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Extra-curricular activities

Find advice on the best extra curricular activities in secondary schools and primary schools here.

Original poster

12 year old doesn't want to do any activities

51 replies

Spud90 · 15/06/2023 11:25

Does anyone have kids who just don't want to do anything? He's previously done swimming, ninja knights, parkour, guitar, beavers, taekwondo, skateboarding but all ended for one reason or another. He's not sporty and loves his pc too much. I've tried getting him to join STEM club or computer club after school but he's just not interested. I've suggested weekend activities but he says no to them all and I don't want to spend money and my time taking him places and sitting there frustrated that he's not putting any effort in.

Do I just stop nagging him and leave him to it?

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 15/06/2023 12:55

Warhammer is a great hobby for a gamer - its social but rules based and lots of bits to talk about. You can pop into a shop to find their school holiday sessions

MintJulia · 15/06/2023 12:59

My DS was the same. He just wanted to be left alone to read.

To me, swimming is non-negotiable so he did that, and then grudgingly did an hour's martial art class as well.

He goes to an independent senior school and they are very keen on enrichment activities but he refused. Wouldn't budge for all of years 7-9. Now in Year 10 he has finally agreed to swim some more, just this term, and to do half a term of archery.

It's not a battle to clash over.

CurlewKate · 15/06/2023 12:59

My children are grown up now, and my main regret is making them do things they didn't want to do and weren't absolutely necessary. If I had my time over again, unless they were really unhappy, i'd make them do any sessions I had already paid for, then let them give up. What's the benefit in carrying on doing something you're not enjoying?

DRS1970 · 15/06/2023 13:04

My two sons were never fussed about anything other than gaming. Despite our efforts to encourage them. My daughter on the other hand was the complete opposite. I would just roll with it and not fret.

StillWantingADog · 15/06/2023 13:04

Mine is year 6 but the same. I insist he goes to cubs (soon to be scouts) to get him out the house. Luckily he tolerates that.

it’s very difficult. I mostly leave him to it during the week but try hard to get him out for exercise (long walk or bike ride) at the weekend which he usually grudgingly accepts.

if he had his own way he’s spend all time not at school in front of his pc gaming

CurlewKate · 15/06/2023 13:07

@Spud90 My children are grown up now, and my main regret is making them do things they didn't want to do and weren't absolutely necessary. If I had my time over again, unless they were really unhappy, i'd make them do any sessions I had already paid for, then let them give up. What's the benefit in carrying on doing something you're not enjoying?

StillWantingADog · 15/06/2023 13:07

eddiemairswife · 15/06/2023 12:08

Thank goodness I was never forced to do 'activities' as a child. Why do so many people on here insist on it? And do people really go on a 'family walk'?

Um yes we go on family walks. We don’t even have a dog!

I didn’t think that was unusual! Also do family bike rides. Much cheaper than doing lots of other things as a family.

IBelieveInAThingCalledScience · 15/06/2023 13:12

Depends.

Does he want to stay home to read, interact with others, go out with friends etc.

Or does he want to stay home in front of a screen?

I made it clear to DS that while he's free not to engage in any organised activity, he won't be allowed to play games during all of his free time.

dinmin · 15/06/2023 13:12

Looking through this thread I think you have two options:

He has to do one activity for x hours a week, of his choosing, either organised like a class or not but regular, like gym or running. And you will be relaxed about screen time.

OR

He has a limit on screen time and has to figure out how to fill the rest of his time.

LBFseBrom · 15/06/2023 13:20

I'd leave him to it as long as he had some exercise during the week, eg cycling, walking, maybe swimming occasionally, and ate reasonably healthily. At 12, your son's attitude is not unusual.

Original poster
Spud90 · 15/06/2023 13:40

Thank you all. It's good to see a range of opinions.

I should have mentioned that he's waiting for an ADHD assessment so that could be having an effect but he's happy in school and seems to doing well. He's in high sets but struggles to keep up with the speed as he works slow/gets distracted. It could be that he's decompressing.

We go out on weekends when it's nice weather, usually to national trust places, swimming as a family etc. and he's happy to do that. He usually hangs out with his friends for an hour after school too before he heads home. He really likes the outdoors and being in nature but doesn't want to do scouts. He loves climbing trees and rocks but doesn't want to do climbing walls/bouldering. He has a digital piano and composes music on his pc but doesn't want to do piano lessons. He just doesn't seem to have any motivation for organised clubs and gives up on things/gets bored easily.

I think I'll just leave him be and carry on doing things as a family.

OP posts:
Simianwalk · 15/06/2023 13:45

eddiemairswife · 15/06/2023 12:08

Thank goodness I was never forced to do 'activities' as a child. Why do so many people on here insist on it? And do people really go on a 'family walk'?

We often take the kids off to the peaks, the lakes or the moors for a walk they enjoy it once there even as teenagers!

YADNBU · 15/06/2023 13:49

I'd leave him be.

I have ADHD and my kids are both ND. They've never wanted to do extra curricular stuff and require a huge amount of decompression after coping with school and having to mask all day, so do I!!

I do have hobbies but only have the focus and attention for them in the morning. I exercise at 7am and meet friends for daytime walks or lunches, I'm done by the afternoon/evening I need to decompress.

Original poster
Spud90 · 15/06/2023 14:03

Needmorelego · 15/06/2023 12:22

I assume he isn’t just sat there staring into space - what is he actually doing at home?
Is he happy and not bored?
That’s the important thing. Leave him be if he seems happy enough.

He plays games with his friends, usually roblox or gorilla tag, or if they're not online then he makes games as he taught himself to code or he'll make his own music for his games. He's very happy on his pc, I'm not worried that he's depressed or anything.

