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Original poster

Weight training and passive agressive men

26 replies

cantmovewont · 17/11/2022 13:50

Hi

I've been weight training for over 6 years now. I recently took an extended break after covid and have just recently restarted - same gym I've been training in for the last 3 years.

I am having issues with men (regulars) who have never bothered me before now mansplaining/telling me to finish with the weights I'm using or getting in my space and generally making me feel uncomfortable. I don't know why it has started happening. I used to get so much from my gym workouts and now I'm dreading going. I think I should think about changing gyms, but friends and family are telling me - a normally resilient and strong person - not to let them win. Win what? I go in, put my music on and don't engage with anyone.

I don't understand WHY this is happening and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Any advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
MsMartini · 17/11/2022 14:21

Mmm. I don't think you have to stay somewhere that makes you uncomfortable. Is there another gym that would suit you? If the culture has changed, you could have a word with the manager and ask him/her to look out for poor behaviour like this. Getting in your space and being persistent with unsolicited advice are both unacceptable, IMO.

Are they literally telling you to stop with the weights, or asking you how many sets left/how long you will be (normal and acceptable to help plan workout, if done politely, IMO), perhaps not as politely as they could? Just a thought.

Original poster
cantmovewont · 17/11/2022 14:30

Thank you for your response.

The manager is a woman so if there is more poor behaviour then I think I will ask for her advice on how to deal with it.

The weights incident has happened twice - 2 different men both noting I had been using them for a long time (I do 2/3 free weight exercises as part of 3/4 sets). Yesterday, he just took them away to another room and didn’t seem to be using them.

Whole family is locked into a contract so won’t be easy just up and leaving.

OP posts:
MsMartini · 17/11/2022 14:35

Blimey. He took weights away that you said you were using?

I would definitely speak to the manager - if you have said clearly that you are using that kit, and these men ignore you, then it is the gym's problem to sort.

I've strength trained in three gyms and only once had a problem with a man - they gym took it extremely seriously.

Original poster
cantmovewont · 17/11/2022 15:06

Yes. It’s horrible. This particular guy is one of those that talks to everyone. Everyone knows him - popular.

Another one told my teenage daughter that I had no clue what I was doing (when my back was turned). She was on the last pull-down and her shoulders where hunched over and I told her to keep them in line with her back….. that’s it.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 17/11/2022 15:13

You need to b e assertive and tell them where to go!!

Stellaris22 · 17/11/2022 15:14

Definitely speak to the manager as it's likely to be happening to other people.

My gym had some men that kept bothering people so they were banned, it's made me a lot more comfortable knowing that management act on things like this.

I love my strength training and had a male PT comment on my weights being too much, or not doing the movement correctly (I have a PT so know I'm ok). Mentioned to my PT and he now no longer does this to people.

ivykaty44 · 17/11/2022 15:19

My dd does a lot of filming in the gym to see her form, the camera/phone is only pointing at her. It has helped in the past to see how others are behaving and report with evidence.

Getting in her space and being creepy on film is not a good look

TBH she has also had men filming he, but has a few regular friends and these men have been tackled.

Original poster
cantmovewont · 17/11/2022 16:46

I can guarantee that the motives are not down to sexual attraction. Im fat and middle aged. I feel that it is more down to them not liking me being in 'their' space. I will try recording myself. Hopefully it was just a blip...

OP posts:
Paq · 17/11/2022 17:14

It's down to the culture in the gym. You need to complain to the manager. My gym has printed rules which tells people to not bother others with unsolicited advice.

But there's also a rule of not hogging equipment when it's busy....

gamerchick · 17/11/2022 17:19

This is why I do classes. There's none of that crap then.

Tell the manager this bloke is being a pest and needs pulling in. The only way these men get away with this stuff is because nobody complains.

Original poster
cantmovewont · 18/11/2022 07:58

paq - the gym was dead. Ive deliberately started going at quiet times.

gamerchick - it is different unrelated men at different times.

I hope that it was just a few weeks of nonsense. I'll speak to the manager if it persists. I went yesterday and everything was fine.

Thank you for the advice!

OP posts:
Brefugee · 18/11/2022 08:10

I think i'd approach the manager and explain that the culture has changed and you are being harassed in a way you weren't before. That it is men doing this and it is making you uncomfortable and she surely doesn't want that?

Then if she shruggs it off tell her that you and your family will expect her to let you terminate your contract with immediate effect and no penalties.

LaBellina · 18/11/2022 08:16

I second talking to the manager.
And if you can tell the men who harass you ‘as you can see I’m busy here, please don’t bother me’, keep repeating it louder every time that they don’t get the message. If they have an issue with you hogging equipment or whatever excuse they have to talk to you then they can talk to the management themselves. Men need to learn to stop talking to strange women in the gym as it’s in many case unwanted and oftentimes harassment.

Chattycathydoll · 18/11/2022 08:16

I’m new to weight training and this is putting me off. I’ve had it at more than one gym and still hate it, although I do find the insecure men funny- the ones who see me come over to use the weights and so immediately have to add more to what they’re doing, and do it more dramatically. They’re all fine when I’m just a silly little girl doing my silly little cardio but the second I come over to the weights area they get all huffy!

