Committed children (for want of a better description)

[KatyMac]

I thought I'd start a thread for those of us with 'committed children' - this is a made up name for those children who might have a bit of talent (& equally might not) but who work really really hard at their chosen activity to the detriment of most other things. Often sports (gym, football, athletics) dancing (like my DD) or music take on a whole life of their own and 'overtake' the family.

I'm sure there are other parents out there dealing with this and I wondered if we could chat/swop strategies etc?

Anyone up for it?

Yep, I'm another one who has a 'committed child' and I really struggle with it.

My Dd1 (8) does 12 hours of gym a week - that's 3 hours of training four days a week. Dd2 is 5 and has also just been picked for the same route - although at the moment she's only training for an hour twice a week. With both girls their hours will increase.

I really struggle to see the point. Neither girl will ever be a professional gymnast. My eldest is training to take her national grades (one of a handful out of a gym of several hundred girls) but she's a big fish in a small pond - I see that at other clubs there are girls a lot better than her, and there's another layer of competing above my Dd. So I always wonder what the point is....

But they love it. I worry that they're sacrificing their childhood for nothing, but what can I do? So I support and say nothing. I agree with the previous poster who says it is so hard. When they're this committed, it's usually because they've got a degree of talent, but it's do hard making these decisions without other mums making you feel like the ultimate pushy parent.

Sigh.

That's Katymac, this thread is very cathartic

I am just at the start of this road with dd1 and gymnastics. She has just turned 7 and currently does 4 1/2 hours per week plus occasional competitions. She loves it and is very keen to go. It worries me though that next year she is expected to go up to 4 sessions per week which equates to, I think, about 10 hours per week, after school and Saturdays. The evening sessions don't finish til 8.15pm and at the moment she's in bed at 7pm!

I don't feel that we can be committed enough as a family, as too many other things would have to be missed, however on the other hand I don't want to stop her from doing something she loves and seems to have a talent for. Aargh! Any tips gratefully received!

No, Pag. Sorry...don't you just hate the way a forum can't carry expression?

I don't mean 'nuts' as in 'you're nuts'. I mean 'nuts' as in...it makes me realise that some children have such a different life than others.

I mean, before I came to MN I used to think that the difference between 'privileged' and 'underprivileged' children was whether they had food in their tummies and clothes on their back with some love thrown in.

I knew that super rich royal types had their holidays, horses, blah blah blah. But I didn't appreciate how many opportunities some children have on such a regular basis.

I don't criticise you, at all! I'm just in awe that children of such a young age can do so much.

I do feel inadequate.

And I know you have a child with SN, really. I've been here 7 years. I wasn't being critical

Sorry again

I have a very dedicated rower here, training 7 times a week, the impact on the rest of the family is not always ideal,, and I have thought I can't keep going with it. It affects every day of the week most weeks and we have a younger child. It's my daughter, like your Katy she is 14

No Lougle, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be on here this morning. I am waiting for the man to fix my washing machine and have had no sleep for about three night and I am having a shitty time just now.
I know you have even here ages too, I know you Lougle.
Honestly. I was being a massive arse. Just having a really bad couple of weeks. I do apologise.
I shall go and sit in the garden until I am fit to be around people again. Sorry lougle.

crap times all round, then, hey, Pag?

My little farmer is convinced she'll be strong enough tomorrow...every day

Thanks Lougle, very gracious of you.
But you honestly shouldn't feel inadequate. My ds1 didn't want to do anything outside school. Most dc would prefer to just be reasonably active and have hobbies. It is strange when you get an 8 year old who will just swim lengths for 2 hours at a time, especially when I am more a cup of coffee and a cake person. I am a bit non plussed.
And sometimes I will be watching her and some woman next to me will be waving her arms and shrieking at her child and I think 'dear god, do people think I am like that?' the pushy parents are scary, really scary.

Thank you for accepting my apology. I really am sorry.

