Almost 6YO won’t join in with any classes, at wits end

[Pol771]

My almost 6YO has tried and failed at multiple group activities over the years, with us cancelling many memberships after his complete refusal to get involved.

Lots of people on here recommended to wait until he started school, so we did. Now in Y1, he has improved with getting involved with stuff at school (thank f*ck, yippee!) he now has football at the weekend and swimming lessons…but has refused to join in with both.

swimming- he loves water, he can swim (used to do lessons & got attached to the teacher however he went up a class with a new teacher and now refuses to get in the pool).

football- loves football, plays at home all the time, was excited to join a club but when we got there he got scared and didn’t join in.

I’ve tried;
soft approach (just go and watch, then join in when you feel ready/ I’ll come with you and hold your hand)
hard approach (get involved or I’ll take away ‘X’)
bribery

can someone please help me with deciding HOW I deal with this? I may shelve football but I refuse with swimming as it’s a life skill and he still needs improvement. He won’t tell me what he’s scared of, it’s like he doesn’t know.

is this a sensory thing?

thank you!

If he can swim, but doesn't enjoy it does he still need to do the lessons?

He’s only 5, he’s very young. Leave him be for another year or so. These activities are not mandatory, if he’s not interested it doesn’t matter. He can swim to an extent so wait another while before you put him back in lessons. Don’t stress him and you out when there’s no need.

My ds didn't really do group activities until about 8 years, after that he was a big fan. Can you not just go swimming with him, he'll improve that way

Why does a child this young need to do this stuff? As he gains confidence he will naturally ask to do more things. It is counter productive to force it. You can take him swimming yourself until he is ready for classes.

Chill out he’s very young. Stop all the extra stuff and revisit in a couple of years.

I had a similar situation with my son (probably around 5 but it's not so dissimilar). I think you need to take the pressure off and drop the activities for now- yes even swimming. That is what we did anyway- he wouldn't get off the bench at football and spent the time clinging onto people or the side at swimming.

Just take a break, let him chill, try again in 6 months. We took a break and just made these things fun and unpressured for a while- football with family in the park, fun swims with family etc. and my now 7 year old is back doing them quite enthusiastically now. With swimming I actually think I pushed it too much at the wrong time and I was ruining his love of it.

Don't stress, it's just not for them.

Just keep taking them swimming, they'll do lessons at school. Although when they are older, maybe the year before they do it at school you can try again.

Why are you insisting he does clubs if he doesn't want to? They aren't mandatory.

Stop trying , take him swimming yourself , go to the park and play football , hire a tennis court and you play . You may find he wants to join clubs when he’s older .

My DS is neurodiverse and he had similar difficulties. Your son is not 'failing' as you describe it. He needs an approach that will work for him - and that may be more support from you. For a 5 yr old, playing football at home is hugely different from a club environment.

This! Why are you so bothered?

He's probably anxious? Maybe feels anxious all week at school so then you get demand refusal outwith those times.

Extra curriculars aren't essential so I'd drop these expectations for a bit longer. Try again in a year or two.

I had a similar child and learnt the hard way to only do pay as you go things! So I worked on swimming skills in a shallow pool with her myself. Climbing wall - pay and go. School clubs when there was ASC at the same time as a fall back option. A day or two of holiday club at the school (familar environment).

She did attend swimming classes at a small friendly pool I found from age 7 to 10 ish (by trying out all of the pools) and is a keen footballer aged 11. But I did lose a LOT of deposits in KS1.

The expectation that DC do these classes is a modern one. Schools are a lot more intense during the week now. Little DC need to decompress.

Extra curricular activities are not a necessity. Some children don't get as much out of them as others and there's no sense in trying to force them into being a personality type that they aren't.

My eldest son was very much like this... and at almost 16 still is. He has friends, he's incredibly high achieving academically and is generally polite and wonderful. Forcing him to partake in activities he's not interested in and won't enjoy wouldn't serve him in any way.

it is no big deal
be careful what you wish for, extra curricular clubs tend to take up a lot of time
there is really no hurry

You can take him swimming yourself.

