Too many activities - how to choose?

[BFrazzled]

Dd is 9yo and has always done lots of extracurricular activities. She is both athletically and musically gifted and I am trying to give her the best chance to develop her talents, but am realising that perhaps there just isn't enough time for everything...

She plays violin and piano, (grade 2 and grade 4) her lessons are in school but both require practice at home. During the lockdown she could practice both daily because her other activities were suspended, but now that things are getting back to normal she practices maybe 4 days a week. In addition to that she is in a swimming club which had now asked her to move to a squad that practices twice a week. Both swimming and music are really important to her and we couldn't make her drop them. We could ask the club to allow her to stay in her previous squad which practiced once a week for a while (but it is not a longterm possibility).

She loves dance and is naturally very good at it - she asked to have dance lessons again after the lockdown ended and we signed her up after a taster session last week. She would have loved to do it more seriously, but obviously this is impossible for now. She did have ballet lessons from age 5 interrupted by the lockdown and the current lessons are modern.

She does football which has now resumed once a week (plus Saturday fixtures), which is mostly of social significance for her, has been doing this for years now, and close to the kids on her team. Weekday evening practices are very convenient for us because they happen in school. Saturday matches however mean that both parents are busy on Saturday morning - one ferrying her from swimming to football and one with other dc. I wish she could do tennis instead of both with her brother on Saturday morning, that would have been much easier on us as a family.

At least she has nothing on Sunday so far (her sibling does...)

We both work full time in demanding (but flexible) jobs. Flexibility is what allowed us to get her to all these activities until now, but as she is getting more serious about her music and her swimming I am feeling that we are on our way to being overwhelmed, nevermind that we have younger children who will soon start to do (more) activities of their own.

Her future career will probably involve music in some shape, perhaps MT, perhaps being a classical musician. I would like her to be a competitive swimmer on some level, just for the experience of doing a competitive sport. Also I think being a good swimmer it is a life long skill.

Does all this sound like definitely too much or is it just post-lockdown blues? What do we drop when she inevitable needs to wants to add more swimming? Does it sound like we are already doing to much or are there other parents like us?

My 9 year old is on Grade 6 in 2 instruments and Grade 5 in a third and I wouldn’t describe him as musically gifted (at all!) because we know quite a few kids his age who have already done 2 grade 8s etc.
So I think you are overthinking it.
My 9 year old does chess, tennis, hockey, cricket, swimming plus his 3 instruments ( and lamda). He is doing well at everything and happy but no prodigy (at all) at anything. I am happy for him to be an all rounder. I think if your DD was eg top 50 nationally etc (eg in swimming) then I would worry how to make her gift work etc (give up other stuff). But to me she just sounds like a happy and talented all rounder and I would be driven by what she likes most. By secondary she should probably specialise in her music (if she still likes it- as plenty give up at that point) and maybe one sport type (eg either dance or swimming). If you want to be really good at either there are plenty of kids out there doing 10 hours plus in each. We live in London amongst lots of pushy parents with money for activities and this is the norm...

I think she is doing too much.

When does she have time to relax at home or with friends or go out for the day with you? When does she have time to just be?

When does family time slot into this chaotic schedule?

She is lucky that you can afford all these clubs as soon as she shows an interest.

A lot of families struggle to afford one club.

How many does her brother do? Does he feel overlooked if he does less?

Personally, if I could afford it, I would limit it to three a week max. One a sport, one music and one other if family life allowed.

It is making my head spin thinking about it.

Thanks for responses!

The reason I said she is musically gifted is because her teachers say so, not because she is grade 4 in an instrument of course. I didn’t expect this or push her towards music, because of her obvious athletic abilities I thought she just will be into sports, but she has proven otherwise. In any case I am happy to hear it doesn’t sound like too much to you(yes, she also does lamda and some other things as part of aftercare activities on school, but this doesn’t require any extra effort from us).

I agree that she doesn’t have too much time to just be by herself during the week. This is also what makes me uneasy. I have to say though that swimming and football aren’t expensive compared to dance and of course the music lessons...