Ds2 (12) does a lot of music - not a specialist music school but has chamber choir daily at school; plus two other choirs; lessons and daily practice in three instruments; plus related concerts, weekend workshops and residential courses.

He's very disciplined and motivated. I thought he would find it too hard to keep up with it all, but currently he's happy and doing well; so no need to change anything. He finds time to do other things as well: drama, cinema and theatre trips, school show and film making projects! He also has other hobbies too that he indulges from time to time.

I sometimes wonder how he fits it all in, but he is just very efficient with his time and doesn't squander it like the rest of us! Ds1 does no hobbies or activities and just spends his life on the laptop.

We do sometimes ease off to give him a break. So this week he's having a break from organ practice as he has an imminent piano exam, and the next organ lesson isn't for 4weeks. Normally I insist on practice right through hols (unless we're away), but this time he's going to have 2 weeks off piano as he's been working extremely hard on it and I think a complete break will do him good.

My children are all incredibly lazy like me (except perhaps the middle one.) They have shown very little interest or commitment to anything outside of school except arsing around with their mates and eating crisps. The middle one did play football regularly from the age of 6 but that tailed off a bit once he wanted to sleep in on Sundays because he was always partying on Saturdays.

I have aborted so many after school activities, piano lessons, etc due to general inertia or downright mutiny on the part of my children that I do feel rather inadequate when I read these threads! I loathe overly pushy parents but I am envious of anyone whos child is capable of loving something and committing to it voluntarily.

It is complex isn't it

Dd started off with a 30 minute ballet lesson at 3 - which kind of grew

Brownies(then Guides)/swimming/Sunday school were all really my choices

But the dancing grew last autumn when she was asked to go for a scholarship for the CAT (Centre for Advanced Training) and we realised she was good enough for it to be a career. I don't think we could commit this much unless there was a clear goal in sight & working in dance has been such a joy for her dad

I'd rather she gave some of it up; the cost, the travelling, the weekend lost. But she is so 'committed' it is bordering on an obsession I guess

Some costs, but a lot is funded (thank goodness) or we couldn't do it; we car booted this morning I made 9.16 DD made 14.40 which together don't go a very long way towards the train fare to Blackpool for the Nationals

Lougle, dd2 has cp and takes two dance classes a week. . I used to run a parent action group in the uk who provided out of school activities for children with disabilities - so we ran a ballet class, drama class, drumming classes, and also ran workshops using the sound wall etc, as well as family festivals where siblings and parents could come along too. it was all completely pan disability, and we had some v complex children. We fund raised and applied for grants to pay the instructors, and recruited volunteers to provide 1-1 support for the kids.

Dd2 wants to run a doggy day care facility. there is no way on earth that she could manage walking the darned things, but we nod and smile. She also wants to be a famous author, and ski in the Paralympics.

And we are always completely and utterly skint. I can't find a job. And some months I am emptying the freezer wondering what to put together for the next couple of days before pay day... It is daft.

I'm definitely not one of the shriekers. and none of mine are likely to make a career out of their hobbies, but I can see the impact on their confidence and self esteem.

We actually emigrated, and have ended up living in a place with fantastic opportunities for children, youths and adults with disabilities. And now I'm involved in two not for profits running them, because I feel so passionate about giving people these sorts of opportunities. And everything we do is cost cut so that it makes it possible for anyone that wants to take part, to do so. It's a good thing I can't find a job, lol.

I've seen pushy parents at cycle races. Used to find them very hard to deal with when I was being a volunteer timekeeper or similar. I HOPE DH and I are not pushy. He's no smaller than other children at his training session and the coaches know he loves to go fast so have no problem teaming him up with a child of similar ability ( if not age) for exercises.

OK most 6 year olds do not have a poster of gerrint Thomas on their bedroom wall!

I think at school age a child can only be as committed as their family are willing to support. That support may be financial or time or shoulder to cry on or all 3. AS a teenager I was pretty committed to my afterschool activities, guides, scouts, choir, youth theatre, DoE. I was out 5 nights a week and plenty of weekends. Only one of them had a obvious influence on my future work, but indirectly I have taken skills on from all of them that I use regularly.

