Upset by parents I helped

[Elbowedout]

NC to avoid outing. Sorry this may be long.
My DD (14) has been competing in her sport since she was 9. She is not outstanding but she is pretty good. A new girl of similar age joined our club last year. She was fairly inexperienced but clearly talented. Her parents didn't have much idea about the sport. The girls get on quite well and the parents seemed nice enough so I kind of took them under my wing, explained a lot of stuff to them, gave them the heads up whenever I heard about a training opportunity or competition that might be of interest and that kind of thing.
Then this Spring I was taken seriously ill and unable to take my DD to a lot of training and events. I asked the other girl's parents for lifts a few times but there was always an excuse why they couldn't help. It felt a bit weird, given they live close by whereas other parents from further away were willing to pick up DD. Plus their attitude changed a bit and they started being a little less friendly in general.But the reasons given were always legitimate sounding so I put it down to bad luck.
A couple of weeks ago both girls were invited to join a regional training squad. It is a smallish sport and we live in a geographically large region so the training would involve a lot of travel and it is on a school night. If I was well, I might have considered it but I told my DD I really didn't think we could manage it and she took it quite well. The other Mum told me that she felt the same and they weren't going either.
Which was all fine. Until today I was told by a reliable third party that the other girl is actually going after all. Not only that, but she has attended some other events that they had told me they weren't going to over the last couple of months.
I am gutted on my DD's behalf, and feel quite betrayed to be honest. I have been generous with my knowledge of the sport and before I was ill I offered a lot of help to their DD, as has my DD. I can't come up with any other rational explanation for their behaviour other than that it is deliberate to give their child an advantage over mine. Their girl has become the coaches' favourite too. My DD has accepted it all and is always complimentary about her friend. She is talented and has exactly the right physical attributes for the sport. They really don't need to resort to this kind of thing.
I don't know what to do now. I can't get my DD to the training independently and I don't feel like I can ask them for lifts. They have made it clear that they don't want to help us. They will literally be driving across the end of our road on their way and they know DD wanted to go even though I had reservations. If it was a one off I could perhaps believe that they didn't ask because I has said I was concerned about the late nights, but with all the other stuff I am struggling to see the best in them right now.
I am not sure what I want from this post to be truthful. I considered putting it in AIBU to gauge if my reaction is rational, but I am feeling so upset about it all I couldn't face the probable savaging. Hoping people might be kinder here.
Do I say anything to them? Do I let my DD know or just leave it and see if her friend says anything?
I feel so rubbish. I felt I letting my DD down by not being able to get her there initially but somehow the fact her friend couldn't go either made it seem less bad. Now she is the only one left out and we have been deceived as well. By people we helped and I thought were friends.
I know it isn't the end of the world but on top of the generally crappy time we've been having with my health and following on from that, finances, it really feels like we are being kicked when we are down.

That's tough, OP. And sounds like she was trying to rub it in. I'm so sorry.

I'm in the US, so it's early here!

@Elbowedout I don't know why some people are so vile. Same as you in our sport any newbie comes along and most parents help and support the kids and them.

But there is always one overly competitive parent who wants to drag it down.

I think you need to switch it in your head. Stop thinking "What have I done?" Think instead "Poor parent that unhappy that they have to make me feel bad".

You haven't done anything and probably because you're ill at the moment, letting them get to you more than normal.

Sad sad individual!

Them not you!

gosh that is horrible of her. Just because she can't attend these other training sessions doesn't mean her talent and hard work won't still take her far. In the past there wasn't all this centralised training for most sports and local coaches managed perfectly well to bring out the best in people.

I would feel the same as you x

This isn't my world at all, but when reading your OP my thought wasn't that they did it maliciously to give their daughter an advantage on yours. I interpreted it that they didn't want the long-term commitment of giving your daughter a lift.

