Almost 6YO won’t join in with any classes, at wits end

[Pol771]

My almost 6YO has tried and failed at multiple group activities over the years, with us cancelling many memberships after his complete refusal to get involved.

Lots of people on here recommended to wait until he started school, so we did. Now in Y1, he has improved with getting involved with stuff at school (thank f*ck, yippee!) he now has football at the weekend and swimming lessons…but has refused to join in with both.

swimming- he loves water, he can swim (used to do lessons & got attached to the teacher however he went up a class with a new teacher and now refuses to get in the pool).

football- loves football, plays at home all the time, was excited to join a club but when we got there he got scared and didn’t join in.

I’ve tried;
soft approach (just go and watch, then join in when you feel ready/ I’ll come with you and hold your hand)
hard approach (get involved or I’ll take away ‘X’)
bribery

can someone please help me with deciding HOW I deal with this? I may shelve football but I refuse with swimming as it’s a life skill and he still needs improvement. He won’t tell me what he’s scared of, it’s like he doesn’t know.

is this a sensory thing?

thank you!

Also to add- I was very similar as a child. I think some kids just have that type of personality. I loved to just finish school and have no structured demands afterwards or on weekends- just chill at home and read books, go out with friends to the park, do family bike rides. I just hated clubs! So shouldn’t have been surprised when DS was the same.

I was too, I’m an introvert and preferred my own company and found groups/clubs really exhausting! I never wanted to do any of them.

Threatening to take toys away for not joining in, good grief.

I agree with the why push it? posters, but also there's an element of confidence building/control issues here that might rear their heads later.

Maybe an informal club like cubs where they just get used to being surrounded by children they don't know, taking instructions from an adult who is new to them, might help them. It doesn't matter whether they join in, just being there is enough for their development.

He sounds shy. I'd leave him be. Why does he have to do group activities? Invite his friends to the park on a Saturday morning or something to kick a ball around if he wants to play football. Take him swimming as a family rather than putting him in lessons.

Cripes, he’s 5!!

Maybe he just doesn’t like structured classes? If he’s in school all day, let him chill!

He’s so young. Clubs are supposed to be fun yet you accuse him of failing, which is appalling, and threatening him when he’s either too tired or just doesn’t want to them, which is cruel.

This is very much a you problem not a him problem. Yes swimming is important but it’s not essential at 5 ffs. Chill out, let him be himself. School is plenty tiring, year 1 is a big change from reception, he’s fine. You need to parent the child you have, to accept him as he is. He’s not a project.

Why does he have to do anything? You are creating a problem that is totally in your own head and that will result in him feeling that he is a problem or inadequate in some way. How would you like it if someone who had control of your life kept making you go to different activities and then got stressed about you not going. It's good to offer different possibilities and opportunities but if he doesn't want to try them or continue them leave him be. When you feel calmer about it all you can speak with him and get to know if there's things that make him anxious and also get to know what he does like and enjoy.

I was like this, and my DD too, I supported her choices. She just liked hanging out at home, making things, playing with her toys. She loves sporting activities now, but it took for her to be a teen before that happened.

I hated school. I found it massively stressful all the way through. I went in the 70s so there were no after school clubs. My mum couldn't drive so we couldn't get to a pool . Reading what modern children have to deal with I am glad to have been born when I was. I wanted to go back to the safety of home and relax. The idea of doing a club thing after school would have terrified me. Perhaps your son is an introvert. He's been in a noisy environment for 6 hours and he's had enough. Let him be himself. I like exercise but I'd run a mile from anything that needed a team. Swimming in a group is noisy, wet, cold and stressful. Take him yourself .

My kids were like this. I always expected they'd join in and I wanted to give them lots of opportunities/experiences (and, I'll be honest, have a break!). But it didn't work for my kids at all, and I regret trying to force it and not paying closer attention to what they needed. One child has only just started an activity age 10, the others do a 1:1 music lesson or we spend the money on family activities like bike hire or something. It isn't something he has to do and it sounds very stressful for both of you

Sounds like my youngest - he just hates change. And I recognise it in myself from when I was young, before I learned that you have to face the fear and do it anyway, or you'll never get to have any fun.