You might find a 1:1 teacher better as he can build a relationship with them and you won't have the "going up a class" issue.

There are a few around. You might have to hunt a bit.

Most likely he actually doesn't know what the issue is.

But my DC feels very strongly, consciously or unconsciously that she gets organised and bossed around enough in school hours!

My son is 5.5 yo and in Year One. Frankly he is exhausted after school so doesnt do any after school clubs - at weekends he wants to laze about in his Oodie, watch Bluey and play with his toys. He does however go to Squirrels (the one before Beavers as part of Scouting) and enjoys it as it is basically bombing it round the grass, doing a bit of craft or baking and a snack. If he has a wobble about going that week I offer to be a parent helper which they're always grateful for. Just an idea - something less structured than sport or swimming might work.

Oh yes 1-1 is a good shout.

We employed a PT for a bit during one of the lockdowns and DD also had some 1-1 swimming classes a couple of times.

Costs more but you can make a lot of progress in a few sessions.

I really don't think DC learn a lot from group swimming.

5 is so little! I'd save my money and just take him swimming at the weekend and swim for fun. Wait until he shows an interest in something before shelling out on lessons he doesn't enjoy.

What you need to do is adjust your thinking. None of these things are mandatory, they bring him no joy and seem to do nothing for his confidence so why on earth would you persist? He is only small, I would drop everything Take him swimming yourself regularly, this way he will continue to practice and perhaps start lessons when he's a bit older. One to one lessons might suit him better when he gets to 7-8, my SIL found this was best for her child as they found group lessons too overwhelming. He likely won't know/won't be able to explain why he doesn't like them so I wouldn't badger him, just acknowledge what he is telling you and act on it. Let him enjoy playing football as he is, joining a club/team is a very different experience to kicking about at home and can be overwhelming and suck the pleasure out of the actual fun of football. Basically back off, let him enjoy the things he enjoys without forcing him into a club or 'activity', that way his confidence will grow. He may never be one for organised clubs etc and that's OK

If it's that YOU need the break...babysitter! Maybe a 6th form boy willing to do a garden or park kickabout? Young adult sons of friends are good. I've employed them in lieu of breakfast club and as party helpers!

The 1-1 swim coach we used was on the gym staff at the local leisure centre. She was a former elite youth swimmer. Fab girl.

My DS just never got on with any extracurricular activities. We tried swimming, football, scouts, martial arts etc. but he just dreaded all of them.

In the end I realised that it didn’t really matter. We did lots of swimming as a family as it’s an important life skill. But other than that, does it REALLY matter if they’re not doing clubs?

Just stop it.

Do you have a swimming pool at home or other body of water that your child is regularly near unsupervised that is a danger to them? If the answer to that is 'No' then whilst swimming is a life skill at 6 you'll have much more progress taking him regularly yourself and playing games. He may not have a fantastic technique but you can teach him yourself then get some 1:1 lessons in a couple of years when he is old enough to go in the pool independently to improve technique so he has that option and can then move onto try watersports like canoeing and kayaking. He needs to know how to float and to get himself to the side if he falls in. No one needs to know how to do butterfly or breaststroke perfectly unless they are going to compete.

Why does he 'need' to do football. Take him to the park and play games that can build up his eye-foot skills, get different sized balls and practise catching and throwing to build those skills.

If your son isn't a joiner in, in a busy environment then quieter less team involved clubs might be better, rock climbing, archery, cubs, bushcraft.

It is not unusual for some children to just sit and watch for several weeks before they join in. A good instructor will come up to them and teach them where they are and eventually he'll join in.

Turning up so you are the first people there can also be useful.

Full time school can be tiring at that age, I don't understand why you would push him into extra curricular stuff, unless it was a holiday club and you needed to work.

Go for a family swim on Saturday or Sunday .

Why is this an issue?!

Imagining threatening to take something away from a child because they won't get involved with a club (that's supposed to be fun!).

I'd say this is your issue not his. Maybe talk to someone about why this aggravates you so much/why you can't just let it go.

With swimming, if he loves water and can already swim a bit take him yourself so he can build up stamina.