Music - how do you deal with them saying they want to quit?

[itsabongthing]

Dd11 does piano and oboe. She has only been doing the oboe a year, has made brilliant progress, teacher say she’s doing really well but she wants to quit because it’s “too hard”. She said it a lot at the beginning then things got better, the lesson was in School time last year and was shared.
This year she’s having 30m private lesson at home but only possible time was 6pm on a Friday. Not ideal as she’s just started secondary and is exhausted.
We’re havjng major battles and Meltdowns over practice. When she does it she is great!
I’ve said to her I don’t want to force her to carry on if she really doesn’t want to (I realise there’s no point), but I don’t want her to make a rash decision and regret it later. I’ve said we”lol review at Xmas (hoping she’ll be over the hump by then and getting some pleasure from it). Do you think this is the right approach?
Fwiw DH and I are both play instruments to a high level - I totally remember wanting to quit then was so glad my parents persuaded me to keep going.
But I’m not a woodwind player and she just says the oboe is “too hard”

I remember my sister learning the oboe and the endless reed crises. At some point if she carries on she can learn to make her own, but you definitely need to have several on the go and a steady supply of them.

Friday evening is the very worst time for a lesson - is there no way of changing it to a less grim slot? It's no wonder she wants to quit - all any kid wants to do on a Friday after school is collapse in a heap and do as little as possible.

If she has just started Year 7 then she'll be exhausted - my DD dropped out of some extra-curricular activity exams last year because she felt too pressured having started Yr7. She'd have combusted if there was a lesson at 6.00pm on a Friday, that's madness! Is there really no other time that can be arranged?

Take a break and review, or switch instruments

Or just stop the lessons and let her self learn for now. Lessons can be utter death to musical enjoyment.

Let her quit, she can take it up again if she wishes to.

I was forced to learn the flute. I hated it, forced to go and practice the bloody thing, in my experience once you get the hatred, it's not going to become enjoyable. The best is tolerable.

I'm not sorry to say I blatantly bribed my dd to practice during a difficult piano phase 20p a practice ie a penny a minute in a jar on top of the piano (she was about 10) and she came back round to it again but we made sure her practice time is 50/50 pleasure/prep for exam or whatever

Part of the reason for me insisting was obviously the investment in the piano! At the time I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing.

But I feel that part of the benefit of learning an instrument is developing resilience when a piece is hard/you don't feel like it. I am the same with other clubs so I've asked her to stick with stuff until the end of the year/term/the next grade before deciding.

Having said all that I'd be a lot more relaxed if she considered dropping the second instrument (clarinet) she just picked up because I think it's fair enough to have a trial period of something and decide it's not right for you.

My DD (now year 9) has done cello for 5 years. 3 years ago we pushed her to do exams and she hated it and wanted to drop the instrument. We convinced her to do another 6 months where she worked with the teacher to just learn songs she wanted at the pace she wanted. We wanted her to have enough proficiency to pick it up again if she wanted to. We figured it was not an instrument to teach yourself easily.

She also wanted to learn keyboard. So that was the deal. She ended up realising she liked cello so said she would keep it up for another 6 month stint while learning keyboard. She realized after 12 months she didn’t like keyboard that much and felt she could easily pick it up again later so dropped keyboard after just a year.

But, she is going great guns with cello (30 min private lesson a week) she only practices twice a week (but probably 20-30 mins each) She does no exams but the teacher is keeping her roughly on track as if she was and is happy with her progress. She chooses 90% of the music she learns.

That’s how we convinced her to continue cello if it is any use. We took any pressure away and turned it into a complete student led learning.

Good luck. We found wind hard (she dropped sax after 18 months because she still couldn’t get the seal right and we just kept going through reeds. She hated it)

My DD1 quit cello after grade 4 and half way into grade 5. Her decision. She was 13 nearly 14. I loved her playing it as I had never learnt to play an instrument and she was pretty good.

Oh and we have a Friday after school slot but it's actually not too bad because it means no homework that night and we often call for an ice lolly at the shop on the way there/back

@mizu

We figured that by grade 4 with cello they might pick it up again as an adult and still have muscle memory. Could be wrong .....

winesalot yes! Only the other day she was talking about playing again. Think she's got too much other stuff on but nice to think she might.

I feel for you - as you play instruments, you know it's hard but that it brings so much joy. It must therefore be hard to see your able daughter wanting to give up. I'd probably do everything within my power to persuade her to carry on. Including bribery! I think it's a shame when kids give up an orchestral or band instrument before they've had chance to experience the fun of playing in a group.

I've recently taken to bribing my 13year old violinist with smarties for every scale played without moaning. He's quite advanced but still complains ... I think he would regret it and miss it if he gave up though.