It's not particularly kind given your circumstances, but I think a lot of people would feel like that, especially since they haven't known you or your DD long. From their pov, you'd already asked for lifts several times, perhaps not taking the hint that they weren't willing to do car shares, and now you would be wanting a regular favour.

I'm not saying they were right to think that way - but how often do we see CF threads on here about people being stuck giving lifts long term after an initial good deed.

TBH, when I read your first post, you did come across as a bit of a know it all regarding the other girl and parent. You were obviously being helpful in your mind, but the other parent may not have seen it as that. Maybe her DD doesn't get on so well with your DD in reality? Maybe giving your DD lifts here there and everywhere isn't something they want to do for lots of reasons. Rather than telling you this, they've fobbed you off, maybe because they didn't want to upset you and holed you'd take the hint?
You've then gone on to send them a long text message in order to catch them out in a lie. Maybe they already knew that you knew their DD had gone to the training? That might explain their initial brief response followed by a lengthier one. And in the end it just might be true that their DD is indeed far more talented than you give her credit for, hence the comment about being surrounded by excellence.

Or she might just be a cow 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

I've encountered similar with competitive parents. They are horrid. Can you get your daughter to someone nearish to get a lift? So you don't have to go all the way to training but a bit of the way? Don't expect any decent behaviour from child's parents - they're self-absorbed &%%!

I disagree with Mindy's CF interpretation. In most CF cases, the OP is being inconvenienced in some way by the request, and the CF could generally find another solution rather than continue to burden the OP. In this case, it really is the only option and they drive right past her road end so it would not cost them any time or money to do this, in fact it could even save them some if OP offered some petrol money.

Honestly in your position I would call out this idiot parent and then block them.

Gosh she sounds awful....

But you can sit at home and know you've been the better, nicer person and you'd never dream of behaving in such an horrid manner. You should also be proud that your DD seems to have benefitted a lot from you and your parenting, and sounds like a lovely, kind girl.

Block the other parent now and move on. As you said, as long as your dd is happy then that's all that really matters.

Sheesh! Competitive sporting parents are a breed unto themselves.

We had a similar experience when DD was at school. We challenged the other parents and it resulted in DD being ostracised from a particular friendship group for quite some time. It was shit.

The other parents even went to the trouble of inviting us to what we thought was a big party but turned out to be just us, to gloat about something they had done to get their DD in a better position than ours.

Honestly looking back I can hardly believe it.

Hope you find a way of getting your DD to training.

Honestly, they sound mean but I'd reply saying how glad you are that her daughter is enjoying it and that your daughter will meet her at the end of the road for the next session now I know you are going. Followed by profuse thanks and saying how relived you are they won't be missing out. If they say no you have proof they are worse than mean but know you tried for your daughter.

Wow. Some people are just horrible human beings. Sadly, these people are just that.

I firmly believe it will come back to bite them one day.

So mean of them Op. Worth trying @Disfordarkchocolate maybe - she's opened the way for that given the message she sent you.

She wins the b*$ch competition.

@Elbowedout be sure to discuss this with the organisers at the first opportunity. It would be astonishing if they wouldn't want to know that there are parents nobbling kids who should be involved at that level. They look at the bigger picture, not just their own little princess & want the best coming up.
Don't be reluctant to tell them that the other parent refuses to assist with lifts even though she practically passes your door to get to & from the sessions.
That a child/her parents most definitely aren't "team players" is relevant to them.

She sounds really venomous.

I would do everything I could not to contact her again.

You’re so right that it’s better for your daughter to be surrounded by kindness than excellence.

I would definitely let the organisers know that you were keen for your daughter to attend but too ill to take her yourself and unfortunately nobody in the area is able/willing to give her a lift. They can make of that what they will.

Your daughter is probably better off not going anywhere with them, they sound the kind of people who would do a really good job of destroying her confidence in order to further their own daughters chances.

