Should I make my young daughter play the violin or let her stop?

[Yogirl1]

So here is the background. My DD has been to a music lessons since she was 2. She used to just attend a 45 minute lesson group lesson every Saturday but this year she started playing violin. This meant having a separate solo and group lesson as well as choir and musicianship. It wasn’t a huge success as the day became very long (she is only 6).

We agreed she could leave the school as a 4 hour day plus 2 hour round trip - due to traffic not distance - was too long for DH as well as DD and not something we want to do for next 5-10 years! We have found a new Saturday school 20 minutes from home and can do choir and musicianship at 9-11 and then have the rest of the day free. She tried the classes recently and loved them so she is excited to be going next year.

The only time they had for a violin lesson was in the evening which means a 20 minute drive each way to the school, which suits us fine as it saves hanging around at the school on a Saturday (something we did enough of this year!)

Trouble is daughter is saying she doesn’t like the violin and wants to play piano. I’ve agreed to piano lessons (at her primary school) next year but l’ve said she is ‘too good to give up violin’ (which she loves to hear) so she has reluctantly agreed to carry on. Playing does happen at home and she loves nothing more than performing her own tunes while stomping around the room and she will practice for 5-10 minutes at a time, but she gets very angry when gets things wrong and complains non-stop about having to ‘stand up’ or that her ‘arm/fingers hurt’ - and then says she wants to stop playing it. She does make some nice sounds and her intonation is pretty good so I think it would be a shame to stop before we have really started.

So - should I ‘encourage’ her for another year with a new teacher/less stressful timetable? I never played a stringed instrument so I’m not sure how long it takes to start to enjoy it and this year has been painful and not at all enjoyable for her. Or should I listen to her and let her stop and hope she misses it and wants to start playing again (or decides she wants to play something else). Does a nearly 7 year old know her own mind or is she just on a steep leaning curve that ‘practice makes perfect’ and I should carry on with the lessons for another year?

Any advice gratefully appreciated. x

If she doesn't enjoy it, why not try something different for a while?

My DD started various instruments when she was 6-10, did them for a year or so, then switched to something different.

She's now retaken up a number of them and is learning them seriously and progress is so much faster and more interesting now.

It did seem a bit odd, but unless you try them, you'll never know what is the right one for you, and 5 minutes in a shop or a 'try an instrument' session isn't really enough.

That's a lot of music you are making her do. But if she doesn't want to do it, why force her. Music should be something she enjoys doing.

DC1 learns the violin but didn't start until year 6. She asked for lessons for it and have always enjoyed it even though she's a bit lazy. I have to remind her to practice but she happy does it. DC has played woodwind and brass and violin sounds no worse than the clarinet and better than brass initially.

Piano and guitar are much quicker to sound vaguely musical. I'm not saying they are easier to learn however. I heard many who said it's slower to gain the exam grades on the piano compared to woodwind and brass.

My DH is a music teacher and he says violin is better for children to start later. When they start too early their fingers are not ready yet/fully formed and it will take them much longer to learn to play nice music. You can achieve the same progress with a 8 year old in 3 months than a 5 year old in a year or more.

why don’t you let her change for now, she can restart in a year or two.

I hear what you are saying but I am not making her do it. She loves choir and musicianship and begged for violin lessons for 2 years. But 4 hours on a Saturday (2 hours of of which were spent waiting around in-between badly timetabled lessons) has rather put her off - she quite rightly wants her Saturday afternoon back for play dates! I just can’t work out if she has had a bad start and having the lesson after school will solve that or if I should just stop… I’m now thinking maybe to stop!

Totally agree… trying out instruments would be best. When I was at school you auditioned for an instrument and if you were lucky you got picked and that was what you played… whether you liked it or not (but then it was free back then).

If she wants to learn piano and is generally musical then piano is a great foundation for most things (she will learn to read both clefs for example), and results will be much quicker and more pleasing at her age.

If she continues very keen on music then picking up a stringed instrument or any second instrument when she's a bit older shouldn't be at all difficult.

I was sacked from learning violin at her age in the 80s and went on to learn piano and cello to a very respectable (and more importantly, enjoyable) level.