Does she enjoy the music she is given to play on the oboe? I struggled with the piano when I had to learn music I really didn't enjoy (I still can't listen to Mendelssohn Songs Without Words without wanting to scream). Looking back, it would have been nice if I could just have asked for another piece to learn.

the breaking in of new oboe reeds is absolutely soul destroying. we always mean to work on a couple at once, but end up forgetting.

I am sure you can find an ensemble suitable for a beginner. My 8yo has only been learning a year, and is in a very junior wind band through the borough music service. The tuck shop social side of playing pushes both my kids over any humps. If you are within striking distance of the RNCM, they have regular oboe meet ups - all standards welcome.

So we had a huge existential crisis last year when DD was in her first term of Y7. At around now actually. She was massively overwhelmed and completely exhausted. I wouldn't make any decisions about giving stuff up at the moment - perhaps relax on the practice on days you can tell she's just not up to it. If the perceived pressure eases (and at 4x10min per week I totally appreciate that's not exactly loads of pressure!) she may feel happier about it.

We actually ended up taking a break for a term with some things, Just to make it through to Christmas in one piece! DD even paused her most favourite part of the week - her beloved theatre school. She got her mojo back though and is fine now. Maybe if she's still struggling come half term, agree to pause lessons until the new year?

@TheTurn0fTheScrew - ha, yes the tuck shop! That was my kids' incentive in the early days. Now its members of the opposite sex and the annual tour ...! It's absolutely not just about the music.

I rarely practiced until I was 15 but still managed to get to diploma level... But I was playing in groups from the age of 7 so ended up "practising" every day. DC did lots of practice in primary school but started fighting back once they got to secondary school although they also played in groups.

We all had great teachers though who were laid back and more interested in encouraging playing music whether that meant having fun playing easy stuff or doing aural tests because we enjoyed that or learning orchestral parts we were playing in the lesson. It should be a pleasure not hard work.

DS actually took up guitar as a second instrument "for fun" but the teacher was so strict he gave up after a term. Three years later, he picked it up and taught himself to grade 8 level in 3 months because he loved the music.

Oboe is tough at the start. Maybe she might like to try another wind instrument that she can transfer the skills she already has to if it doesn't suit her physically? Playing in groups is also great. There aren't many opportunities for a pianist in groups but maybe she could find a place in a jazz band or chamber group. Or keyboards in a band?

Now its members of the opposite sex and the annual tour ...!

Oh yes... That too...

I would let her quit. Ds10 has started and done 18 month of both guitar and baritone. He is naturally able to pick up music, almost pitch perfect hearing and he just doesn't like the rigid Ness and demands placed on him in lessons

*rigidness

I think the oboe IS a tough instrument. It requires more physical effort for an 11 year old than other instruments and the reward isn't quite as quick and it is a faff with the reeds etc.

I would consider a change of teacher though. I've got a 15 year old pupil (different instrument) who was ready to give up age 12 but mum persuaded her to try one more teacher and we clicked and she's doing really well, enjoys her lessons and is practising well without harassment to do so.

It's not that I'm the world's best teacher it's just that we're a good fit and she enjoys the lessons.

As a child I was learning piano and adored my teacher but she left when I was 11. I tried three teachers over the next four years and then gave up for a couple of years as I just wasn't enjoying it. Then at 17 I picked it up again and did the higher grades with yet another teacher before finishing school. Whether I liked a teacher made a difference and whether they were good at choosing music I would engage with.

You have child prodigy sydrome, poor you, drives you mental, "freedom" or "oboe" . Remember being 14, if my mum had made me do obe at 14, i,d have run away from home. A child is best experiencing things and then, developing them later, get as many string to there bows as possible, create new neural networks in the brain. My son beat every runner in the county by 12 seconds, last year we didnt go to a National Championship, because he didnt even train for it. If someone says your good at something, it means you,ve reach the goal. Then you have to just keep doing it, people who are intelligent, get bored, teenagers get even more bored. I literally let him throw away his running career, or did I? Did i enable him to learn how to pan for gold as well as run very well. What if your child is the best gold paner in the world and you made him/her play the obe !!! lol.... very difficult one, just play it your way and remember , you can take a horse to water, but you cant make it drink !! It could be worse.....i smoked from 11. and had been taken to hospital for drinking half a bottle of scotch and a 3/4 bottle of cherry brandy....... YUCK CHERRY BRANDY....... no wonder i was sick. Worry not... everything will be fine.

My son quit French horn lessons after grade 6 to focus on his a levels in year 13. If he wants to pick it up at some stage, he will. Either way, I'm fine about it.