Regaining fitness and motivation after years of weight gain and trauma

[GallyC]

Through my twenties and thirties I was super fit and active, I was careful about nutrition and worked out most days a week. I was an avid yogi, I practiced almost daily and had a BMI of about 22. I was a size ten for most of my adult life and never thought I would end up as I am - 46, obese and unable to walk for any sort of distance.

Towards the end of my thirties I went through a series of traumas, one after the other after the other. Not least of which was a sexual assault at my yoga studio. After each trauma I found it harder to bounce back and I stopped having the metal energy to look after myself. I ate what was easy rather than healthy meals, I starting taking the lift over the stairs (although this was triggered by breaking my leg and not physically being able to climb stairs for a couple of months), I no longer felt safe to go for long walks in the countryside, I started driving to the corner shop and the escapism of a glass of wine every evening became too tempting.

Things have kind of come to a head, my career recently came crashing down and I find myself unemployed for the first time in my life. My husband has suggested I live off of him for a couple of months and focus on getting better, mentally and physically.

But its so incredibly hard! I remember what I used to do and how it used to feel and what I can manage now in comparison makes me so depressed and despondent. I'm such a broken car crash of a figure that I am starting by trying to go on daily walks, on the flat, not too fast and only for about 20 -30 minutes at a time. When I feel up to it a speed up the walking and keep a brisk pace for as long as possible. I'm stretching out afterwards, I still struggle with the associations of yoga, but I use some of the stretches to try and loosen up my legs. I've been doing it for a few weeks and I'm not feeling any benefit. My legs feel weak and achy so walking upstairs is a big hassle. Standing to do the dishes hurts my back.

I remember what exercises to do for what body part, I am trying to eat better again - I don't need exercise or diet hints. But how do I find the motivation to go on when I can do so little? Has anyone ever successfully got their fitness back after an 8 year spiral into obesity?

I've not been exactly where you are but my best advice is to create habits. Start small, really small - James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits, talks about one guy he knew who wanted to get back into the gym. He had to go a certain amount of times a week, but his rule was that he would only stay on the gym floor 5 mins max. It wasn't about fixing everything all at once - it was about creating a habit, a mindset that going to the gym was something he did regularly. And he found that once he'd established that for a few weeks we wanted to stay longer and longer.

Don't tackle everything at once, and don't hold yourself to the standard of past you - you are where you are, and every small step is a win. The great thing is, you know it's possible because you've done it before. That's more than a lot of people have to go on.

Finally, I'm so sorry for all your recent upsets and sexual assault. No one should have to go through that.

Yes you can get fit again, especially if you have the knowledge.
You sound like you have overcome so much and I can hear your strength of character loud and clear.
Focus on one small change a week ans build on it.
If you’ve not read Atomic Habits give it a read, it will help.
I was never fit in my youth, I was obese and terribly unfit until 55, now in my 60’s I’m fitter than most people my age and a healthy weight.
If I can do it you surely can.
good luck

This is the idea behind the walks, if I get in the habit of walking everyday I will be able to build on it in time. My husband brought me a walking machine, I avoid going out as I get too embarrassed to stop and take a breather at the top of hills or if my calves start aching. I find I can walk for longer on the machine because it's flat and I can stop at any time. There's a big psychological barrier there, as well as poor fitness. I just wish I could fast forward through time to a point where I'm feeling the benefit. I've been doing it for a few weeks and nothing feels better yet. Its really hard to keep the motivation going when I'm not getting anything back.

Its really really hard not to compare myself to 8 years ago. I feel so much shame and self reproach for letting myself get so out of shape. I've told my husband he has to be completely OTT with praise every time I finish a walk to make up for my overly critical inner monologue. Bless him, he tries!

Joining this thread. I don't have time to post my personal history today but I'm in a similar place. It would be good to have a thread to share the journey on.

Two things helped me. One was to hire a Personal Trainer (female!) for a set number of sessions and tell her what my goals were. I tried a couple and then stuck with the one I liked best. I adore her and still go back to her if I am trying to work out with an injury.

