Do we continue with piano or not? In two minds and feeling upset

[Bubblyb00b]

Hi, I really need advice from somebody in the know. I'm feeling a bit stuck with this situation.

My DS10 has been having weekly piano lessons for over two years now. He absolutely loves the lessons, he and his teacher have a lot of fun, improvising and learning to play. He seem to be doing well in the lessons (though he can be distracted and unfocused); his teacher says he has perfect hearing and has talent for improvisation. I also have a drum kit so they sometimes play together. DS can easily knock out a tune with just one finger - he even wrote a song himself. This is the good part.

The bad part is - he refuses to practice on his own, every practice is a struggle, and the progress is incredibly slow. I even had to learn his pieces myself to help him (I have a very limited knowledge of piano, more of this later); but practicing is still a nightmare, tears, bargaining, "I already done it" etc. In over two years, he only got Initial Grade , and even that was with the lowest score possible. I know the other kid who started at the same time is him and she is now getting ready for Grade 2. He on the other hand can barely play, doesn't hold his hands right, slouches, bangs the keys, and generally seems uninterested in being proactive- but says he loves the piano. When I suggest we stop the lessons, he gets very, very upset, starts crying and saying he loves music, loves piano, but hates practicing on his own. And that his teacher is saying he is good, so he must be good. But the reality is - after 2 years or lessons and a huge heap of money we have very little to show for it!!!

I would readily give up and pack this in - but the problem is, I was exactly the same at his age, and my parents stopped my piano when I was around 11. And I regretted it ever since, and blamed them for not forcing me to continue!! I have no idea what to do. I feel sad stopping it, but maybe I should for now and start again if he wants it? Or should I persevere? Or change the teacher, find a more strict one? I want him to be able to play and to make use of his creativity but this situation makes me feel like a failure compared to other mum whos' kid practices every morning before school and even plays in school band.

Any advice would be welcome...

What about videoing his practicing so he feels he is performing for someone. An especially good one could be to share with his teacher. He also gets to watch himself back to correct things like posture.

Right, thanks again.

To answer a few things - I'm in the room when the teacher is there so I know what's going on; I just try to keep quiet.
Teacher is praising my DS because he improvises a lot, picks up thing quickly and generally is doing well in lessons, he plays drums and piano (not really learning drums, just something he does with his teacher as he likes it since I have a drum kit anyway).
I don't push DS and was thinking about the grades in the context of progress.
Teacher is really good, he is fully qualified and does a lot of other music tuition.
Lesson is really 45mins but the teacher usually overruns as he likes "jamming" with my DS.
I already decided what I'm going to do, currently encourage DS to have 5-10 minutes on the piano and praise him a lot, it seem to be going ok.

Thanks for everyone on here, I appreciate your time!

I think if a child wants to progress they will want to practice on their own

Im not sure about that. I really wanted to play well and was frustrated that I couldn’t make the sound I wanted, or play the pieces i wanted to be able to play. I was just far too bone idle to put the work in and relied on being musical to make what I could play, sound as good as possible. I had enough natural talent to get to grade 5 with very minimal and poor quality practice but couldn’t get past that point.

My DB however was also very musical (though he reckons not as musical naturally as I am) but put the hours in and practiced over and over the parts that he struggled with. He could easily practice for 2 or 3 hours after school, then another few hours after a meal and homework. The difference was, he got a scholarship at 14 to the RNCM, and went on to have a fulfilling career in music, and I ended up stuck at grade 5 aged 15, without the technique or will to practice enough to progress further. I gave up lessons and playing completely after GCSEs.

Bubbly. Good luck. Really hope the 5-10 mins with lots of praise carries on helping. The thing to hold on to is that DS enjoys playing and hopefully if he starts to feel that he is making progress and can play more and more interesting pieces, it will encourage him to keep on working. I do think for a lot of kids practicing for 30-45 mins in one go is way too much . I think if my DF had let me do 10 mins and very gradually build up, I’d have been more inclined to keep going. You sound really supportive and that’s really important. I remember my DF saying I had to stay in my room and practice for 45 mins. It just felt never ending to 9 year old me and put me off practising properly from the beginning. Which is sad.

Can he not just play for pleasure? He doesn't have to do the grades on anyone else's schedule and he might change his mind when he's older.
Just let him play for the joy of it x

I wouldn't worry about progression but enjoyment. Loads of kids do extra curricular stuff, swimming, gymnastics etc for fun not because they're going to get gold at the Olympics 😉

Taking the above into account, if my child stayed at level one in swimming for two years, then I’d definitely look at changing pools and teachers!

The advice I was given when two of mine were having lessons was don't call it practice as it is playing. So instead of saying "you have to practice" you say "are you going to play something now" I can't say it was magic but it did change attitudes.

Most extra curricular activities end up being just for fun. I mean unless he’s going to be a musician or study music at university what does it matter? Just let him do the lessons for fun and let him enjoy it. (I did piano up to Grade 8 I think and I’ve never done anything with it, I haven’t even played for 20 years now)!

Hi OP, like many pp, I agree that lessons without practise is a waste. Fifteen minutes a day minimum, every day, like brushing teeth. That shouldn't be a negotiation.

I don't think grades are important, but they can be helpful for some students in that there is a specific goal, especially for the lower grades. Again, it's not necessary but can be a massive sense of achievement.

One thing though, that may seem basic ... does your son actually know how to practise? And what to practise? Could your piano teacher do a lesson exclusively on that subject, and you take notes? So there's a specific structure to follow. And you sit in on the practise (just sit, don't "help").

Good luck, OP.

It’s a tough one when kids don’t want to practise. I’ve been a piano teacher for over 20 years and obviously I’ve come across this. It would be a great idea to get him to choose a piece of music he really loves and use that as a spring board for improving sight reading, learning a few scales and improving general musicianship, . The piece of music can be any genres as look as it isn’t above the level he is currently at. It seems a shame to give up, particularly as he’s really enjoying his lessons with his teacher.

there is another way to look at this. He clearly enjoys music so could do well at music at secondary school, perhaps choosing to do it at gcse. His keyboard skills will put him ahead of many in his secondary lessons. So maybe keep it going at least up to gcse?

@Tamarapiano and @Newgirls - this thread is from last year.

EDITED - sorry, didn’t realise this was an old thread.

Don’t be disheartened.

Early on, it is about building the love of music.

You have said that you are not bothered about grades in themselves, but that you are just worried about lack of progress up the grades being a surrogate for lack of progress. Try not to worry.

Firstly, progress isn’t linear, and progress isn’t uniform. So people can have periods where they seem stuck, and suddenly something clicks, and their progress flies. Also, just because one aspect of his musical progress may not appear to be developing, that doesn’t mean that all aspects of musicianship are also not developing.

Really try not to worry about what grade another child is doing. Working towards a certain grade is not contingent on the child’s ability alone. Some parents may be quite pushy about wanted to see their children collect grades quickly, some children are motivated by exams and seem to need to be working towards one to stay focussed. Some teachers like to take things slower and build other aspects in between grades.

To me, the important thing is that the child has the opportunity to end up as an adult with a love of music and the skills to indulge that. Ideally still actively making music.

i know people who were grade 8 before going to secondary school, and the only music making after that was the bare minimum required by their music scholarship. One of them found his love of music again as a late teenager on another instrument. Another has never played or sang another note and actively avoids music as far as he can.

I realise the frustration, and I understand that there are teachers who may be happy to take your money, but most people aren’t like that, so if the teacher thinks he is progressing, then it’s OK to trust them.