DS resisting trumpet practice

[MumwithAspieTraits]

DS is in Year 10 and his teacher is working towards Grade 8. He got a distinction in Grade 6 in late 2020.

His practice has fallen off a lot and I feel partially responsible as he says he is too tired and I say "Aww poor you". I worry that he has pulled the wool over my eyes. Neither of us is musical so it is hard to know the right amount.

DS can be very lippy and has an answer for everything. He says it is too much hard work. He gave me a lot of opinion about how rock music is better than classical music. After a few honest chats with his teacher he is aware he might lose his place as 1st trumpet in the school's premier ensemble. Last year he was in the school pit band playing the West End score for a famous musical so he has let things slide a lot. He used to be the school's star trumpet player.

We are encouraging him to practice at home again - 20 mins to start with then building his stamina up. We put Classic FM on in the car in the school run. What he listens to the rest of the time is up to him.

DS's teacher feels he has the talent to get into a music conservatoire. The first step would be an audition for junior college but we have been advised this is not on the cards for at least a year - even a visit to an open day to look around is fraught with him being "found out" as he would be asked to join in with rehearsals.

Is this normal behaviour for a 15 year old? Will he become more motivated again? Do we continue to motivate him and he will thank us for it later? Anyone else been through this and out the other side?

We have two very musical DC who resisted practice throughout their 'grade' years. DS eventually passed grade 8 voice and saxophone and graduated with a 1st class BMus last year. He is however working in the civil service and keeping music as his hobby. DD stopped at grade 5 horn and voice and is doing a maths/economics based degree but is totally engaged with extracurricular music at university.
Very few people end up making their living at playing music and you need to love it enough to put in the hours.
Your DS has to want to do it himself. Forcing it can be very counterproductive in my experience. Good luck!

I forgot to add that going to hear live music if you have the time will be way better than listening to classic FM which can be a bit bland. You can often get quite cheap tickets for kids ( often not the adults who have to go too though!)

Perhaps something else to bear in mind...

Please don't ever let him think that you will be disappointed in him if he gives up or doesn't get into a conservatoire, he needs to know that you will always be proud of him and support his choices, no matter what path he takes.

Sorry OP, but you can't go pushing him into living your ambitions.

gingersplodgecat: No I have no frustrated ambition to be a musician. I'm a Physicist with Asperger's ;-)

Hmmm I think you are on a hiding to nothing.
I was very talented at my chosen instrument and did my grade 8 age 15. All my teen hobbies revolved around music. I loved it more and more, not less and less. My parents put limits on the times of day I could play, but I could easily play for 3 hours and not tire or lose focus. I sought out difficult exercises, found music in different genres, tried a few new instruments.

And then I realised I still wasn't great enough to pursue music as a career and so I went down an academic route. I am so sad sometimes that I didnt have enough talent. But it was my choice. I can't imagine being forced to play at that age.

I'm very happy in my career now, I get paid well, and life turned out fine.

Let your son decide his own path, he is old enough to take responsibility for what happens next.

I am scared through of him "throwing away" his work over the last four years. I hope that practice will make it more enjoyable, "easier".

I suppose we have to face that he needs to decide whether to drop / pause Grade 8 and eventually lose his place in the bands, or practice, if that is what he wants to do.

Is there a middle way at all, in that he stops preparation for Grade 8 and just focuses on repertoire? The thing that really kept me engaged as a 15 year old was that my teacher was really not focused on exams at all, and just got me to work on a wide variety of more interesting pieces, backed up by the technical exercises I needed to play the pieces.

I did eventually get Grade 8 as all the universities were asking for that, but I was well past the standard by then so actually wasn’t that much work.

My ds (13) never reached very high grades on his clarinet and has mostly stopped practicing.
He still has an hours music lesson a week with his very talented clarinet teacher but mostly focusing on composition and theory.
He spends hours every week making music on various machines ( I'm totally unmusical!) I never have to encourage him, I often have to tell him to stop and go to bed.
There seem to be lots of ways of being involved with music that aren't formal orchestra type things.

calmlakes: your DS sounds just like mine ;-) he loves composition and theory!

I don't mean your ambition, I mean your ambitions for him.

You are in danger of making him feel like a failure.

He's not "throwing away" his work. He hasn't spent the past 4 years training to be a professional musician. He's had years of an enjoyable hobby and achieved a lot. That is an end in itself.

For almost all children who take up a musical instrument, a hobby is all it is (in much the same way it is for classical ballet). For it to be any more than that, not only do they need bucketfuls of talent, they need to want to do it, more than anything else. He doesn't.

taxi4ballet: what an amazing perspective! Really helpful thank you so much xx

@MumwithAspieTraits You are too kind.😊

Remember that old adage:
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

My ds's music teacher says the time ds spent learning his instrument helps him be a better composer so it isn't wasted in that way as well.

But I do understand your concerns and I went through the same thought process you did. Ultimately it isn't up to me to insist on ds's hobbies and no learning is wasted. So I've reached my peace with it.

I also don't think learning an instrument is ever wasted. I'm happy my dd enjoys junior Conservatoire even if she doesn't want to apply for music or be a musician, it's a skill and pleasure for life, we should enjoy learning for its own sake not just for an end purpose. I hope he finds a path he enjoys.