I lost a stone just from exercising with her. No diet adjustments at all.

the other thing was to get into very short online workouts. Adrienne or kassandra 10-20 minute yoga workouts; Leo Moves bodyweight and agility, Kettlebells with Amy, and there are loads more - Tai Chi, old style aerobics, weight training etc. If you are obese, there are yogis like Jessamyn who is also obese, and some other weight training gurus who are plus size. They help you feel like what matters is doing it, not being a gym bunny shape.

You can even find 5 minute HIIT workouts. They are so easy and quick, no reason not to, but they get you back into your body, aware of its musculature, aware of any stiffness or poor posture. Very quickly

This gives me hope! Thanks :)

You're already winning just by doing what you are. Keep walking and you'll naturally improve and feel able to do more or try new things if that's what you want.

Like many I was fitter before life got tough for various reasons, but I try not to compare me at 46 to me at 36 and 26. Youth is a big advantage! What you do have is knowledge and experience from that time so that's great.

Have you considered or already had some therapy to support you after the sexual assault? You mention the stretches being a bit triggering with the association with yoga, understandably. Someone might be able to signpost where you get support for that if you think it'd help. Not just for the association, but as a support for your mental wellbeing.

I'm sorry you've experienced a tough time. I wish you well on your journey and am sure you will achieve your goals and will reap the benefits of an active lifestyle again.

And you have nothing to be embarrassed about by the way, stop for a breather whenever you want! No one is judging you.

I'm struggling with the stairs, HIIT might kill me! I wish I could afford a gym membership or PT, but I'm unemployed and really, really hating taking my husband's money just for essentials. I couldn't ask for money when I'm not really using our home workout kit as it is. Maybe if things take an up tick or I get a job, though.

I've tried CBT a few times, I can't seem to find the benefit though. I do all the homework but it doesn't seem to resolve any of the feelings just rehashing the same things over and over. I've just started EDMR to see if that helps matters, I'm having to pay for it as NHS waiting lists are years long, so feeling crappy about spending my husband's money on it. He insists its good use of the money and that I keep it up though. I might have been through the mill five times over but at least I have a solid rock to cling to!

That's good. Hopefully the EDMR works well, I've no experience but read good things. I didn't get on with CBT either. You have a lovely supportive DH there, and I'm sure you'd do the same for him. It's how it should be.

You mention a critical inner monologue. Maybe try keeping a diary to track what you are doing, then when you feel negatively about yourself you've got the facts to hand to prove your progress. There are lots of good free app based diary things or a good old notebook!

My overly critical inner monologue is my old enemy! I wasn't a particular family favourite as a child, I learnt a lot of very negative things about myself growing up and really ingrained them. I did get to a point where I could drown them out, and revel in proving them wrong, but I think the series of heinous events dragged me backwards to the tortured teenager who still believed her sister was easier to love (yes, mum used those actual words). I'm having a hard time in finding my adult confidence again, now I am obese and unemployed. Much work to do, but I guess I should feel lucky that I've been gifted the opportunity to recover by my husband. Not everyone gets a sabbatical when they hit that low point, I will do my best to appreciate it.

Be so proud of yourself for taking these steps to improve your health.

I know you're not looking for exercise tips but I've found lots of benefit for body and mind through Youtube videos which focus on calming the nervous system eg Jules Horn.

Treat yourself with compassion and with the consistent habits you are building you will transform how you feel.

Wishing you strength and healing on your journey.

I just popped over to see who you were referring to, and watched his video God whispers, the ego yells. I used to set aside time to breathe all the time, I used several yogic breathing techniques and always got the benefit. Maybe I should listen to this guy and go back to that practice too. Its well known that deep breathing and nose breathing has a positive effect on the nervous system, and my nervous system is thread bare atm! Thanks for the recommendation :)

There's a certain comfort to knowing you're not alone isn't there? I went searching for similar stories to mine online but nothing seems to fit. Outside of Mumsnet it all seems to be body building. Surely us women must all hit major road blocks and traumas that throw us into chaos in our midlife. And many of us must stack on the weight alongside the emotional damage. So why isn't there more advice for us?

It's wonderful that you have such a supportive husband! I understand what you mean about being frustrated about not seeing any obvious gains. I promise you, every single step is helping.

