3 kids and working full time - have i left it too late?

[user4501]

Hiya everyone!
I wanted to ask your thoughts. I am 39, soon 40. I have two kids (g and b) and they are 6 and 4. I always wanted 3, but always wanted them close together. Marriage not being right or finances being uncertain, we never got round to the third and at a really difficult time had to even have a termination very early with one when I was really not on a good place with long Covid and we didn't think our marriage would survive.

I was devastated at that termination and felt really conflicted about wanting to still have another but not at that stage.

Fast forward a few years. I now have just started a new job after being poached at the beginning of the year. It's a real challenge but it's also a dream opportunity. The problem is, I still want to have another baby. I also have bad health anxiet and I'm worried I've left it too late and risks of complications are higher. Also, I don't think my confidence would handle being on maternity leave with a replacement, and then having to return and prove myself again. Financially also it would be a huge loss for us if i took too long off work.. So I'm not sure what to do.

Questions:

1. If I went back early- let's say after 3 or 4 months, how hard is that? Has anyone done that? Am I a. Terrible person for even considering this as it's as though I'm squeezing in a child?

Has anyone gone back this early after a baby? What is it like? Is it impossible
To even consider returning to work? I will be able to work from
Home 3 days a week at least and put off travel until baby is older

1. Has anyone had a child with these age gaps ? Does the little one feel

Left out ? ( My 2 are very close friends)

1. Would

I just be getting out of needing wrap around style care and being able to rely on breakfast clubs etc. at school and then I have a baby, is this just complicating matters?

4 has anyone on her had a baby at 40? (I'm sure lots! My cousin had one at 43). Is it much harder?

Don’t do it. Your life is about to get so much simpler and you have a good job. You are in a good place and can work on your marriage or not. The world has enough people.

In your position I wouldn’t be having another.
It is of course going to complicate things. It’s jeopardising a fantastic career opportunity.
The risks to you and the baby do increase as you age.
No one can predict how the third will impact on the dynamics of your family. There will be a minimum age gap of 5 years.
BUT I’ve never wanted more than 2 children.
I’m also very much a head over heart person.
I would also question the stability of your relationship? 18months ago your didn’t think it was going to survive?? What’s changed?

Maybe really ask yourself why you want/need the 3rd child.
If you were going back to work at 3/4 months old and using wrap around care for the others too you’re not really spending those precious years with them as you’ll be working so are you just having a third child for the sake of it?

With the cost of living rising as quick as it is I’d stick to two and therefore no dip in income.

Could it be a possibility to wait another year or two whilst working on your marriage and then try for another and if you struggle you could go down the adoption route if that’s suitable to your situation?

Women everywhere will hate me I know, but this really is a "you can't have it all" situation.

It's baby or career I think. It doesn't sound like you have the capacity to have both, and that's not a failing. It's quite normal I think.

If you had a proven track record at work, rock solid confidence in your abilities, a strong marriage, robust mental health and lots of supportive childcare you could make it work. But even then it would be hard.

I've got 3 kids, mine were 6 and 4 when the 3rd was born. They get on fine, always have done. So you can score that worry off your list at least.

I went back very part time after our 3rd was born and it was fine. I think I did 14 hours over 3 days. But I would have found it hard to do more at first.

You can't work from home with a baby around. You would need someone to take the baby out. Don't imagine you'll be able to concentrate and work hard while they're asleep or someone is looking afterthem in another room. That's not possible.

I sound very negative, I'm sorry. I love having 3 kids, I wouldn't change my decision. If that's what you decide you'll be happy I'm sure. Just less career and money.

thank you everyone.
So.. on the marriage front, I can say we are in a good spot. The early years take its toll on us, and the lack of sleep i really struggle with. the idea is if i go back and keep my foot in the door, i could use some salary to put towards a night nurse to help with that which i guess i never had with the others.
I think you all raise very good points.
I think the upset is - i took this job, as i thought ill go and get pregnant in first few months, then held out more and more knowing i get sickness and wanting to get my feet under the desk (firmly!). its so hard because i wonder sometimes, why can't we have it all? why do we live in a world where we need to sacrifice our career, if we want a family? You are right - its not very easy.
I can't say im not disappointed reading this, but I do know you're voicing what I have acknowledged myself, below the surface :(

Things have moved on in your life but your heart hasn't caught up. Don’t have another baby.

Do you actually want another child or are you just struggling with grieving the loss of the vision you had for your life?

You have certainly presented a very compelling case against any more children. Why not focus on enjoying the life you have rather than messing it up chasing the fantasy life you wished for yourself when you were younger? It is okay to let go of old dreams.

I would wait. It's enough of a gap that the baby will feel different to the others and they already have a good bond. If you wait another year or two that's not going to change. It might mean leaving it to chance a bit. But means you'll be more established in your job.

OTOH you could just start trying and see what happens. It might take longer to conceive this time anyway. In which case the problem will have resolved itself.

re working from home- i always have done with the little ones but we have someone to look after them, and when old enough it could go to a childminder or nursery. We have to have a nanny as it stands because of school holidays and ferrying the kiddos to school when i cant do it.
i do my absolute best to be there for the kids - every assembly, sports day, music show etc im there. i devote my weekends to them and rarely prioritise myself or friends. and I take them to school 3 days a week and put them to bed 3-4 days during the week (then work evenings). we dont have anyone to help with the children - family wise they all live so far away - so no hope of help from the other family members

Waiting also gives you a chance to see if it's something you really want or just grieving those old plans as others have said.

