Too many activities - how to choose?

[BFrazzled]

Dd is 9yo and has always done lots of extracurricular activities. She is both athletically and musically gifted and I am trying to give her the best chance to develop her talents, but am realising that perhaps there just isn't enough time for everything...

She plays violin and piano, (grade 2 and grade 4) her lessons are in school but both require practice at home. During the lockdown she could practice both daily because her other activities were suspended, but now that things are getting back to normal she practices maybe 4 days a week. In addition to that she is in a swimming club which had now asked her to move to a squad that practices twice a week. Both swimming and music are really important to her and we couldn't make her drop them. We could ask the club to allow her to stay in her previous squad which practiced once a week for a while (but it is not a longterm possibility).

She loves dance and is naturally very good at it - she asked to have dance lessons again after the lockdown ended and we signed her up after a taster session last week. She would have loved to do it more seriously, but obviously this is impossible for now. She did have ballet lessons from age 5 interrupted by the lockdown and the current lessons are modern.

She does football which has now resumed once a week (plus Saturday fixtures), which is mostly of social significance for her, has been doing this for years now, and close to the kids on her team. Weekday evening practices are very convenient for us because they happen in school. Saturday matches however mean that both parents are busy on Saturday morning - one ferrying her from swimming to football and one with other dc. I wish she could do tennis instead of both with her brother on Saturday morning, that would have been much easier on us as a family.

At least she has nothing on Sunday so far (her sibling does...)

We both work full time in demanding (but flexible) jobs. Flexibility is what allowed us to get her to all these activities until now, but as she is getting more serious about her music and her swimming I am feeling that we are on our way to being overwhelmed, nevermind that we have younger children who will soon start to do (more) activities of their own.

Her future career will probably involve music in some shape, perhaps MT, perhaps being a classical musician. I would like her to be a competitive swimmer on some level, just for the experience of doing a competitive sport. Also I think being a good swimmer it is a life long skill.

Does all this sound like definitely too much or is it just post-lockdown blues? What do we drop when she inevitable needs to wants to add more swimming? Does it sound like we are already doing to much or are there other parents like us?

Well having read everything....I'd drop the football. She loves dance, she loves swimming and music practice isn't an inconvenience to you, it's just she needs time to practise at home (if I've understood correctly). Also you said football is more about socialising with her friends rather than any great passion for the sport and she can socialise at other times rather than in a fixed sports club. I'd get rid of that one first personally and see how you go from there.

There are dance competitions, particularly in some genres, but at the end of the day the whole aim of many forms of dance is that it is performed on stage to entertain an audience.

That would make it different from sport, where the goal is to beat the opposition, and it doesn't matter whether it looks ungainly or hard work as long as you win. The best dancers make even the most difficult and challenging moves look effortless.

OP, I would limit your DD's activities to music, and then one physical activity. My choice would be dance, because it brings your DD joy, and it's also because it supports her music studies (sense of rhythm etc.). And honestly, being able to move your body on a dance floor is a great life skill!

I was a competitive swimmer when a child/early teen and the training is ferocious - I'm not sure you're really taking that into consideration. If you want to compete as a swimmer seriously, you're in the pool for a couple of hours most days before or after school. I honestly don't think you can do this AND two instruments.

Why are you so keen on the physical activity being competitive?
She could have targets to meet and beat with music exams or just mastering pieces. Why the desire for something where she has to be 'better' than the opposition?

I think OP is just wishing her DD to meet her maximum potential rather than literally wanting her to compete against others and be better than others?

Anyway, you have my empathy as I also have an all-rounder DS. It wasn't too bad in the beginning as he was really athletic and immersed in sports - the ferrying part was tough but at least his main focus was clear. Then he found music. I became acting like his PA constantly juggling and mapping his schedule.

Like some PPs, I live in an area where multi-talented kids at a very high level are not newsworthy. Some kids manage to carry on an unbelievable amount of multitasking on top of ever-increasing school work. But most kids tend to narrow down eventually. At age 9, I think most multitalented all-rounders are still at a juggling stage. Mine was, though the decision came in a year or so later. DS has chosen music as his thing. I do miss DS the sportsman because I was in it for years. But our life is definitely a lot more manageable.

Lately, I have spotted several comments of parents wishing their DCs to pursue a career in classical music. Honestly, I am surprised. I support DS's dream 100%, I love classical music and would support the industry in every way I can. But it is not what I would actively encourage my own DC to pursue as a future career.

