dream scenario.

Personally I was determined to be done with kids by the time I was 30 and then devoted myself to my job, but even I had an urge to have a child as 40 loomed. Luckily I'd had a sterilisation at 30!

OP are you pregnant and not wanting to out yourself ? Don't answer I would not out you. But if you are, then you can definitely do better then cope. And yes there is a way. I worked just fine with three. Otherwise I would abstain to go this road. It's extra everything. Not that it would not be fine in the end but it's a lot.