I think I struggle with it because I was the same when I was young but I didn't get the option of clubs and we didn't go anywhere as a family either. I was overweight and didn't have anything I was good at which led to very low self esteem.

OP posts:
Minikievs · 15/06/2023 14:13

@Spud90 Given your update, I actually think it sounds like he has lots of interests outside gaming (even if that includes coding) and it does sound like he has a good balance of activities and interests so I'm changing my advice to "he sounds absolutely fine and balanced, leave him be" Smile

Topseyt123 · 15/06/2023 14:28

Your last update sounds as though he does plenty by himself and has some great interests.

He's maybe just not into extremely social and regimented types of clubs such as sports or scouts, which to be honest are not everyone's cup of tea.

He sounds fine and I think you are right to just leave him to get on with it rather than trying to push him towards things he doesn't really want to do.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 15/06/2023 14:33

Spud90 · 15/06/2023 13:40

Thank you all. It's good to see a range of opinions.

I should have mentioned that he's waiting for an ADHD assessment so that could be having an effect but he's happy in school and seems to doing well. He's in high sets but struggles to keep up with the speed as he works slow/gets distracted. It could be that he's decompressing.

We go out on weekends when it's nice weather, usually to national trust places, swimming as a family etc. and he's happy to do that. He usually hangs out with his friends for an hour after school too before he heads home. He really likes the outdoors and being in nature but doesn't want to do scouts. He loves climbing trees and rocks but doesn't want to do climbing walls/bouldering. He has a digital piano and composes music on his pc but doesn't want to do piano lessons. He just doesn't seem to have any motivation for organised clubs and gives up on things/gets bored easily.

I think I'll just leave him be and carry on doing things as a family.

This sounds exactly like both my DS' (18 and 16), both suspected ADHD.
They're happy to hasn't days out, national trust is their 1st pick. But a regular organised activity eg Scouts, football etc? No way.

anchara · 15/06/2023 14:33

We go out on weekends when it's nice weather, usually to national trust places, swimming as a family etc. and he's happy to do that. He usually hangs out with his friends for an hour after school too before he heads home. He really likes the outdoors and being in nature but doesn't want to do scouts. He loves climbing trees and rocks but doesn't want to do climbing walls/bouldering. He has a digital piano and composes music on his pc but doesn't want to do piano lessons. He just doesn't seem to have any motivation for organised clubs and gives up on things/gets bored easily

Your update does give a different slant on things. It does sound like he is active at times, just not in a structured way, which is fine and in this scenario you're probably fine to leave him be.

Mummysatthebodyshop · 15/06/2023 14:43

Minikievs · 15/06/2023 12:34

@SaulGoodman1 But you wouldn't do karate after a day at work as you've done (say) 9 hours of work. Then cooked dinner, tidied round, made packed lunches, put a wash on, popped to the shops. Etc etc etc.

A 12 yo will have done 6 hours at school, with a couple of breaks, and maybe set the table, and put their clothes in the wash basket.

That's the difference.

No one should FORCE their child to do activities, I agree. But at that age, some gentle persuasion is required, otherwise they'll sit gaming from 4pm to 9pm, doing nothing else (caveat, not all kids and not all the time)

People really do exercise before or after a nine hour work day. Even some parents.

Minikievs · 15/06/2023 14:46

Yes I know. I do exactly that, approx 5 days a week.
My response was to a pp saying that they didn't want to do karate (eg) after work so why would a child want to do it.

anchara · 15/06/2023 14:54

People really do exercise before or after a nine hour work day. Even some parents.

Yes I'm one of those, and most people there have come straight from work.

Oblomov23 · 15/06/2023 15:08

Both my boys did football. I don't have any hobbies. I just MN! I have tonnes of time, especially most evenings free post 6pm. I just choose not to. Not a problem to me.

FluffyHamster · 15/06/2023 16:20

@Spud90

I should have mentioned that he's waiting for an ADHD assessment so that could be having an effect but he's happy in school and seems to doing well. He's in high sets but struggles to keep up with the speed as he works slow/gets distracted. It could be that he's decompressing.

Defintely leave him be! Sounds like he has a whole range of interests and gets fresh air etc, but simply isn't into the 'organised fun' activities. This is very common for ND kids. Extra-Curric just feels like more 'school' where they have to put on their 'best self' to fit in, and it can be exhausting!

TheaBrandt · 15/06/2023 16:44

We have friends who over scheduled their kids now they are teens they are struggling socially and not that happy. I don’t think they were ever given the space to just hang out by themselves or with their mates playing.

HauntedPencil · 15/06/2023 20:20

Spud90 · 15/06/2023 13:40

Thank you all. It's good to see a range of opinions.

I should have mentioned that he's waiting for an ADHD assessment so that could be having an effect but he's happy in school and seems to doing well. He's in high sets but struggles to keep up with the speed as he works slow/gets distracted. It could be that he's decompressing.

We go out on weekends when it's nice weather, usually to national trust places, swimming as a family etc. and he's happy to do that. He usually hangs out with his friends for an hour after school too before he heads home. He really likes the outdoors and being in nature but doesn't want to do scouts. He loves climbing trees and rocks but doesn't want to do climbing walls/bouldering. He has a digital piano and composes music on his pc but doesn't want to do piano lessons. He just doesn't seem to have any motivation for organised clubs and gives up on things/gets bored easily.

I think I'll just leave him be and carry on doing things as a family.

To be honest this sounds totally fine - he's not sat on his PC 24/7 at the weekend so I don't think it's a huge issue he isn't into groups if he's coming out with you and seeing friends regularly.