Regarding the swimming, it is great but to compete you have to swim a number of times a week and like jumping in the pool early morning/being Ok with dark, wet cold mornings and waiting around for competitions as there is a lot of waiting time in swimming. I have a talented swimmer but she gave it up competitively because she wanted to do other things too. The best thing about swimming is that the risk of injury is much lower than with many other sports and if you are a musician you have to be careful with your fingers.

Regarding the music, I don’t think there is any rush. I have seen so many kids pushed to peak early in music and the ones who are the best eventually seem to be the ones who still enjoy it at 16 plus when they have the maturity to perfect practice and musical understanding. I think practice 4x per week if it is good practice can be enough to progress nicely.
Some kids are just multitalented like your DD and have lots of energy. I think as long as she is happy (and you are happy) keep going. But sometimes they hit puberty and do a massive you turn and give lots up. I have 4 children and 2 of mine are just like your DD. Multitalented and academic and always wanted to do everything. One of my children is not like that at all so I see the contrast. He just wants quiet time to play (he does well at instruments though as that is in his own time and he is more reserved, less sociable and less ambitious/competitive). So personally I would always be led by the child. If you look at adults it is similar - you have very driven, high energy, competitive types who work long hours and climb mountains in their spare time and you have quieter types/home bodies/less ambitious. I think it is ok.

It sounds to me that the issue is how to juggle all this with family life and your work schedules etc - not really about talent/ambition as the previous pp seems to imply. We have 2 and yes - it is a juggle trying to nurture their talents (and current whims) with our full time jobs and other commitments. You have my sympathy! If there was a way to synchronise Saturday morning activities so one parent could be with both kids and can alternate weeks - that would be what I would go aim for.

It depends on the child as to what is too much.

My middle one could have done back to back activities every evening and still asked for more. Time and travelling between them is what would have limited her at that age. In her midteens she dropped most because she needed the time to herself.
My youngest would find doing something every night too much at that age, now a teen (out of covid) his favourite one he does 3 times a week (9 hours) and is hoping to make it 4 from September. (and no it isn't football!)
My eldest was in the middle, liked to do a number of different things but also needed her own time, but continued with all her activities throughout school life.

Her future career will probably involve music in some shape, perhaps MT, perhaps being a classical musician. I would like her to be a competitive swimmer on some level, just for the experience of doing a competitive sport. Also I think being a good swimmer it is a life long skill
But this is what stands out to me. It's about what you think and what you want. You need to be looking at what she wants, but also making her aware that if she does one thing it may limit what else she does.

Does she genuinely want to do competitive swimming? Yes. Great. But make it clear that if she is no longer enjoying it then she can pull out.
Is she aware that is she does competitive swimming there's other things she won't have time for? Make sure she's aware of that.

The other thing that stands out is that you have another child who also does lots of activities and younger ones. Is it going to get to the point that you have to say to the younger ones that they can't have the same opportunities as the older ones because you're too busy with the older ones? If that's the case you need to think about the effect that will have on them. I remember my youngest saying once "my life is just taking my silly sisters to silly activities"
That wasn't actually true, but four nights a week (we had a rule that nothing touched Mondays!) he had to go with me to take and meet at least one of his sisters from something. Even with shared lifts there was normally something. And from his point of view that meant him being dragged out from the house twice in an evening to go to something with no benefit for him.
That period didn't last long because his eldest sister was very shortly old enough to stay and look after him, so that reduced them down a lot. But it did make me aware and then when he wanted to do things (which actually wasn't much) I made sure that I could sort it.

As an outsider, I'd say drop the swimming, as reading threads on here it quickly becomes all consuming for both the swimmer and the rest of the family. Fine if you neither have siblings nor other hobbies, but not otherwise.

It is way to soon (for you) to start deciding what her future career will be! It's great that she enjoys so many different things, but let her carry on enjoying them rather than mapping out her life.