Thanks for this. Yes I do think we seem to start them early. I don’t mind her going slow as long as she enjoys it, I honestly just can’t work out if she really doesn’t like it or is just a bit lazy and impatient with her progress (she definitely loves praise and finds being corrected hard to swallow!). I guess I was hoping someone would say “my DC was the same and we did X and that was the right thing to do”!

“Sacked from playing the violin” I love that 😁. I wish she’d chosen the cello… at least then she’d stop moaning about having to stand up!!!

That's so tricky - and both of mine do Saturday school so I understand the commitment. First thing to say is that she is really young, and that none of the musicianship she's done so far, or the violin playing will be 'lost' if she gives up the violin for a while, or forever. She'll have trained her ear, her fingers and learned to read music and those skills are completely transferable to other instruments.

My younger one hadn't started any instruments at that age. She started cello at eight and flute a year earlier. She's about to give up the cello now, though she's a perfectly respectable grade for her age. However, she's going to music school on a first instrument, a bassoon, that she picked up at the age of 10. It uses the same clefs as the cello and she often plays the same music. None of that cello playing time was lost because she won't play string much in future, but it has been transferred into her new instrument.

Perhaps let her try something else - or get a violin teacher in the week or in school if they have one - so she has more time free. Either way, she's made a brilliant start and is well placed to pick up any instruments she fancies in future. But I totally get why she might want less stressful days at 6!

I got one of those old fashioned, no holds barred school reports which said 'ForgetfulCat tries very hard but has absolutely no aptitude for this instrument'. They had a point.

I was not a well co ordinated child and the standing up and wedging a bit of wood under your chin at a weird angle was not in my repertory. Your DD may be the same if she keeps saying it hurts.

If she wanted to consider cello in the future that uses a lot of the string player skills but makes nicer noises to start with and you don't have the whole co ordination issue.

Both my ds’s started the viola age 6. I wasn’t too bothered about them practicing, think we agreed once a week in addition to their weekly lesson at the beginning. One eventually gave up aged 10 but the younger one really started taking to it around age 9 and it’s leading to some amazing experiences for him as a young teenager. I’d encourage her to persevere, but let her practice as she wishes. Let her teacher know it’s hurting as with mine they were able to advise on improving posture / bow hold which seemed to make it physically easier to play.

I'm with @Fishlegs , persevere but don't be too hard on DD insisting on daily practice sessions. It is better she practices often and not very long, especially at her age. It sounds like your DD already has some aptitude if she can stomp along and play a recognizable tune so soon. That's great! Keep up the good work. Music adds so much joy to life !

It perhaps sounds a bit intense for a 6 year old.. just reign it in a bit? I'm in two minds, I at one point wanted to stop piano, my parents bribed me with a beanie baby.. I am so glad they did, I got over the hump and it was enjoyable again, now I'm a pianist and left college with a diploma so it became my career for a bit.

But she is doing a lot, whereas I focused on one instrument, then school and a sport. I found that a bit much at times. As you get older it's hard to fit everything in.

I feel only you know your child enough to know whether it is a temporary hump, or they really don't like it :)

Well you've got it set up now. So maybe give it a try for a term and see where you're at then? The first school sounds quite heavy duty, so maybe a more relaxed approach to violin might be happier. I wouldn't insist long term if she's consistent in saying she wants to stop, but I also did wait a bit for consistence at that age, for starting or stopping anything, to make sure it wasn't just a temporary reaction.

Maybe keep to short bits of practice and make sure she stops, puts her violin down and shakes everything out any time she's getting stiff or sore.

I made my children continue from age 3 to 12 and they practiced every day for 15 mins (sometimes more). Sometimes they would get frustrated/sick of it but the more they improved the happier they were to play. It’s a long game. They are now glad they stuck with it. We are not a musical family, but everyone can learn.

Your Saturdays sound they were painful for everyone so maybe the new schedule will make it all more enjoyable.

Thank you all for your wise words. It's so hard to know when to push a little harder and when to back off!