CalamityJune I didn't say the OP was a CF. I just suspect the other parents wanted to avoid getting drawn into a long-term arrangement, and I think it's fair enough tbh. Maybe not particularly kind or generous, but they're probably busy and they're under no obligation to figure the OP's DD into their plans.

No, i realise that you're suggesting they are worried about being stuck in a situation and feeling taken advantage of in the long term but as I said it's not really putting them out at all. Had she lived on the other side of town or something then fair enough but to me I think this really is no skin off their nose and as I say could even benefit them if OP split the cost. If for any reason they couldn't go one week, well then OPs daughter couldn't go either.

I expect that if OP had been in a position to drive they'd have ended up doing alternate weeks as they'd end up following eachother home.

You're right in that they don't owe anybody anything, but I think it is mean spirited when they know that they could so easily enable OPs daughter to participate too.

@EileenAlanna I have thought of that but I don't want to reflect negatively on their child. She is good, and none of this is her fault. I think I would be as bad as them if I said anything that I knew might be detrimental to her.
We are actually at an event this weekend (my DH is home so for once I don't need to look for help from anyone) and if the powers that be directly ask me why DD is not doing the training I will explain that I have been unable to sort transport. They can make of that what they will. They know where we live. I won't lie but I won't give details.
Whilst I am really very upset about this and do need to vent some anger, I would never do anything in real life to deliberately make them look bad or try to put their DD in a bad light.
I am hoping to be able to drive again after Christmas so maybe we can think again then. It is what it is. I was just upset yesterday when I got the message but there is no point in dwelling on it. I think I may have to block her on social media though as I am not good enough to be able to see all the "woo, look at DD go!" posts without getting upset. If she really needs me for anything she can text or phone.

We don't know that it's not really putting them out. We don't know if they're running tight for time after work and don't have the five minutes to swing by OP's. We don't know if it's the only time the DD gets alone with a parent during the week and they enjoy the quality time for a chat. We don't know if they're already stuck in a bunch of other lift shares for other children and/or hobbies, or if they've been burned before and swore never again.

It may well be a bit mean spirited, and they're certainly not generous. But we don't know that it's any worse than that. Supposing that it's because of some nefarious competitive spirit rather than just an overly full diary is also a bit mean spirited.

AIBU - my DD has recently started a new hobby and it seems she has a bit of an aptitude for it. One of the other families seems to have latched on to us a little, they have more experience and I think they're enjoying playing the expert. This was fine, and in fairness some of the information was very useful. However, there then came numerous requests for lifts. We genuinely couldn't help the first couple of times, but the requests kept coming so I tried to back off a bit.

The problem now is that both girls have been offered an opportunity with a regional squad. It's a fair drive away, and unfortunately the other mum now can't drive due to ill health. I know they'll expect us to give the DD a lift, but to be frank, I just don't want to. I'm busy enough with work and children as it is, and it's going to be enough of a struggle to get DD there. I just don't want to add the mental load of bringing the other girl too, especially since we're trying to withdraw from the friendship a bit.

WIBU just to not mention DD joining the squad and hope the whole thing blows over?

Again, not generous, but not malicious either. And certainly not aimed at gaining some competitive advantage over OP's daughter.

Like I said, not my world, and maybe this does happen all the time. It just doesn't seem the most likely explanation.

Perhaps the mum has previously given lifts to other children in the past and found people took advantage so has a no lift giving policy? Although given your update where she raves about the training it seems unlikely. Hoping you are able to drive soon

Honestly, they sound mean but I'd reply saying how glad you are that her daughter is enjoying it and that your daughter will meet her at the end of the road for the next session now I know you are going. Followed by profuse thanks and saying how relived you are they won't be missing out*

This is worth a shot, you have nothing to lose!

Honestly, they sound mean but I'd reply saying how glad you are that her daughter is enjoying it and that your daughter will meet her at the end of the road for the next session now I know you are going. Followed by profuse thanks and saying how relived you are they won't be missing out

Definitely don't do this! That most definitely is CF territory.