Music - how do you deal with them saying they want to quit?

[itsabongthing]

Dd11 does piano and oboe. She has only been doing the oboe a year, has made brilliant progress, teacher say she’s doing really well but she wants to quit because it’s “too hard”. She said it a lot at the beginning then things got better, the lesson was in School time last year and was shared.
This year she’s having 30m private lesson at home but only possible time was 6pm on a Friday. Not ideal as she’s just started secondary and is exhausted.
We’re havjng major battles and Meltdowns over practice. When she does it she is great!
I’ve said to her I don’t want to force her to carry on if she really doesn’t want to (I realise there’s no point), but I don’t want her to make a rash decision and regret it later. I’ve said we”lol review at Xmas (hoping she’ll be over the hump by then and getting some pleasure from it). Do you think this is the right approach?
Fwiw DH and I are both play instruments to a high level - I totally remember wanting to quit then was so glad my parents persuaded me to keep going.
But I’m not a woodwind player and she just says the oboe is “too hard”

Btw I’m trying to get her to do 4 x practice a week at least, minimum 10 minutes each time

...and last week her reed cracked, she’d been using it quite s while and the new one was making funny squawks at first so that didn’t help matters

Let her quit.

I was forced to carry on with private flute lessons until 14. I hated every second & regularly asked to stop. I was never allowed. My lessons were on a Wednesday. I’d start dreading it approaching on Tuesday.....

I was quite good at it. Just hated having lessons.

Does she still enjoy piano? Why not take a break as she’s got so much going on. Who chose oboe?

Similar to PP- I was forced into the viola for years when I detested it.

The oboe isn't maths or reading - they'll get on fine in life without it.

Don't make them waste their childhood doing something they hate, and which they might come to resent you for forcing

Is she playing in any groups? Do you have a music centre nearby, or school orchestra etc? I played a woodwind instrument, as a child, and it is the ensemble stuff that makes it so much fun.

Ive just let mine quit as I didnt think forcing it would work. I will make it clear the opportunity to restart or try a different instrument was there next school year though.

I would say let her stop. As an adult I'd quite like to know how to play an instrument better, but I was so happy when my teacher let me stop learning the viola. I could learn any time if I wanted to, as an adult, if it meant that much to me.

DS did a few years learning the cello, we kept reducing the amount he was supposed to do but after a couple of years he'd just had enough. 5 years later he asked to learn the piano and loves it, I almost never even have to mention practice, he does it himself.

I do believe all children should have the chance to learn an instrument but IMO there isn't much point in making them learn beyond a certain point. Meltdowns are that point to me.

I think sometimes its hard when our children get to an age where they dont always love and value all the same things we do, and there's an element of letting go.

Why on earth should she carry on doing something that’s meant to be for pleasure if she doesn’t enjoy it? Entirely pointless. Sorry. I used to play the piano but I lived and breathed it.

Is it just the Oboe she wants to quit? Also why did she chose the Oboe originally, with mine we spent a long time listening to various orchestral instruments before they chose.

2 instruments are a big commitment, mine did piano and a string instrument each and they'd practice before school both instruments. Before school is good as it means its done and they're not trying to do it when they are too tired later.

If she really doesn't like the oboe its a waste of your money her pursuing it, but if she does enjoy it when she practices, try and persuade her to do 'less' so find a little section of her piece that she has been asked to work on and just perfect a few bars.

I also find (as a piano teacher) that if the student 'thinks' they can't do it they won't so I spend a lot of time making sure they are confident with the bit they want to practice.

Are there any local music hubs near you? We had a fantastic one on a Saturday morning (and ridiculously good value for money too) which started from woodwind/string starters through junior and then senior orchestra. Then feeding the county music groups with a few going on to NCO. If so, you could do that so she is still 'playing' outside of lessons but take the pressure off a bit so hopefully you get over this blip.

The only other thing that springs to mind from your OP is has she just changed school to secondary. Thats a massive thing as well and may just need you to ease off for half a term while she settles.

She went through similar when she started piano but now is very keen.
She chose the oboe, she asked me if she could have lessons, I didn’t push a second instrument. She already started the cello in year 4 then gave up after a term as she didn’t get on with the teacher.
I think an ensemble would be good and get her playing without practicing, but don’t think she’s quite good enough for the school one yet.
Has no one experienced their child having a blip and then starting to enjoy it? That’s what I’m hoping for here but if it’s not going to happen that’s fine too. I’d quite like to save £15 per week! Just not sure letting her stop with one weeks notice would be right would it?

I had a lad all set to quit at grade 2, found his mojo again and eventually stopped when g5 coincided with GCSEs. I took on a girl who was giving it one last chance having scored 101 at grade 1 with a previous teacher she stopped eventually mid g8 for A levels.

Does she like the teacher?

Only two lessons so far with new teacher, who yes i think she does like .