If you stop and look around, you already "have it all" .

thank you everyone. I suppose I didnt see it as "messing up" the life I had dreamed of, but instead completing the picture. I am probably being (obviously being!) extremely idealistic!😞

I just had DC3 at 40 and after or really still with long covid, it was fine although tougher than my previous 2 (older DC are 3 and 6). I am on mat leave from my senior management job but I’ve already decided that I’m going to scale back my career for a bit. I feel like 3 kids was the tipping point for me, but it was in combination with a prior redundancy making me realise my job didn’t love me no matter how much I loved it, plus being very unwell with covid. I will also say that I would really struggle with 3 if I didn’t have a v good partner and co-parent in DH, especially as we have no family support locally. I’m sure it is possible to “have it all” but for me I’m not sure I can be arsed, and having the family I wanted is my priority at the moment.

thank you, it is so good to hear your story and experience. Worst case, I could dial it back. and it may be that I do, I just want to stay at this job for the next 3 years if possible, because of certain opportunities

Why is it always a baby who is shoehorned in and never the job?

always how can I get back to work? And not hope can I get back to my baby?

i can’t possibly leave work for a year and come back to prove myself again they won’t remember me

but we can leave or babies and expect to walk back in with a bond

just backwards

have another baby abs stay with them. It’s the last time you’ll get to have a baby. Don’t think about work just think about the baby

otherwise just forget the baby, focus on your career and your two kids

I was in a similar position to you - had my second at 39 though so was 41 before considering a third. Didn't do it in the end and actually have reduced my hours at the children have got older. I now work 30 hours per week and am generally around most days after school to take children to activities, host play dates, help with homework etc. Oldest is now 10 and about to go to High School. We are contemplating an independent school for him which would not have been possible if we'd had 3. I do occasionally have a pang of regret for not having a third, particularly when my BIL and SIL (whose two older children are very close in age to my two) had a third 2 years ago - but now my niece is a toddler she's quite a handful and I realise that it would have been quite hard work.

Would your dh take shared parental leave to get you all through the first year? Take over primary carer when you go back to work. Might help you both to appreciate each other's roles in the early years of the other dc.

What's even the point in having a 3rd?

Going back to work when baby is 3 months old, having a nanny and a night nurse?

When would you ever parent them?

I went back after 3 months with both of mine but I wasn’t in the UK and that was the maximum I could take. So yes it’s possible, I pumped on my breaks and at lunch. Your issue may be that nurseries in the UK won’t take a baby that young. Nanny may be a better choice. I felt like I missed out on the going to baby groups and meeting other new mums.

All the rest of the time?
4 months mat leave was routine 20 years ago
But
You might have a child with health needs or SEN

I think it would be selfish to have another one at this stage.

My sister did this, with a big gap and working full time. Went back to work after four months. I wanted to and didn't. It was never the right time and I worried about the lack of time I would have for my two kids. I envy my sister a bit still but I couldn't have pulled it off. DH knew this, so was the head to my heart. Tough decision.

Hi Everyone,

thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I am saddened to read judgmental posts. I appreciate that for some of you you cannot see why I would want or need to continue to work. However, for what its worth, I work for both financial security for my children's future, to take the pressure off my OH working around the clock so he can be around the family more, and also for personal fulfilment. I do not love it, and if money were no object of course I wouldn't work. But I am happy to say there is a benefit to working, and I would encourage my daughters to do the same.
In terms of asking me "when I would parent" - I mentioned on a few nights during the week would I set aside money to pay for a night nurse if I was on my knees. Although this was not the point of the question, I could parent in the morning (sometimes I dont start if I work from home until 10 am, at lunch time, also from 6 pm in the evenings where I do not need to be on a work call), Of course I would much prefer to be at home with the children however the life that we have, the need to pay mortgage etc. and the fact I earn a decent salary and worked extremely hard to get here, means it makes sense for us to work.
I do wonder sometimes whether we should challenge non-progressive thought patterns: are we saying if you have a baby your "job" is then to stay at home if your husband can't? is it possible to envisage a world where once settled and physically recovered, we may be able to have multiple children and also both parents working? my cousin in the USA went back to work after 12 weeks and both parents work - should we challenge that any of them are actually "parenting" their children?

.. and to everyone else who responded with their thoughts and opinions and experiences in a non-judgmental way, thank you! I appreciate it🤗

Hi OP, well said, of course you can be a mother and go back to work, people wouldn't be saying this to dads would they?

I have three and work full time in a demanding job. I'm finding it stressful with one in school (short days) and a baby (broken nights) plus the time you spend with them at weekends is more split. But if you have a nanny who can ferry to after school activities etc it would help for sure.

I'm heart over head on this one though and can already see the benefits to my middle one of having a younger sibling. Also if we like I have the family I wanted- it's like everyone is finally here.

And I went back to work after 3 months. It was fine. I actually spend more time with my school age kid than I ever did with her as a baby because we actually both enjoy time together now. Not everyone loves babies and toddlers, doesn't mean you won't be a good parent for the next 50 years of your child's life.