The swimming will ramp up quickly. DD (10) swims 8 times a week (2 of these are 6am swims). Unless you want to commit to that, make sure she’s a competent swimmer and then quietly drop it!!

@InspectorAlleyn

The swimming will ramp up quickly. DD (10) swims 8 times a week (2 of these are 6am swims). Unless you want to commit to that, make sure she’s a competent swimmer and then quietly drop it!!

This is essentially my plan I do hope to find some kind of recreational squad where she can swim weekly once we are no longer able to keep up with the competitive squad requirements.

@TeenMinusTests

Why are you so keen on the physical activity being competitive? She could have targets to meet and beat with music exams or just mastering pieces. Why the desire for something where she has to be 'better' than the opposition?

Good question. First of all she enjoys it, the desire to win makes her work harder. It is not a backstabbing kind of competition, some kids are better some kids are worse and it changes all the time. They remain friends.

I think for a lot of kids competition with a clear benchmark (like swimming times, winning a game, grades) is fun and makes them achieve better. It works the same for adults - you always run faster times in a running race for example than in training. And I think it is a good preparation for real life - to be able to handle competition in a healthy way and perform well under stress.

I feel it is not the same in dance, it has to be more subjective+I am very vary of the possible body image issues as they mature.

The trouble with sporting competition is that you either win or you lose. For some kids it will make them achieve better - as long as they are the ones who win (at least sometimes). For those who are doomed to always be second-best and who know that they are never going to be quite good enough, it can be extremely demoralising.

*I think for a lot of kids competition with a clear benchmark (like swimming times, winning a game, grades) is fun and makes them achieve better...

I feel it is not the same in dance, it has to be more subjective+I am very vary of the possible body image issues as they mature.*

It is relatively easy to benchmark against peers in dance - there are many (highly) selective associate programmes that have a clear pathway into vocational/specialist schools.

However, even though we are fairly far down the pre vocational ballet route with our 10 year old DD, our main criteria for out of school activities is fun. What she may or may not end up doing as adult really is of no consequence!

I also think you are overthinking this.

Interesting thread.I too would challenge the concept that dance is not sport. DD now at uni having enjoyed lots of variety of sport and music activities growing up. She did more dance than everything else. She was in the original Matilda cast and being around professional musicians and the composer inspired her to pursue the music more which is what she is doing now. She also competes with the uni Latin and ballroom dance sport team - clue in the name! Hopefully one of two of your DD hobbies will start to be clearer in her enjoyment talent and dedication.

DD has been swimming competitively for 5 years so I have been to more than enough open meets and championships (involving newbies up to children trying to get to Nationals). In most age groups there are usually just a couple of outstanding swimmers (the sort who will be coached as olympic potentials), the rest are just doing it because they enjoy it.

Yes it is competitive, but children are there to have fun and improve on their "personal bests". They go as a team and cheer as a team, keeping an eye out for teammates that have had a disappointing race. I am sure there are a few bitchy swimmers, but I can't say that I've encountered (m)any.

Better still are the inter-club competitions where they compete as a team. "Deafening" doesn't come close.

When choosing what hobbies to pursue you could do worse than consider "would DC still be able to do this when they are 21/31?"

It's really hard when they have multiple interests and you can see potential in all areas. Pre-lockdown I felt my DD was wiped out by so many after school activities. Some - music and dance - were really coming to the fore with extra opportunities and commitments opening up, so we drew out a very visual timetable of what she was doing and had a look together at what should stay and what should go. We ditched brownies and swimming which really helped with the tiredness. Also looked at her diet and sleep to make sure that wasn't impacting on her. She has at least two nights a week which are just about chilling out and that works brilliantly for her.

Also bear in mind homework will increase in the next year or 2, sooner depending on lockdown catch up activities. So at some point something will have to go as your current schedule isn’t sustainable as you move towards year 7. But it’s important to let your child help make those those decisions.

I also think 9 is far too soon for you to making a decision about a career for her.

Mine is a music and dance scholar at independent school working at high levels in both (2 instruments and singing and 2 dance genres), she also swims (pre lockdown) with her local club for fun and social! But she wants a career in STEM as the opportunities afforded by the school have opened up so many possibilities so talents in music and dance have led to something else. She’s still working towards completing music diplomas (post grade 8 level) on both instruments at the age of 15 and taking vocational ballet exams but we’ve given her the opportunities and then she can make her own choices. She says she’ll be a happy amateur player/performer for the joy of it but her career will be in science.

Also factor in

• music practice will get longer as she progresses
• homework will take considerably longer
• to stay competitive in any hobby will require extra hours each week as they get older.