Can you gamify it in some way so it's not all about seeing a clear improvement - it's about just doing the exercise? Very simply, something like a sticker chart on the fridge. Every walk you do, a sticker. Fill up a row, then you get to do something you like (that won't derail your progress, of course!). Do you have a friend who is also looking to get fitter? Buddying up can be really motivating too even if you just keep in touch by text on your progress.

Please don't speak so cruelly about yourself OP, I detect it's with a bit of self deprecating humour but it's counter productive just now. Talk to yourself like you would a friend, how would you feel if you'd said that to a friend, mortified I bet! You wouldn't, of course, because you're a nice person. You're weight and employment status does not define you. Maybe add a list of positive things about you in that diary! 😉

There's a book I listened to called "no bad parts" which was interesting for understanding that nagging inner chat. I did one of the very simple exercises to "speak" to the part of me that held some fairly light childhood issues that contributed to some sadness I couldn't let go of - I think anything too traumatic it'd be unwise to do without proper support from a professional, I would stress that.

In a nutshell it's about addressing directly the "part" of you that's still reacting because they don't know time has moved on, they are stuck there. For example, I had parents who had huge rows, they'd involve us kids, the rows would last for days, lots of aggression and just horrid atmosphere. So I took some time to quietly talk to the part of me stuck there. I visualised little me with a real memory from that time, said hello to her and told her I was now a grown up in my 40s, I no longer lived with my parents, and didn't experience those rows anymore. I acknowledged it was sad and a bit scary back then, but there was no need to be worried anymore. I think it did help me because that particular memory is much less emotionally charged now.

Perhaps you could try that with the stuff your mum said - but when you're having a good day, so you don't get too upset. Go back and tell teen you that you're a grown up now, that what your mum said was very wrong and it's understandable to feel hurt, but it isn't true, that you are lovable. And you can say it with utter confidence because it is true, you are loveable and loved.

I think it's great you're aspiring to be fitter. I'm a couple years younger but haven't done anything "fitness" for 10+ yrs. I've had life and emotions crush me down but nothing to the extent you've been through.
I'm starting slowly. Coach to 5k with Jo Wiley. I don't like the idea of gyms - but I know many people swear by them.
If yoga has bad connotations, is there something else you could try? I loved team rowing when I tried it (though sadly life got in the way of continuing)...
We have to do something we have the propensity to love GallyC.
If it's only for health, it's boring.
I don't like running, but I like being outdoors. I'm hoping to come to like it at some point, cos then I can get fit and give up my bad habits... I even bought running clothes (from charity shop) to convince myself I'm serious.
Find something that inspires you and take it real slow. Until that moment comes when you think "F- it!"
... As you've been fit previously, that moment will come in time
X

Yes, PTs are expensive. But honestly the 5-10 minute You Tube videos are absolutely brilliant. You can just do one a day at first, then 2 or three a day, or up from 5-10 mins to 15-20 then 30 mins then an hour.

I'm with you OP! I was always super fit and well within a decent weight till I had my DC - then a combination of birth injury and a rubbish DP have left me struggling. My twins are now almost 11 and I was really hurt the other day when one of them said that I didn't set a good example in terms of fitness. Well no I don't, but then I'm rushed off my feet just working (almost) full time and trying to keep everything afloat as a household! DP works longer hours than me, but does bugger all around the house and begrudges me any time to myself - he is massively obese but refusing to do anything about it

I had a few months where I wasn't working and that was the only time I actually lost weight, when I had a bit of time to myself! I did Couch to 5K or the 30 Day Shred every day (even though I was terrible at both) and actually made myself nutritious meals. Then I went back to work and it all fell by the wayside

If you're a fan of Slimming World, they do loads of webinars if you join up - I really found them helpful when I was WFH and lonely. Or there are so many podcasts which may be useful to you: The Organised Method (formerly The Organised Mum Method - mostly about cleaning, but also full of life hints and general friendliness!), Postcards from Midlife, ZOE Science and Nutrition - to name just a few that I enjoy.