My parents support was mainly time and lifts.

Madwomanintheattic, that's fantastic.

Pushy vs supportive?

Putting it like that has reminded me of my first attempt at getting a degree, Katy. I decided to do a phys ed (qts) degree, because I thought it was sooo important for kids to find sports they loved, and take part in exercise, and build healthy lifestyles. < all very altruistic> so, I wasn't particularly interested in the 'win at all costs' sports mentality, for me it was about participation, and the importance of exercise for health and confidence and whatnot. Got a few offers and accepted a place.

It was awful. The entire curriculum was essentially based around the pursuit of excellence, and at one point we were even told we could not smile in the gym, as it meant that we weren't focused enough on the work. I left the course.

Some days I'm weirded out that I'm now involved in disability sports and recreation, albeit on a voluntary basis. Full circle

Different kids thrive on different things, don't they? I have no problem with parents being desperately proud of their kid's achievements, and even encouraging them to new heights. Sometimes it's a bit 'in your face' though!!

Ironically, I've even found myself having to develop a 'you go, girl!' persona that I can dredge up to boost kids that are struggling. It's very not British.

Yep 'win all costs' is so unattractive imo

DD is keen, but she 'loses' very well; we talked about it when she first started competing because so many children were in tears about 'losing' and said that if she can't deal with it we wouldn't compete

This last 4 weeks or so we have been doing what I call 'proper' coaching - we have 6 weeks until a big comp & DD got a new partner. But she is working for his comp rather than hers........

I don't think I like 'coaching' this way

Our problem is having one child wanting to compete and train at a high level and one child not involved, and that is really hard on him

But Katy - I know what you mean

I imagine "one that doesn't want to" is tricky tomanage; plus there is the whole spending differential

DD1 does tap, violin and piano. She used to be more busy ie ballet and swimming on top of the others. We moved and haven't managed to slot her swimming back in altho intend to. Ballet, although she did very well in exams and seemed to enjoy, she dropped and I was gutted.

Violin takes up the most time atm - practice almost everyday and a 45 min lesson. It sometimes becomes an issue when I insist that she have her practice before we go out at the weekend. Dh sometimes bangs on about her music being a focal point. My point is that if she is talented and she enjoys her music then we should support her and having a schedule that we reasonably stick to is one way of doing this.

It's funny how he is immensely proud of her when she performs and I sometimes have to ask him if he thinks that it just 'happens'.

It may be the case that when she's older music will really affect how we operate as a family but we'll see. I think the general happiness and wellbeing of the family must be considered as well.

reallytired drums here. DS is 10 and has been playing Rockschool since very young. Before actually buying a drumkit we made sure he wanted to "commit" and he said YES. It is loud, but fun. Mostly plays along rock and jazz minus one tracks, it's cool to listen to and is a perfect outlet for a boy's energy.

Katy you are right, and it's not necessarily one that doesn't want to, it could be one that can't.

A good friend of mine's daughter was identified for GB level training in her sport, but as a family including the child who was 12 decided against taking them up on it, because of the impact upon the whole family. But such a difficult decision. She was the middle of three children, the training was virtually every day and not really local at all. So difficult.

My ds1 (13) has football training 3 times a week for 2 hours each, a match every sunday for his club.
He also plays for the school so training once a week 2 hours and 1 or 2 matches a week.
He is really dedicated, always in the gym and running when there is only pre season training and no matches.

I used to think he would get bored of it, he started at age 6 but no sign of that so far

As for the impact on our family, well it is an expensive ish sport £200 per season, kit, new boots for all different weathers and we spend our Sunday's all over the county as my 8 yr old has just joined the same team.

I have four kids who do different things and rarely get to eat before 8-9 most nights but they all love their various choices and are doing well academically. This again though is due to committment and hard work rather than the G&T the schools like to label them which I think makes their hard work seem fruitless. Sunday is family day though, no work or practice or anything just family time!!