Maybe I should see how it is at half term which is only 4 weeks or so, maybe Christmas is too long. If it’s a bit better and no meltdowns but still the odd moan then maybe I’ll see how it is at Christmas

Oboe is hard to begin with once you get the embouchure right, especially with new and hard reeds.

I agree with an ensemble to make it more fun and have something to aim for.

Did she say why she chose the oboe? Is she playing any famous oboe solos? - eg I loved playing the scène from swan lake, it was a motivator.

I agree 6pm on a Friday is a tricky time. She just be tired by then.

Y7s have so much on their plate. Mine never did any homework on a Fri as she was just too tired, so I imagine an oboe lesson would be impossible for her. I am tempted to say indulge her a bit. Give her a couple of weeks off - maybe go to fortnightly lessons for a month or so, to take the load off her a bit. Or offer her a lift home on Fridays if she normally walks, or give her some money to buy a chocolate bar on the way home.

You could also reduce practice to just 5 mins, just temporarily. We find she'll often end up doing more than that, but 5 mins is a less pressuring goal so it doesn't feel so overwhelming. And if she just keeps her hand in rather than making much progress this term, see that as a win, not a failure, alongside everything else she is managing.

I think what you've said to her is fine, but my instinct is that giving more concessions right now, when she has so much on her plate, is reasonable and more supportive to her carrying on long term. I may be a bit soft - we have an autistic child who responds very well to having the pressure taken off a bit.

I'm a flute teacher so have had lots of experience of this scenario.
Whilst I agree that learning an instrument should always be a choice, I would question the fact that it appears your daughter wants to give up because she's finding it hard.

Learning anything new, whether it's an instrument, sport, language etc will always be difficult at times. If she's made good progress until this point, perhaps she expected it to continue in the same way? That's not a reasonable expectation, so perhaps it's worth having a chat with her and explaining that she'll find lots of things in life tricky at times. Perserverance is a good trait to learn. I think your idea of giving her a cut off date of Christmas is a good one - by then, it should be clear whether this is a blip she can get over, or whether she really does not want to carry on.

If she really isn't enjoying learning the oboe, and it isn't just because she's finding it hard at the moment, of course you should let her give up.

My DD plays oboe and yes it is hard but also lots of fun. I would have thought after a year she would be good enough for a school group, many will play flexible ensemble type pieces, with parts graded at different levels. With regards to reeds, we try to have three on the go ( not cheap I know) but it avoids going from the reed you love to a new one you hate. We have three at different stages so the new one is rotated with older more comfortable ones. Her teacher can scrape a new one to make it easier too.
Asking for a shorter practice will help initially to maintain the frequency but in reality, longer practice times will ensure she gets better and gets more fun out of it. My DD would barely get her scales done in that time. My younger one is a bit more reluctant to start so I say five minutes only required but she will always do more when she starts. I think letting them realise progress isn't linear helps, that sometimes they will feel like they are going backwards helps to normalise the frustration, especially if she initially made good progress, as is likely on a second instrument. Also, get some fun music she wants to play, it's easy with oboe as you don't need to transpose.does she like playing with a CD? Hope things work out.

My DD, now 14 had a similar spell aged 10, after having had to unexpectedly move school. This was nothing to do with her music lessons but I think it knocked her confidence. At the time she was learning flute and piano, she said she wanted to stop flute although she had previously been really enjoying it. She became really stressed about practise and would throw her flute on the floor if she made a mistake ..., not great! We reduced her lessons to every 2 weeks, stopped taking exams and tolerated very little practice ( a few minutes only!) I also spoke to the teacher who was understanding. When she went to secondary she agreed to join the junior band and hasn’t looked back, now has grade 8 and thinking about music A level. She is really glad she didn’t stop.... So it may be worth just easing off and waiting and seeing what happens once she settles in

Personally I'd relax over the practice for the moment. I know that 4 x 10 mins isn't much, but it means you're having this fight with her most days. My DD has also just started year 7 and is exhausted. Don't cancel the lessons yet, give it a few more weeks and see what happens (as you are doing), but ease up on the practice.

Let her quit, music isn't for everyone and you will end up saving yourselves from squandering money on something she doesn't enjoy.
We are a musical family, only one of our children is going on to be a musician, the others gave up before GCSE's.
How good is her Piano practice, and what sort of level. Maybe, it's better concentrating on this if she is very tired after school.

I expect the change from groups lessons to solo has a lot to do with it. Much more pressure on you in a solo lesson as the focus is all on you...

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your thoughts

So far this week it’s not going too badly so I think we will see how it goes.
I’ll also investigate the school orchestra/wind band and encourage her to try that if there’s one that would suit her.
It’s so full on in year 7, I’m sure she’s got more homework than I ever had. And she loves dance too so does that twice a week.

And thankyou @horseymum that’s a good idea to have more than one reed on the go. Being a string player it’s a bit alien to me!

Me too! It's a learning curve with the reeds. Luckily her teacher is very helpful.