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Extra-curricular activities

Find advice on the best extra curricular activities in secondary schools and primary schools here.

Original poster

12 year old doesn't want to do any activities

51 replies

Spud90 · 15/06/2023 11:25

Does anyone have kids who just don't want to do anything? He's previously done swimming, ninja knights, parkour, guitar, beavers, taekwondo, skateboarding but all ended for one reason or another. He's not sporty and loves his pc too much. I've tried getting him to join STEM club or computer club after school but he's just not interested. I've suggested weekend activities but he says no to them all and I don't want to spend money and my time taking him places and sitting there frustrated that he's not putting any effort in.

Do I just stop nagging him and leave him to it?

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 15/06/2023 11:28

Honestly I'd leave him be - you can encourage but you can't make him want to join in an organised activity! His interests and outlook could well change as he gets older but as the saying goes - you can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink!!

viques · 15/06/2023 11:29

No, you say get your shoes on, we are going for a family walk/ picnic/ free Museum. Doesn’t have to cost money but sitting around isn’t an option. Use the time to chat, often easier if you are side by side doing something else.

britespark1 · 15/06/2023 11:30

Similar situation with my own 12yo DS. The only thing he does is kickboxing once a week and he is essentially made to go as he insisted he started classes when his brother did….. I’ve suggested every possible thing I can think of and he’s just not interested. Seems happy enough so…..

FluffyHamster · 15/06/2023 11:31

How is he at school generally? Does he find it hard or struggle at all?

DS2 never wanted to do any extra-curricular and we later discovered it was because he had dyslexia and was completely knackered managing to get through school every day. Home, his room and his computer was his safe space and his time to properly decompress.

DorisElward · 15/06/2023 11:32

I’m probably in the minority but I insist that my computer geek, non sporty, anti social teens do a sport and music/arts class of their choice at least once a week. They both do a martial art and a musical instrument. If they do this without a fuss then I don’t bug them too hard about screen time or socialising. They actually have learned how to enjoy this over the years. That’s our deal and it works for us. However it was implemented at a much younger age. Might be harder to suddenly start this at 12.

anchara · 15/06/2023 11:38

The lack of exercise would be a concern, and especially as this is around the age (though this applies even more so to girls) that they give up classes and exercise.
I would relay this concern to him and ask what he wants to do. He could even do something like parkrun once a week, just one idea.

One of my children wanted to give up her only dance class as she was finding it boring on reaching teens. I said she could but she should really consider replacing with something else for the exercise benefits. She decided to try running club and wait until she'd done her dance exam to drop the class, but was inspired to continue and go on to do pointe, and now does that plus running!

BeeCucumber · 15/06/2023 11:43

Yes - leave him to it. He will come out the other side after a time and re-engage with the world. Don’t force him to have “fun” or make him do anything he doesn’t want to do.

illiterato · 15/06/2023 11:58

I’d leave him be but make it clear that gaming time is limited so if he doesn’t want to do organised stuff he needs to find something else to do. It’s too easy for gaming to become the default and before you know it they’re doing it 10 hrs a day when not in school.

Minikievs · 15/06/2023 12:07

It may change. My Year 8 DS never wanted to do anything other than sit on his phone / Xbox. Gave up swimming, football, cubs.

However recently I've found tennis and martial arts (1 hour and 45 mins each week respectively) are being attended with minimal (sometimes no) complaining.
He's also just signed up for the gym and is going twice a week with a school friend.
Walks the mile to and from school daily.

So give him time and it might get better.
(I would point out that his phone and Xbox are still his preferred activities by a mile, but at least he's started doing something else too)

eddiemairswife · 15/06/2023 12:08

Thank goodness I was never forced to do 'activities' as a child. Why do so many people on here insist on it? And do people really go on a 'family walk'?

YukoandHiro · 15/06/2023 12:12

eddiemairswife · 15/06/2023 12:08

Thank goodness I was never forced to do 'activities' as a child. Why do so many people on here insist on it? And do people really go on a 'family walk'?

Yes...

What do you do as a family at the weekend when you don't have anything specific planned ?

anchara · 15/06/2023 12:13

eddiemairswife · 15/06/2023 12:08

Thank goodness I was never forced to do 'activities' as a child. Why do so many people on here insist on it? And do people really go on a 'family walk'?

Health benefits and exercise. It is quite important you know.

viques · 15/06/2023 12:13

eddiemairswife · 15/06/2023 12:08

Thank goodness I was never forced to do 'activities' as a child. Why do so many people on here insist on it? And do people really go on a 'family walk'?

Why not? Half an hour walking with your child isn’t exactly taxing anyones parental skills is it? Better than letting them fester in a darkened room .

sadsack78 · 15/06/2023 12:14

I wouldn't push him into joining clubs etc because they can be a bit naff and socially awkward at that age. Team sports can be really intimidating and miserable for kids who aren't into it.

