Should I let DS give up DofE bronze

[Odilon]

DS 13, yr 9, summer baby so not 14 until end of the summer term. Also currently undergoing ADHD assessment. School is one of those where DofE is semi compulsory, they do army cadets and DofE combined for one period per week (though this stops next year once they’re onto GCSEs). Only one kid in his year not doing it - don’t know why or what this child does during that period.

Basically we have paid the full fee for Bronze but DS is now saying he doesn’t want to do it at all. They all signed up at school but he’s done basically nothing so far. His skills and physical sections are activities which he would be doing anyway, but despite our best efforts we’ve struggled to find him anything to do for volunteering - people not responding, or saying they only have opportunities over the summer etc - and his dad & I aren’t really enmeshed in the local community enough to know anyone that can help so it’s been super stressful. Even the skills & physical teachers don’t seem interested and I’ve sent multiple emails about them signing him off but never get a reply.

For DS though he is freaking out about the expedition. He’s been put in a group with two friends who are also ND and not really coping with the putting up of tents etc, leaving my DS to do more than his fair share when it’s not something he’s ever done before. We’re not outdoorsy and I have no idea how to help him. I’ve suggested he talk to the teacher about it but apparently she’s said the groups can’t be changed, so he won’t . The fourth boy in the group is apparently ‘very bossy’ (DS’s words) and DS doesn’t like him.

He now says he wants to give it up and has told the teacher this. She told him okay, she can’t force him, but that we have to confirm in writing that we’re happy for him to withdraw because we’ve already paid, but I don’t know what to do. He’s absolutely dreading the walking, the camping overnight, the No Phones rule (which personally I think is crazy) and tbh I’m pretty worried about it as well.

But I’m not keen on him giving things up just because it’s a bit daunting. I don’t think it sets kids up well for life to do that (speaking from my own personal experience) and I think he’ll get a sense of achievement from having completed it even if he doesn’t enjoy it. He’s the kind who would just stay on his phone or computer and never talk to an adult if he could get away with it, so I was keen for him to do this to get out of his comfort zone a bit.

We also can’t really afford to throw away the £150 fee that we’ve paid, but DS says he’d rather get a job and pay us back this money. Which is all well and good but idk what jobs he could do at 13 either (no paper rounds available nearby - I’ve checked) and he’ll barely have time once yr10 starts, with his other extracurriculars as well.

TL;DR - should I force suspected ADHD DS13 to continue with DofE bronze for ‘character building’ reasons and because we’ve already paid, when he doesn’t want to do it and it’s causing me stress? Also - does anyone know, for the overnight camping are the teachers/leaders usually nearby? I’m ok with them walking unsupervised but he feels very young to be camping overnight without adults. Thanks.

Dd struggled through bronze award. Was really pushed by the camping trip.
But she has signed up for silver and her adhd brother is joining her because he thought he missed out.
They are 15.
I think it is because she isn't that sporty, outdoorsy or inclined to volunteer that I want her to do it. It stretches her in ways that school work doesn't.

@Mojoj Um… no, that’s exactly why I’ve been annoyed with him and tried every argument to persuade him to continue. I am passionately against giving up at the first hurdle and have always gone out of my way to insist that he doesn’t do this. However I am trying to weigh this up against his immaturity (if you’d read my post properly you would see he’s several months away from turning 14 - the joint youngest in the year group) and his increasingly apparent difficulties with organisational skills, so it’s not a straightforward call.

Strange that you felt it necessary to quote my entire post back at me and yet were unable to demonstrate this basic level of reading comprehension. Everyone else on here got it.

As I think others have said parkrun is good for volunteering and should accept that age.

DS ended up not completing his because the stubborn sausage refused to complete his online skills training sessions that I had paid for and I learned a valuable lesson about passions having to come from the DC themselves.

In your DS case, I wonder if it's possible to keep going as long as possible and defer making a decision on the camping. If however that's just continuing to make him anxious and upset, I'd let him cancel, but do make him do say 15 hours of extra chores to "pay" you back.

Getting him to pay you back the money seems a bit strange to me. The money has gone, whether he completes it or not.

I think what would be more reasonable would be to explain to him what you hoped he'd achieve from this: personal growth in terms of skills and community engagement; pushing himself outside his comfort zone and persisting through problems; and independently achieving a substantial goal.

Then ask him to problem solve with you how he can still achieve those same things in another way. If he manages to come up with a convincing plan and commits to it then he can quit DoE.

The money's gone now though, so if he wants to organise a hostelling trip with his best friend in a nearby city where a skateboarding competition is taking place, then they'll need to work/save for that (but it will probably be less than £150). Over the summer, he can find a way to volunteer/engage with the community that works for him.

I'd set him timescale to fulfil the plan and have a clear idea from him about exactly what he'll do and how he'll achieve it before agreeing to drop the DoE though.

If he has an option of a different way out, he'll stop panicking and start problem-solving. Although he may decide that completing DoE the traditional way is easier after all

My experience of the expedition is that a teacher is present overnight, it's just the walking they do on their own.

For all those saying the expedition is a horrible thing to be avoided, you should consider that doing things that are hard or not always pleasant is actually character building and can bring unexpected benefits. I went on a horrendous camping/hiking trip once (non D of E), badly organised, awful food, terrible overcrowded tents, pouring rain, etc. The people in my group, who I didn't know well at all beforehand became close friends I have stayed in touch with for 20 years, partly because of the sense of community we had to foster and the sense of achievement we felt by the end.

We get DoE volunteers at my local parkrun.
He'd need to have an adult with him at his age, but depending on the role that could just be another volunteer keeping an eye on him.

Of course you should let him stop

Not sure why this post is suddenly getting traction again but anyway, it's all sorted. I talked to the teacher and got reassurance about a few things that were bothering him and us. The volunteering thing came together at the last minute too. So anyway he's doing it (willingly). He's still nervous about the walk but finally admitted that he'd feel worse if everyone else did it and he was left out. Thanks everyone for the suggestions.

When I did my Bronze (in the dark ages) we stayed in a youth hostel for Bronze and camped for Silver. I have to say if I was leading a group of 14 year olds I'm not sure I'd want to teach them independent camping from scratch at 14 (it's different if you're doing it through Scouts etc.).

I cant believe schools charge so much for Dofe, I run an Army Cadet unit and we charge £27.00 for bronze and silver and £30.00 for gold. £20.00 for exped weekend, with all kit thrown in.

It shouldn't be a big task for him to find volunteering, our cadets help out at the detachment, run the tuck shop or look after the new recruits.

My adhd son did his d of e and faced similar difficulties. It was really good for him. He gained a lot of independence. He didn't actually complete the award as he didn't do the voluntary stuff to completion. But he still gained from it.

Speak to the teacher in charge