When she starts secondary, she will have less free time with homework etc, so that will probably be the time to start dropping the things she wants to. Of course, you may find things get more complicated with various school orchestras and it sports teams!

She will also discover a whole range of new academic subjects at secondary which will give lots of options for future careers 😉

If you want her to be a competitive swimmer she is going to have to train a lot more than twice a week at some point. When my DS was 9 he was in a swim club and was swimming 5 times a week minimum plus land training sessions on top. If you think twice weekly swimming alongside the instruments is too much already then she isn't going to be able to continue with both to the level you want.

I'm a bit concerned you have her future career mapped out already

Music and swimming seem to be the strongest hobbies mentioned. However, swimming seems to be your choice not her.

I would drop the dance, you don’t need another physical activity.

Football seems okay at the moment.

What does she want to do?

You mention possible long term aim of going into music or musical theatre so the sensible thing would be to put time and effort into these activities that would include potentially quite a lot of dance.It however seems she is a talented swimmer and you like the idea of her achieving something at a high level here. You may at some stage need to prioritise one or two activities even if you are able to continue the others alongside.

@Sunnyfreezesushi

My 9 year old is on Grade 6 in 2 instruments and Grade 5 in a third and I wouldn’t describe him as musically gifted (at all!) because we know quite a few kids his age who have already done 2 grade 8s etc. So I think you are overthinking it. My 9 year old does chess, tennis, hockey, cricket, swimming plus his 3 instruments ( and lamda). He is doing well at everything and happy but no prodigy (at all) at anything. I am happy for him to be an all rounder. I think if your DD was eg top 50 nationally etc (eg in swimming) then I would worry how to make her gift work etc (give up other stuff). But to me she just sounds like a happy and talented all rounder and I would be driven by what she likes most. By secondary she should probably specialise in her music (if she still likes it- as plenty give up at that point) and maybe one sport type (eg either dance or swimming). If you want to be really good at either there are plenty of kids out there doing 10 hours plus in each. We live in London amongst lots of pushy parents with money for activities and this is the norm...

Bollocks do you. Achieving Grade 8 in an instrument under age 12 is usually a newsworthy achievement. There is no way you know 'several' 9yos with multiple grade 8s. Either parents are lying, or you are. Which is really unhelpful to the OP.

@Notnowbarry - nobody’s lying. One of my children has a music scholarship at a selective independent school (she is distinctively average there, musically speaking) and we have several friends who are musicians with very talented children and know several children who go to the selective London orchestras as well. So in fact, I do personally know children who had grade 8s in eg violin/viola/cello etc and piano by Year 5. We also know children doing competitive swimming with national rankings, elite ballet etc. (slightly older) There are lots of very talented children but only a fraction will make it professionally in the long run. So my point is let them explore and enjoy at a young age if they are multitalented. Children who have mastered an extracurricular activity at a young age can often bore of it later in life. There is the argument that if they are extremely talented to push them in just that skill but I believe that can put them off in the long run. Especially in music there is a strong argument to plod along at a nice and steady pace and if they really are that into it, it will come from them in their mid teens. In sports, kids can hit a physical barrier too with e.g. height/injury etc.

I would drop the swimming too. Re music, do you actually want her to have the life of a musician? I know professional musicians and it isn't a life I'd want for my kids. It's nice that she's good, but one glance at mumsnet will tell you that there are tonnes of kids further ahead. I'd also leave off the dance too. Great for kids to be fit and challenged but for girls especially we focus on stuff that are unlikely to turn into careers and certainly not well-paid ones.