Re dance and body image, this really isn’t an issue outside elite ballet. In fact, strength and athleticism will take you a long way in some styles, especially when combined with musicality and artistry.

Ideally, the decision on what to focus on should come from your DD.

At 9 it is really hard to make these decisions. As she enjoys everything and would like to do even more!
It generally sorts itself out over time. Often an opportunity to progress in one hobby means decision to drop something else, or decision not to persue an opportunity can also be an end to that hobby.

Been there, done that with DD2(17).

In fact I’m still driving her around 6 days per week, but just for 1 hobby now.

I think you'll find that dance can be fiercely competitive too..
Any of the options (music, dance, swimming, other sports) will eventually become more and more time consuming if your daughter pursues them seriously.

Perhaps the way forward would be to say that you can manage a limited number of activities per week (maybe 4 sessions maximum eg 2 instruments, 1 swim, 1 dance) and she has to choose which to continue. Make it clear that if she feels she has made the wrong choice in 6 months, she can change back. Either she won't miss what she drops, or she will realise that it is what she really wants to do. At this age, a short break will make no difference.

I would love someone do go back 10 or 20 years on Mumsnet and find all the boasters about three Grade 8s at 9 years of age ... and find out what they are doing. I have my suspicions ...

@Moominmammacat

I would love someone do go back 10 or 20 years on Mumsnet and find all the boasters about three Grade 8s at 9 years of age ... and find out what they are doing. I have my suspicions ...

my 3 siblings have five G8s between them (all gained before the age of 15) and a couple of medals (highest mark in country in exam or something of that ilk).

One of them now plays another instrument for fun occasionally (never taken an exam in it), but afaik none of them have picked up or played their respective instruments in over 20 years now.

None of them have jobs remotely involved with music and only one of my nephews/nieces has music lessons and is not particularly interested in it.

I was the non-musical child in my family, but have the kid with a music scholarship who is obsessed and will probably make her career somewhere in that field.

I was the non-musical child in my family, but have the kid with a music scholarship who is obsessed and will probably make her career somewhere in that field.
That's what you think, but see in 20 years...

The dance world is much more mindful of body image issues nowadays, even ‘elite ballet’. Be guided by what your child wants to do. If the idea of a career in musical theatre is coming from her, dropping dance wouldn’t be a very good move, as good professional training courses are fiercely competitive and they are already looking for a ‘triple threat’ performer at auditions.

Hi OP

So it seems you've given your DD lots of opportunities, so she is a jack of all trades rather than a master of 1.

She sounds 'good' at swimming and instruments, but not very good. My DS is 9 and swims 5 times a week plus land training which is quite normal for good club level swimmers. He doesn't have all the other activities your daughter has though.

What I'd say is let her decide. My DS has chosen swimming as a pursuit. He loves it. He lives for the pool which is why he goes so much and hence how he's developed his skill. Other DS likes music and while he has swim lessons, he only goes twice a week and might prefer to concentrate on music as he gets older, but we'll see. Who knows what either will do for their career! Superhero seems flavour of the month right now!

I think your daughter should be the driver behind what she does. If you can't fit it all in, tell her she'll have to choose just two or three things to focus on now.

I'd caution against deciding your daughter's future career age 9. This is for her to decide. Who knows, maybe age 13 she'll decide she wants to be a scientist or astronaut or teacher or nurse or travel the world. Whatever she chooses she be up to her, not you.

You have done well to expose her to lots of options, just ensure you don't push her into any, she's only 9! Allow her time to play, time to dream, sspace to choose her own path.

Ps. I played violin as a kid! Was about grade 4 age 9 I think! Gosh, I had no idea I was good!! I wish I'd read this thread then!! Anyhow, I played in orchestras etc.. enjoyed it all, but my career has nothing to do with music now!

My brother on the other hand played clarinet, piano, guitar and was a chorister. Music was his thing and he has gone roughly in that direction for his career - but he definitely would not have had time to be a competitive swimmer as well as all that music beyond age 11 (not that he'd have wanted to!!! He's not sporty!!) The music took over his life (and that of the whole family - trailing round to concerts, choir practice etc...) Both swimming and top level music become really quite all consuming beyond age 11. Both could be pretty tricky and exhausting (for you all!!)

Personally I find music more time consuming since I still have to supervise practice, whereas with swimming etc I just drop her at the venue and can work while she is there. Music is also more expensive.
Luckily for us both music lessons and a singing lesson happen at school, otherwise the whole thing would be absolutely unsustainable.