I pick my battles, but when I decide I have to win one (because the child does need to do things other than school and home), I make sure I win. Once he's done something a 2-4 times, it's familiar now, and it's not a problem.

This means I have carried him onto a (kids) roller coaster as he whimpered (he had to come, or his older brother couldn't go on - single mum), I've carried him crying into more birthday parties than I can count when he was littler (15 mins later he's having fun with his friends), I actually frogmarched him into his first piano lesson - full on, scruff of the neck walking him in (he's fine now - I stay down in a coffee shop while he goes up to the lesson!), swimming - I just had to force him poolside again, then luckily the swimming teacher could see what was happening and chivvied him in and now that's no problem either. I don't even want to talk about the dentist - but now he's used to our dentist and that's no problem either (thankfully no work has had to be done, I suspect that will be challenging), Flying! After covid he didn't want to get back on a plane because he'd decided he was scared. 2-3 flights holding his hand hard through takeoff and he's chill again now.

Decide if this is something he has to do, then make him. If it's not something he has to do, then don't - and importantly, don't be half-hearted about anything if it's his choice then let it be, if it's your choice then make him - otherwise you're just setting yourself up for hours of negotiations.

This and with peripatetic teachers they should remember not to be too bossy and overstep the mark but often don’t. Big group swimming and football will come into a category of ‘like being at school’ for some kids and not be fun. With the swimming, wait a bit and try a small group or 1 to 1.

They aren't compulsory.
Maybe he just wants to stay home and build Lego.
He's at school 6 hours a day. That's plenty of time to interact with other children.

Honestly, I’d probably try again with the football or other activities when he’s a bit older.

I have 2 kids - my DS cried at anything we tried so has never done clubs (except swimming- non negotiable for us) yet my DD wants to do ALL the clubs! They are polar opposite personalities, DS could never articulate why but I think he just felt completely overwhelmed in group settings with unfamiliar adults & children. He still doesn’t like doing any activities at 14 years old, except the occasional event organised at school.

We persevered with swimming as like you say it’s a life skill & he went from crying every week (he was scared to put his head under) to it suddenly clicking & now he’s like a fish! Lots of swimming for fun as a family helped too.

Why does he have too? It is not mandatory

I'd sack football right off.

Swimming I can see why it's more important. If you can afford 1:1 lessons I'd try that. If you can't, then you just take him weekly to the pool and practice, cos he can swim anyway? Sorted.

Probably tired and is entitled to have a personality. Not everybody has neuro diverse things. They are small people.

Go swimming with him, not lessons. Play football with him without the pressure of a club... jaysus he's only wee and your expectations are so high

So you know he doesn’t enjoy these clubs where he needs to get involved. He doesn’t enjoy joining in the group activities.

So stop it. It’s not helping anyone. He doesn’t want to do it and you are getting that frustrated that he won’t join in and do what you want him to.

Just knock it on the head.

This was my son too. We went swimming as a family every week. At 8 he wanted to get involved with 3 sports clubs.

He can just about swim, I mean. He still needs work and if he fell in water for example he’d struggle, so not there yet.

yes that’s true he’s still so young. My main frustration with swimming is that he was great in his lessons before the school holidays, then after 6 weeks off & a teacher change he suddenly doesn’t want to join in anymore. He used to love it. Just frustrating that’s all

That’s good to know, thank you. Sounds like from all the feedback so far I should let things lie for a while!

Just stop the lessons, none of them are compulsory - its just more pressure for him and you. He is only 6. Build his confidence by having play dates with his mates. They can play football together in the garden!

My DS wasn't interested in any extracurricular activities when he was at primary school and has only now chosen to attend a youth club at 15yrs old.

Your son is an independent person with his own opinions so maybe learn to listen to him?