[quote Sunnyfreezesushi]@Notnowbarry - nobody’s lying. One of my children has a music scholarship at a selective independent school (she is distinctively average there, musically speaking) and we have several friends who are musicians with very talented children and know several children who go to the selective London orchestras as well. So in fact, I do personally know children who had grade 8s in eg violin/viola/cello etc and piano by Year 5. We also know children doing competitive swimming with national rankings, elite ballet etc. (slightly older) There are lots of very talented children but only a fraction will make it professionally in the long run. So my point is let them explore and enjoy at a young age if they are multitalented. Children who have mastered an extracurricular activity at a young age can often bore of it later in life. There is the argument that if they are extremely talented to push them in just that skill but I believe that can put them off in the long run. Especially in music there is a strong argument to plod along at a nice and steady pace and if they really are that into it, it will come from them in their mid teens. In sports, kids can hit a physical barrier too with e.g. height/injury etc.[/quote]

If you're talking about Purcell or similar, you mean prodigy not gifted. Grade 8 under 12 is prodigy level, not just G&T. Grade 5 before secondary is Gifted.

So still, not helpful. You're comparing children who attend a specialist music college where their whole lives revolve around their instruments, to a normal 9yo.

My DS started at a private school in Y6 - not a music specialist, but strong in music with good scholarships. There were 2 or 3 out of the 45 who started with G8 in one instrument and G6+ on another. More joined in Y7. I don't think it's unheard of.

You're comparing children who attend a specialist music college where their whole lives revolve around their instruments, to a normal 9yo.

Yes but that is who the 'normal' 9 year old will be competing against in the job market if that is what she decides she wants to do. Its like my competitive swimmer, he is very good for a 'normal' child but he will have to compete against children who are currently at specialist boarding schools where swimming is their entire focus if he wants to get anywhere with it. Its just the way of the world with the exception of very few people there is always someone (or quite a few someones) better than you.

This thread has been derailed with all the arguing about music grades!!

So back to the question the OP asked...

At the moment, it doesn't sound like a ridiculous amount, I did a similar amount (gymnastics, ballet, violin, piano, swimming, brownies) and I was 9 in the nineties. As I got older, I focussed more on music and swimming but still had about the same volume.

I think you're probably ok for now, but will need to revisit if the swimming jumps up (even mediocre club swimmers - like me - end up swimming 4x a week) and when she moves to high school and there is more homework.

I suspect it feels like an overwhelming amount because of lockdown, my DS only does two activities and even that feels like a lot at the moment. Is there anyway there could be a phased return? Maybe postpone moving up swimming groups until September?

Dd does also have a music scholarship by the way. There are a few kids way ahead of her in terms of grades that we know but this really doesn’t bother me - she started later than them, and she will get there if she remains interested, which I think she will. I am just trying to clarify that this isn’t my idea or dream that she must be a musician, she just seems to be a natural and I would hate it to go to waste.

I tried to drop dance but it really gives her joy.

There is no way she is attending a specialist swimming school though so clearly she isn’t Olympic material :)

Thanks for all your thoughts though - they do help!

@ifyougetthechancedoit yes, I suspect it is connected to lockdown and having a semblance of balanced life for a year so questioning my life choices :D
Good to know some did/do the same amount here.

Would she consider dropping the swimming for dance? If she’s athletic, she may excel at the dancing. Or do you think you’ve invested too much time (and money) in the swimming to give it up?

Have you asked what she wants to do? Does she want to do Football and swimming (two competitive sports?)
With her musical scholarship, will she soon be expected to join an orchestra?

I remember my life around a similar age. Monday nights swimming. Tuesday athletics. Wednesday swimming. Thursday athletics. Friday Guides. Saturday early morning swimming, then music school. Plus two instruments, music theory practice, and homework. If you asked me, I enjoyed it. I was also exhausted. I was so much happier after dropping the swimming (periods were the excuse, but it was a general feeling of being overwhelmed as everything was wanting more).

We're limiting our children to three activities each at the moment, plus school clubs if they are interested. But keeping a close eye on them.

I really don’t think we invested too much in swimming (where she is is really just the very beginning of competitive swimming) to quit, just want her to do a real sport to some level. Doing purely dance puts me off because of the possibility of developing unhealthy body image which is not likely with swimming.

Yes she will join junior orchestra when it resumes hopefully next year.
I do wonder how it all will look then.

In regards to what she wants - yeah she wants to do them all. If she wanted to drop anything I would.