October Music Thread

[Wafflenose]

Welcome to the thread for October, which is open to ANYONE who wants to discuss music lessons, practice, exams, auditions, instrument hire/ purchase or whatever related issues you'd like to. Newbies are especially welcome, and we have some each month, often with beginners. All of our kids were beginners once.

I have two DDs. Goo is 12 and plays the flute and piano. She can also play recorders and the piccolo, but doesn't. We've just moved her to another piano teacher because the first one retired, so it's nice to hear her practising again. She has been learning for about 2.5 years and hasn't done any exams... nor is she intending to. On the flute we have extended range scales, the Chaminade Concertino and Bizet's Carmen Fantasy at the moment. She plays in 7 school ensembles and does NCO and South West Music School, although she's likely to be leaving both at various points during this academic year.

Rara is 10 and plays the cello and clarinet regularly, and recorder sometimes. She's vaguely working towards Grade 5 on both, but it might end up being 4 on the cello because of various aspects she's behind in... we'll see. I am still teaching her the clarinet and am currently super fed up because however kind, patient and helpful I am, she behaves in such a horrible way. We can't afford lessons. Ho hum. Rara also does NCO and SWMS. Under 11s will be beyond her, but she'll carry on with SWMS for now.

I am a teacher of woodwind!

I'm (still) quietly cross with DH. Yesterday DS had NCO in the morning. By the time when we finished our late lunch at home it was nearly 3 pm. Then DS had a bit of chill out time on the sofa till 4ish. Then he decided to practise before dinner and do the homework after dinner, and as he had to go to school early next day he wanted to have early bedtime. I thought it was a sensible plan. But when DS was having break between practice DH came in and asked DS to go out for some exercise. By the way DS had just recovered from cold and also he had a twisted ankle. So DS said no. DS explained he was rather tired today so would like to do practice and homework without feeling rushing, then dinner, shower, and reading book in bed. DS usually does football in the morning and tennis or swimming late afternoon on Sundays. But because of NCO, he missed footy and DH got really annoyed that DS was also going to skip his afternoon sport and told him he was disappointed by DS being so lazy. DH said DS's ankle would be fine once he started running around (how?), DH ran 18 miles yet wouldn't say he was tired so DS shouldn't be that tired by just playing violin, etc. He even pointed at DS doing nothing on the sofa between 3 to 4pm! Then he banned digital for the rest of the day, saying 'no digital if you don't exercise'. He had no idea what DS was going through emotionally and physically. I understand exercise is important, but sometimes find his way too rigid and too one dimensional. Rant over. Thanks for reading...

Don’t know what to say Patrick’s- but wanted you to know someone had read it.
DH is probably working through his own stuff, emotionally- but he’s a guy so displaying it differently?
I wouldn’t worry too much- but maybe have a word with DH- see what he says?

💐 for patrick sounds like you are all adapting to the new routines and maybe DH is finding it tough too.... hopefully things will gradually settle down over time

Patricks

As Zak says, it sounds like DH is also making adjustments to the new life. Maybe he was looking forward to his special time with DS? Or worries that he is losing contact with him?

Having said that, I can see why you are seething! Feel free to let off steam here if it helps at all

Oh Patrick I can’t offer any advice either - it’s hard for everyone I guess when things change it I’m sure your dh will get used to it . I know whenever I think I’ve got a nice little routine at home something happens to change it !! I look back quite nostalgically on quieter times when we spent weekends as a family !! And we had nice little routines but high school and teenagers tends to get in the way of that - wherever you go to school !!

Aw, thanks all. You are so kind and so understanding.

DH is a lot more understanding now compared with how he was in the past. But he is a sportsman inside out, and although he appreciates art and music (he loves opera, Shakespeare, Canaletto, etc) his priority will never change. He is a super proud daddy when DS did and does well in sports. DH recognises DS's achievement in music mostly by noticing others praising him. He feels proud of DS then, but don't understand how much effort were needed to be where he is.

But you are right, he may also be trying to make adjustments to the new life. I didn't think of it. Though I didn't like him punishing DS for wanting to practise, homework and early bedtime. He punished DS a lot in the past when DS wanted to cut down football for violin and took a long time to make him understand DS wasn't being lazy but just found something more important for him.

And DS did lots of physical activities (trampoline and football) straight after jd, 3pm to 7.30pm yesterday. Surely having a physically quiet Sunday once a while won't be a big deal....

Patrick's



Thanks again Trumpet. NCBB/NYBB operate slightly differently - once you're in, you're in unless invited to re-audtion. I imagine this only happens if you aren't making the most of the opportunity.

patricks it is a major transition and takes some getting used to for everyone. Dd1 has just started secondary school (year 8 here) and even though it's a very gentle environment she's tired. Me and dh have had a good few chats about her need for downtime.