The thing with the unsolicited comments is I wouldn’t even particularly mind if they were helpful, I am new to it. But they just want me to get out of ‘their’ space and it’s not a great feeling.

Softplayhooray · 18/11/2022 08:20

OP you have to just assert yourself. I do. For example. 'are you finished here? Or shall I jump on in-between sets?' when they do that annoying towel thing on the equipment, or wait by equipment they're hogging so they know you're waiting. You have every right to be there, just ignore the morons. For what it's worth the only really crappy person I've encountered in a weights room, bizarrely, was a woman.

FlowerArranger · 18/11/2022 08:23

I think some men simply cannot accept the idea of women doing weights - it's like we are infringing on 'their' territory.

Personally I hate the gym - partly because of men ogling and needing to give their tuppence worth - so I work out at home. Much prefer my own little home gym these days.

Watching Caroline Girvan on YouTube, lifting my dumbbells and listening to Radio 4... 😎

SameToo · 18/11/2022 08:24

I left and went to a woman’s only gym. I also hated the shouting/roaring and throwing down of weights.

Looneytune253 · 18/11/2022 09:14

To be fair, hogging weights over long sets is pretty annoying??? When they're not being used in between sets I can see why someone might want to take them.

Original poster
cantmovewont · 18/11/2022 09:55

Funnily enough, before my break, I did get unsolicited (but needed) help with some things and it was appreciated….
Interestingly, I was using very light weights - 6kg because someone else had the 8s and the 10s. The fact that they were removed from me but he wasn’t using them bothered me.
I like the idea of asking for the contract to be terminated if they don’t help or at least show concern.
I like the gym it’s a break away from everything. I don’t know if I would enjoy it as much at home .
Most women there do the same as me, air pods in, no eye contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantmovewont · 18/11/2022 09:56

the help was before I was sick,
the 6kg dumbbell incident was this week.

OP posts:
Chattycathydoll · 18/11/2022 10:34

FlowerArranger · 18/11/2022 08:23

I think some men simply cannot accept the idea of women doing weights - it's like we are infringing on 'their' territory.

Personally I hate the gym - partly because of men ogling and needing to give their tuppence worth - so I work out at home. Much prefer my own little home gym these days.

Watching Caroline Girvan on YouTube, lifting my dumbbells and listening to Radio 4... 😎

Which dumbbells do you have?
I’ve been thinking about getting my own for when I can’t get it the gym, but they’re all quite £££

Yarrawonga · 18/11/2022 10:43

You are best buying weights and gym equipment secondhand, otherwise it can be very expensive. I have acquired loads of weight plates and kettlebells etc by just keeping an eye on what’s local on eBay.

However, I prefer to exercise at the my gym. I like the social interaction with other members, and the competition. I don’t get that working out at home

Brefugee · 18/11/2022 10:53

If they have an issue with you hogging equipment or whatever excuse they have to talk to you then they can talk to the management themselves. Men need to learn to stop talking to strange women in the gym as it’s in many case unwanted and oftentimes harassment.

exactly this. As long as we don't open our mouths, it carries on because the management either don't know it's a problem or they feel safe ignoring it.

Dontaskdontget · 18/11/2022 11:10

Yeah this is one of the reasons I stopped weight training. The various men didn’t speak to me but made it very clear I was unwelcome in ‘their’ space - in a virtually empty gym they’d follow me around working on the machine next to me making very loud grunting noises as they work then immediately getting on my equipment as soon as I get up (even though there was another free machine exactly the same). The most annoying was the guy who made a series of loud phone calls on his mobile speaker phone right next to me, in 30 mins he didn’t lift a single weight 🤣

I have fled to the gym’s zba class, where everyone is female and I don’t have to deal with this shit. 🤷‍♀️

Women go to the gym to get fit. A certain kind of man goes to the gym to feel like A Big Man and when they see a woman working nearby they see it as some kind of challenge to their masculinity and try to drive her out.

In your situation I’d ask the gym to hand out leaflets to all customers when they arrive for the next week or two, saying that men who harass women by giving unsolicited advice or comments, will be banned from the gym with no refund.

Gmamaofboys13 · 18/11/2022 12:23

I recently joined my local gym after having my second baby 10 months ago. It's a very small gym, 2 rowers, 2 cross trainers, 2 treadmills, weights ect... Men predominantly take over the weight section,. stand around talking more than lifting, talk loudly, sit on their phones rather than lift...it's bizarre..oh and one man easily in his 60s, stripped down to his boxer shorts and then changed into gym shorts in the room, rather than use the men's toilets. Another annoying thing is the loud huffing, puffing, panting, grunting and very loud dropping of weights. Thump! Why can't you slowly and carefully put it down, is it too heavy for you? Then don't lift it. Men also tend to leave weights out, and not tidy up after themselves. You're mother doesn't work here, clean up after yourself. As I said before, it's a small gym, and one man decided to plank in the middle of the floor, so you didn't have much room to get by, another man in his 70s did a handstand yoga pose upside down, leaning against the wall.