@MyStickIsBetterThanBacon that's really interesting about talking to your former self, I actually had therapy quite a few years ago to help with a similar issue, and was advised to do something similar. I had a 'normal' childhood until my youngest sibling was born when I was 11, he's severely disabled and from that time on I was left to pretty much fend for myself, my parents didn't have the time/ money/ energy to cope with three kids including him - and as the oldest and a 'good' child, I was the one who fell by the wayside. I know it's where a lot of my comfort eating issues come from too!

@GallyC no advice but I just want to say I can really relate. You're definitely not alone. I'm also 46. Was never super fit but in my 20s and 30s I did at least some exercise most weeks and walked a lot and my diet was ok. I was a size 10-12. My diet is now pretty bad and I have barely done any exercise in past 5 years. For me it's been walking less due to living in different area, having a child, work stress, and then a very traumatic event that have all played a role. Life is basically a lot tougher now than it was 10 years ago. I'm now heavier, tired and just feel very lost at how it came to this. I don't recognise myself. I did join a pilates class last year - something I used to do regularly - and I was rubbish. Felt so frustrated with myself. My aim now is small steps literally - I'm walking more now the weather has improved and am going to try and keep building on that.

@GallyC you are amazing - I hope you can refind your energy & joy in moving. And hats off to your DH - what a generous gift to you - time to focus on making yourself whole and moving - that's who you are, whatever you think at the moment. Our bodies are made for movement.

That is utterly appalling about the way yoga has been taken from you by a bastard. Could you find a different sort of movement that gives you joy?

I do a lot of lifting of weights & HIIT 3-4 times a week at the gym, but the thing that I REALLY love is dance, and so I do a couple of dance classes a week. Dance classes are great - you're being social, all with a shared purpose. (I also find dance so much easier than yoga - years of working my turnout!)

But the main thing is: just doing something, anything. You'll know the yoga mantra - getting to the mat is the important journey. Anything you do there is the added extra.

Also, my PT is an angel - he is there to spur me on, and be on my side. Working with him changed my life in some ways. We joke that he's my therapist in all sorts of ways!

Walking is medicine. Just start with walking, especially in this spring weather.

I'm starting to address the negative self takk in therapy. My therapist doesn't think I'm stable enough to go back to childhood trauma yet, particularly as I'm still locked in a stressful battle with my former employer. But she thinks we can boost me up so I only have the actual stress to deal with, without the devil on my shoulder bellowing insults at me too! I've found out I'm highly resistant to thinking positively about myself, my subconscious really fights it. I think I've trained myself to believe the worst about me so no one can hurt me when they put me down. It's going to be a slog. But I had got through it before so I know it's possible. I just need to relearn everything that I lost through the traumas.

Thanks for sharing your story. I want to give that scared little you a hug and tell her she'll grow up kind and keen to spread positivity x

We're in it together it seems. I think as long as we both get walking most days, even a little bit, in time we'll want to do more, or feel able to do more? I've had a rubbish couple of days where I had another clump of past employment cr*p to deal with. But today I had a walk and then picked up my instruments for the first time in ages. It was good to see the muscle memory in my fingers was in no way diminished. It's given me hope the muscle memory in the rest of my body might kick in soon! I'm trying to focus on tiny wins, it's all been negative negative negative for too long

Kids can be very mean, I'm sorry one of them said that to you. I guess we have to remember they've not quite learned that adults have feelings too, or that there is no troop of fairies who come out at night to fill the fridge, clean the clothes, tidy the house, iron, hoover or cook. We've been in survival mode, head down and getting stuff done. Andus ladies have it waaaay harder than men with weight gain! My husband hardly ever gains and can lose half a stone in a fortnight by reducing his biscuit consumption. I remember when I wanted to lose weight for our wedding I cut down to 1200 calories and had an hour and a half work out 6 days a week on top of having a very active job and walking 3-4 miles 2-3 times a week and it was 9 months until I lost my first pound! We have it so much harder! Particularly when we get past 40. They don't know they're born!

@ParmaVioletTea Thanks for the booster! I'm devastated by losing yoga. I keep trying to go back but I'm so haunted by memories. I thought I'd try doing some at home, sticking to yin and meditation over energetic flows. I'm hoping some good yogic breathing might heal my battered nervous system and start to remove the barriers?