Totally agree, Mending. But unfortunately super active DH cannot see it. He just thinks DS is being lazy. We had a chat and he understood then, but always quickly forgets and gets really annoyed when DS doesn't do exercise to his expectation. I don't like DS getting punished when I know he's actually working hard. I wish DH is a little gentler sometimes (he is very gentle and a fun daddy but just has high expectation in one particular area).

DH wants to send DS to football camp all day everyday during half term, for instance. I explained it's not going to happen and he understood then. But he sent me a link of the camp by email yesterday asking me to persuade DS to sign up (so he forgot about the chat I guess, ordesides to ignore and hope he can push his way if he continues...). DS doesn't need this constant pressure to tick a box for DH, especially now.

Did DH support him going to new school and making such a commitment to music? It sounds like he doesn't really accept or understand somehow?

Surprisingly he was and is very supportive towards DS's choice of school, in some way more than me. He seems to like the school and thinks it's the best fit for DS. But what he doesn't probably understand is the commitment needed and how serious they are in music. He is happily planning a skiing holiday and so on for school holidays, while other families are checking what's up around the time then decide about their holiday...

I sometimes wonder how he would be if we had a girl. Having a boy who happens to be good at sports seems to make DH so obsessive about DS's exercise commitments. He also enjoyed some parental glories when DS was into sports and doing well. Perhaps he can't forget about it!

That sounds tough patrick i think i would be tempted to take the 'broken record' approach and just repeat 'we already talked about this and the outcome was X because of Y' . I would probably also initiate a conversation about what level/amount of sport / exercise your dh expect from your ds and if that is reasonable and how it can be achieved. Otherwise you are probably destined for a lot of discussions about this going forward

Patrick, that sounds like a potentially tricky situation.
I can understand that your DH perhaps feels that DS spends all week doing music (I know he doesn't, in reality, but you know what I mean) so should persue other activities at weekends and holidays, and maybe as you say, DH finds exercising relaxing. But forcing the issue and punishing seems like a recipe for disaster.
Do you think that your DH hasn't fully taken on board the enormity of the decision to send DS to a specialist school? I mean, he can't really carry on behaving as though sport is still on an equal footing with music for DS, even if he'd like it to be. Was he fully supportive of the choice to go down the music school route, or do you think this is his way of expressing his disquiet at the decision?

Love the cartoon folk. Printing out for our music room.

Sorry your DH isn't quite getting it patricks. & music is physical exercise too.

And good luck to littlelad and anyone else with auditions looming!

DH cannot sleep without exercise so no matter how late he comes home he does something everyday. He was telling me DS wouldn't be able to sleep as he didn't do any significant exercise on Sunday. I think his intention is good. He cares about DS. But I think he's just missing a bit of imagination and basically can't really get it people are different (DS slept well that night..).

DH was fine with DS learning musical instruments as long as it wouldn't get in the way of his commitment in sport. It wasn't a problem before as DS was a sport mad like his dad and he always prioritised sports over other things. But when DS was at around 9, he started showing more interest in music but he hardly had enough time for it due to his sports. He really had a tough year of persuading DH to let him cut down his training sessions... DH couldn't believe a boy would choose music over sports (really!) so didn't take his word seriously as all, and he even got really angry with DS asking about it. DH really liked jd however, and he became quite supportive and finally agreed to move DS down to a lower team so the training wouldn't be that intense. He also likes DS's school. But it's sometimes as if he's expecting DS to do well in music without letting him commit fully. DH is very diligent for his own goal so he knows how important to be hard-working. But somehow, I don't know, he doesn't seem to get it. When we talk things through, he does understand and becomes supportive for a while but he quickly goes back to how he was. His friends' DCs are all super sporty, and perhaps he gets influenced by listening to what their boys are doing and achieving. He often says 'X and Y go to this training, Z is doing that race, why aren't you doing any of them?' Then I would remind him what DS is doing but those other boys are not doing - everybody is different!!!!

Well, we can't change people, but can change ourselves. So I'm learning to deal with this side of DH (otherwise he's really lovely...) and am hoping DS learns not to feel any pressure from DH (though it's hard as DS adores dad and of course he wants his recognition/approval).

Anyway, enough of talking about DH! It seems we have a rare case here as I haven't met anyone in my tiny music world who has family issues similar to us. Everyone seems to be on board. I'm so envious.

NCO audition done. Apparently her reed managed to work loose near the end of her second piece, but her accompanist kept playing and DD missed two beats to sort it and came back in at the right place. Hopefully that won’t be looked at as too much of a negative, but instead noted that she can take reed issues in her stride. She still came out smiling. Now for a few days of down time as half term has now started.

Patrick, DH here is sometimes not so supportive of music and would happily encourage the DCs to skip practice. It varies, but I get tired of playing the role of enforcer while he gets to be the fun parent

Patricks - here's one for you and DH. Dinner scene in Whiplash on comparative family/friend excitement at sports achievements vs music. One of the best college jazz drummers in the US gets a bit a fed up and says it's just college division three.......