I think I will send her to do choir/musicianship which is basically 2 hours of fun games on a Saturday morning but I think the mid-week violin lesson might be a mistake! I asked her if she wanted violin lessons next year and she said 'can I say no?' and when I said she could and asked what she didn't like about the violin she said 'plucking and bowing, standing and holding it'. So pretty much everything about it then!!!!! 😂😂
I don't want to commit to a years worth of violin lessons with an unknown teacher (and a 40 minute roundtrip) when she feels like that - so I'll start her on the piano at home over the summer holidays and see how she gets on with that.

She's on the waiting list for violin and piano lessons at school so maybe when her turn comes around she will be eager to get back to it (unlikely!) or maybe try something else (her school are offering group drumming lessons and she's quite keen on that - oh joy!!!).

Thank you all again, you've been most helpful.

Light hearted, but have you read the Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother? Is all about learning violin... a good, amusing read!

I haven’t but I read a few articles about her back in the day. Hard core mama!!! I recall something about making her daughters practice for 6 hours a day… she must have ears of steel (or a sound proof room). I can only aspire to her level of ‘encouragement’ and then fall short! I’m more likely to be found with a copy of ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’!

She's 6.

Let her just be a kid and play on the weekends. Christ.

My nearly 8 year old son plays the violin . To be honest I think learning aged 6 didn’t do him much good. He has made so much better progress as a 7 year old. We persevered but it was really tough and enjoyable for no one.

Perhaps take a break for 6 months and see if she wants to come back to it.

Yes, it was a real shock to the system going from a quick in-out ‘baby’ group lesson to ‘big girl’ lessons taking up 4 hours (mainly due to lots of of hanging around between lessons). I really do think the timetable caused most of the problems. Whether she will want to do it at a later date (or whether she has been put off the violin for life) we will see! I’ll just stick with the stuff she enjoys and wants to do. Helpful to know that your DS is now enjoying it and that it improves with age!

complains non-stop about having to ‘stand up’

Why can’t she sit down while playing? Orchestras don’t stand!

They always make then stand when playing/performing (guess it’s a short lesson not an all day orchestral rehearsal). Maybe to do with posture and technique, maybe to do with building up stamina for solo performances. Someone more knowledgeable than me will have to answer this. I played a wind instrument and always sat down for my 30 minute lesson until I passed G8 and was sent to a professional musician who made me stand for an hour (I nearly passed out!)

I thought I could share our experience (sorry for the long post). DS is also 6 and he started violin lessons when he was 4.5 and loved it since. He plays pretty well now on grade 4 and plays in an intermediate orchestra with much older kids. I'm not trying to boast how wonderful he is ( I do think he is lol) but just to let you know it's possible for a 6 year old to enjoy violin and do well on violin. However like what you're thinking, I'd never make him learn it if he didn't enjoy it. He did have a period when he'll get frustrated if the sound is not right or he can't get the timing or bow direction right. But he still never said he didn't like it will absolutely throw a tantrum if I ever dare to suggest stoping violin, even suggesting taking a break for the day would end up in tears . However we've passed that stage now and he's enjoying it totally and his sound is great and his vibrato makes me jealous (I started learning same time as him). Another girl from our Saturday school similar age is not making much progress in terms of techniques but she's enjoying it so much too. She wouldn't agree when her mum suggested stopping. So I guess what I'm trying to say is if she's not enjoying it it may not be her instrument for now. It's always easier to have child led activities. I do believe a 6-7 year old can tell you what they really like and don't like. It doesn't mean they won't change their mind though. DS used to "hate" piano and would not even let me play the piano. One day his violin teacher said he needed to learn piano to learn theory etc and to go to music college, he took it on board, started piano lessons, still doesn't love it as much as violin but he's making great progress and do enjoy practicing piano once he gets it started.
Please don't take this the wrong way, I completely believe you're trying to do the best for your DD. Sometimes it's so hard to know what is for their best. At least if we follow their desire they'll be happy whatever they decide to learn and they thrive a lot more when they're enjoying it. Even if you pause the violin lesson for now, she might miss it and decide she wants to do it again some time later! Good luck with whatever you decide and hope your little girl happiness and enjoyment in music.