I would try and make sure he gets some physical activity in, outside of team sports and clubs. Go for regular walks somewhere nice if you have the time, or consider getting him an exercise bike for his room if you have the budget and the room in your house. Me and my DH had a mini trampoline for a while when we couldn't afford the gym or a treadmill and it was a really effective way of getting some cardio in without a ton of money or space.That way he can get some exercise in and watch something on his computer or listen to music. I think getting kids in the habit of exercising young sets them up really well for adulthood.

anchara · 15/06/2023 12:15

A gym membership, as mentioned by a pp, is a good suggestion, too.

Lovetotravel123 · 15/06/2023 12:15

I would suggest that the only rule is that he does one sport. He can choose but has to do one.

Needmorelego · 15/06/2023 12:22

I assume he isn’t just sat there staring into space - what is he actually doing at home?
Is he happy and not bored?
That’s the important thing. Leave him be if he seems happy enough.

Topseyt123 · 15/06/2023 12:24

eddiemairswife · 15/06/2023 12:08

Thank goodness I was never forced to do 'activities' as a child. Why do so many people on here insist on it? And do people really go on a 'family walk'?

I totally agree. I would have hated being forced to do "activities" that I didn't want to do at that age. I'd have found it miserable.

I was rather a bookworm and much preferred to stay at home and read (no gaming or internet/tech stuff back then). Once I'd arrived home from school I just wanted to shut the door on everything else. I was in Girl Guides for a short while but really hated it, gave it up and never took up anything else. I just wasn't interested.

Back off and leave him be. Just say that gaming 100% of the time will not be permitted and he must get some fresh air and a little exercise at times.

SaulGoodman1 · 15/06/2023 12:26

Some people just don’t need or want a hobby.

I don’t have any hobbies. I did do a lot of activities as a kid and teen though because I wanted too and asked, not because it was forced.

Before I had kids I’d go to work and then meet up with friends after work for drinks or tea or the cinema twice a week. Then we’d go out on the weekends.

The other nights I’d do my food shopping, cook a nice tea and chill out with a boxset on the sofa or sit in the garden with a nice drink and a book.

Now I have kids I don’t go out for drinks/cinema etc because after work I’m parenting. But on my days off and without baby I’ll pop to a friends house for a cuppa or go shopping.

80% of my friends are the same. A couple attend a class once a week.

Id hate it if I was forced to do bloody karate or play the violin after a day at work! So why would I make a kid?

That being said I wouldn’t allow screen time all day everyday outside of school. I’d allow that for maybe an hour or two before bed to wind down.
Instead id say they can do whatever else they want whether it be reading, seeing mates, playing board games, painting etc.

Minikievs · 15/06/2023 12:34

@SaulGoodman1 But you wouldn't do karate after a day at work as you've done (say) 9 hours of work. Then cooked dinner, tidied round, made packed lunches, put a wash on, popped to the shops. Etc etc etc.

A 12 yo will have done 6 hours at school, with a couple of breaks, and maybe set the table, and put their clothes in the wash basket.

That's the difference.

No one should FORCE their child to do activities, I agree. But at that age, some gentle persuasion is required, otherwise they'll sit gaming from 4pm to 9pm, doing nothing else (caveat, not all kids and not all the time)

70sTomboy · 15/06/2023 12:34

I would say fine, but no more than 1 hr a day screens/ gaming. If he truly wants downtime, it wouldn't be a problem.

SophieinParis · 15/06/2023 12:41

eddiemairswife · 15/06/2023 12:08

Thank goodness I was never forced to do 'activities' as a child. Why do so many people on here insist on it? And do people really go on a 'family walk'?

Err yes..we all walk the dog together. Why wouldn’t we?!
I like a nice walk in the countryside, as does my DH. The dc like it too..so we all go at the same time. I would have thought that’s standard!
And as for activities, I think it’s important to acquire skills and keep active. Otherwise you’re essentially just sitting around reading a book, watching tv or doing chores. I think it gives you confidence that you are actually good at something (besides school work). Teens need a bit of encouragement as they can lack motivation, so I make mine continue with their sports/dance/drama etc.

FatGirlSwim · 15/06/2023 12:52

Some people need the down time. If I’d been in school for six hours I’d have nothing left and extra curricular activities would break me.

Getting out of the house, I’d gently encourage. Fresh air and exercise.

We do do a family walk!! I don’t always insist that my teens join us but quite often they do.

FatGirlSwim · 15/06/2023 12:53

Definitely wouldn’t insist on organised clubs / activities though.

FatGirlSwim · 15/06/2023 12:54

Sitting around reading a book or going for a solitary walk outside of work is exactly what I need, and I’d be miserable if forced to ‘do’ rather than ‘be’. Some people really need a lot more down time.