I changed to a very good teacher after grade 5, I did VERY well in grade 6 and 7. And was being heavily pushed to consider music college etc... but I stopped enjoying it. Eventually before my grade 8 I told my parents that either I changed teacher or I gave up completely. Thankfully they listened..... I went to a local, not great but very nice teacher. Did enough to pass my grade 8 and carried on enjoying playing through uni and beyond. It must have been hard for them after all the money and time they had spent supporting my music. But they had already learnt a lesson several years earlier trying to force my talented guitar playing brother to practice and play in front of relatives. He chucked it in and has never done any form of music since 🤷‍♀️ my DD plays violin and we decided from the outset she didn't need to do exams.. but I'm still sweltering waiting for her to come out of orchestra an hours drive from home because she loves it !

You can't push a kid in a direction they don't want to go in. Not at this age.

Is being the "star trumpet player" his dream or yours? Is going on to become trumpet player his dream or your dream?

It's great you have supported your child through these stages and help him achieve so much, but he needs to be allowed to have his own dreams and not just live your dreams for him.

My oldest son played violin for years, got to grade 6, was the "star violinist" in the school performance at 14, but he lost interest in violin and started to find his own musical interest. Realised he liked metal and rock, wanted to learn guitar instead. Taught himself guitar, asked for an electric guitar for his birthday, joined the school rock band, made new friends, left the school band, just enjoys playing it for himself now (or jam a bit with a mate), he's 19 now and at Uni doing something non music related.

He's happy, he still loves music and loves his guitar.

The love of music won't desert your son, but it's time he got a choice in which direction (if any at all) he wants to take his musical talents

Obviously all the above is just my own opinion from my own experience

Good luck

He really loves music. He is constantly composing and arranging and transposing pieces on the piano

Sounds like he prefers the piano!

what does he say when you talk about it? Does he want to go to a music college? Does he want to stop lessons m?

It would be good for him to get his grade 8 and then let him do what he wants and if he wants to stop I'd let him. If he prefers piano/keyboard then he can explore that. Nothing he's learnt through the trumpet will be wasted, it'll be applied to other musical activities. Don't force him to go to conservatoire if it's not what he wants to do. Some of the finest musicians in the country didn't and went to university instead.

He will no doubt go back to it one day even if it's 15-20 years from now.

And doesn't grade 8 get UCAS points so that would be another reason for finishing the job?

My DS did do Grade 8 trumpet although never wanted to carry on with music as a career. But when he went to Uni he stopped playing. Now at 25 he has told us that he hated all the stuff he was forced to learn for exams and wishes he could just have played stuff he enjoyed - probably mostly jazz rather than classical.

Is there a way your DS can channel his talent into music he enjoys rather than having to play pieces he clearly doesn't want to practice.

I really don't understand what you are trying to do here and why.

If your son does not enjoy this anymore why push him to do it?

It is not something that he should be doing just to please you and because you fancy the idea of him having a career in classical music or him being the school's star player...

Let him find something that genuinely interests him and he is more likely to stick to it and enjoy learning.

Music might just be an occasional fun activity for him rather than something he wants to dedicate most of his time to and pursue professionally and there is nothing wrong with that.

You want to give your kid the best start in life and a good work ethic which is understandable but pushing him to fulfil your version of what his life should look like is not the way to go...

Ditch the exams and just let him have fun with it.

Does he actually need grades? I have a DD who is aiming for a career in music - she's G8 level in her first study and G3 in the second... never done a single exam in her first study and frankly I'd rather she wasn't doing them in the second. It doesn't seem to have been an issue that she lacks pieces of paper.

She seems to need music in the same way as needing to breathe and it's more a case of having to drag her off to bed rather than nag her to practice. Although there is a fair degree of nagging her to practice things that the examiners want rather than the things she is actually interested in.

Her school tried to insist that she take exams in her first study as part of her scholarship, but a year on the have ditched the idea and everyone is a lot happier.

You may well fine that his enjoyment comes back when he can just play things he likes.

Hi everyone

Thank you so much for your comments.

What DS really loves is to sit at the computer for hours writing songs, and improvising on the piano. His interests lie in synthwave, rock music, heavy metal and EDM, so not really classical at all. A bit like our tastes in music!

With my Aspie traits I know I am obsessive about finishing jobs. I literally can't sleep until something is finished, and probably am sending those vibes to DS as well. It is this need to finish the job and get Grade 8 rather than see DS the "star performer" which is causing me anxiety. DS on the other hand is a MBTI "P" rather than a "J" like me and does not care about finishing jobs!

We have already let him walk away from swimming and Boys Brigade. Six months later is is back at Boys Brigade by his own volition. I think if he was not in his bands he may not want to pick up the trumpet again, but he would continue to play the piano I think. He can't walk past it without pressing a key. He is proving very difficult to teach as he prefers to tell the piano teacher how it should be played LOL

Just last week he was lead trumpet in a local fair and did a super job after putting in the practice he needed. In the next two weeks he has three big concerts. So lots of pressure there.

He does prefer to sit in front of the computer doing his own thing in music.